//horrible year 4//

why does every sem becomes tougher than the previous?
Looks like I CAN'T SLACK ANYMORE.
Having slack for the past weekend, i have to pay back double this week.
Mind you, it's only week 2.
And I kept running late.
and running all over North spine, trying to figure out where's my class.
just like freshmen.
partially because i haven't been in school for nearly 9 months.
as usual, how i wish i live right in boon lay.
travelling is super energy draining. and time wasting.

as year 4, we could choose our major prescribed electives,
needless to say, many people chose according to the best exam dates.
that's to say, they avoid consecutive exam dates.
what about me?
well, i'm more idealistic than practical, so i chose according to my 'interest'
or you could say, by elimination.
Eliminating those i have absolutely no interest in.
So, what is the result?
Very unfortunately, I am bombarded with 4 consecutive days of exams.
yes, FOUR.
some of my coursemates have none.
of course, many say i'm heading for four days of hell, which i totally agree.

on the same note,
even though i have 4-day week, my timetable is packed.
even though i did plan for breaks, in actual fact, for most days i didn't have lunch until late afternoon.
why? i myself am not sure.
there's just too many fyp stuff to settle.
argh.

therein lies the benefit of starting fyp earlier.
however, i do not regret, because my IA experience has made me see things from a different perspective.
And I finally know where I'm heading to.
I have found motivation, what I need now, is discipline.

Like a little bird flying to a destination far away.
Without nutrients and water from the cage, which it has gotten used to.
Can it survive the arduous journey and emerge victorious?

// Hurray to changes in education system //

I think it's very logical for to introduce the so-called 'through-train' programme to N level students.
All along, I've always thought that it is rather unfair for students in N(A) stream to undergo 2 national exams consecutively.
Students in the express stream are said to be stressed out by the O levels and teachers pressured by the need to finish the syllabus, so much so that it suppressed students' curiosity and fascination on a particular subject. Hence, the through-train programme was introduced.
What about N(A) stream students? I really thought they suffered a worse fate.

The through-train programme for N(A) students might sort of remove the stigma that these students are less capable than express students, hence parents might become more willing to send their children to N(A) stream if their PSLE grades are the in-betweens.
However, the pressure of students might not be totally gone, wouldn't the parents want their children to enter this programme in order to secure a place in poly, and finally uni?


As for the IP for express students, I wonder why there is a need for a JC to specify the feeder secondary schools.
Isn't that akin to segregating the student population?
Perhaps some schools, for eg VS IP students going to VJC seems reasonable.
But specifying some other non-affliated, non-related school to a JC seems to me, a signal telling the students, hey our IP students goes there, so if even if you're not, after your O levels, you should be heading to that JC too.
But of course, even without such 'obvious' differentiation in the non-IP era, many students of a secondary school would also flock to the same one or two JC, either due to similar culture or vicinity.

Sigh. The race to the top is never-ending.

// the idiot who do not know how to use a pipette//

yup that's me!

DISCLAIMER: The rantings below do not reflect the IQ of a year 4 engineering undergrad. Please do not read further if it is too moronic for your comfort.

for every back-to-school week, I'm always full of complains and grudges
this sem is no exception.
No, i'm not going to whine how my 4 consecutive days of exams near end dec is going to slaughter me (my grades),
neither am I going to complain about the lack of online lecture recording.
I'm not even going to mention my communication breakdown (albeit one-sided) with the lecturer from germany.


well well well
fyp training has started and i'm totally caught off guard.
all the labs, equipment, chemicals seems super duper foreign to me.
i suppose others who did internship at research institutes wouldn't feel the same as me since they have been doing those 'chemical' type of lab work, if you know what I meant.
I mean, i had not touch a pipette since JC days and those were the ones with the orange rubber thingy that fitted on top of the calibrated glass tube.
Maybe the ones we now use are like, supposedly easier to use?
But then, how can it be easier to use when I don't even know what use the buttons on it are for?
I just don't get it.
All the mentors, trainers just took it for granted that every fyp student knows how to use a pipette.
Or that they thought those who do not know are intuitive enough to know what each button is meant to do.
Well, apparently I'm really not that intuitive enough.
If you give me the Iphone or Ipad to use, I probably could handle it for a day or two without the instruction manual.
I mean I haven't done that but I suppose so right?
since many tech gadgets nowadays are claiming to be user-friendly and intuitve etc.


One good thing about dealing with tech gadgets is that whenever I press something wrong, I can always reboot the whole thing.
Or when I type wrongly, save wrongly I can always delete it.
But for experiments, no way!
One step wrong and woebegone!
Re-doing is the only way out.
And due to lack of time, this really dumb person (guess who? :S) had to take the trainer's sample instead!
yes, I wasted probably tens of thousands of cells today.
I really hope karma would spare my incapability.


Maybe I sound like I'm implying that I should badger the trainer for the pipette instruction manual (if there's one) but be rest assured that I know doing so is like making a mountain out of a molehill.
What I (think I) need is someone to explain the function of each of the buttons on the pipette to me.
Not just telling me to press down once or release or wadeva.
When I get my access pass to the labs in a week or two, that's the first thing on my priority list.

And it didn't help that I have to decontaminate every single piece of tool I use.
I wonder such exaggerated decontamination work is required only for bio-related lab or in general, in every type of lab work.
I just feel very idiotic to be asking such question because I'm already a year 4 undergrad and I have no idea how to conduct a proper experiment.
or use the tools in a proper manner, for that matter.
It's just not second nature to me.

one thing I've learnt about myself,
experiments and research is so not my cup of tea.
try harder, hu/m/n.

// year 4 commencing soon ...//

Oh man, how I dread it!

//creating motivation//

can motivation be created?
probably can be inspired.
but for me, it's rather negative.
i have to prove critics wrong!
i dunno how, but I HAVE TO.

i seriously need some self-discipline.
there i was saying i want to prove critics wrong,
and i was already itching to either watch youtube videos or play viwawa games.
until.... i saw my last blog post,
last 2 sentences 'I must give my 100% in all the things i do. from now on.'
then i felt super guilty.

i have decided.
for this very last assignment before term starts, i am going to devote all my energy to do it.
even if the outcome is not as good as i would like it to be, at least i can say i tried my best.
and i need to remind myself about this resolution every second.
every second that i am conscious.

no more wasting of time. no procrastination. no restriction. no fatigue.
i must do it!!!

// focus, focus, FOCUS //

retail therapy cures all ailments =D

asking a stupid question is better than no question.
is it??
anyway what's done been done, can't put the stupid question back into my mouth.

i must give my 100% in all the things i do.
from now on.

//open your eyes, look at the real world//

外面的世界就是那样残酷。
为了生活，讨口饭吃，人人都是为了自己。
只有自己足够了，才会去想到别人，才能施舍于人。
其实这样才符合罗辑，自己没有或不足的，要怎样与其他人分享？

若没动力，又如何启发别人？
若没信心，又如何使别人相信？
若没热忱，又如何感染别人？
若没爱心，又如何去爱？

//coffee can't keep me awake//

yea, i'm back to the blogosphere to rant again.
i have heard this many times, from different people or from different books and
it has haunt me over and over again.

an issue that never get resolve will keep resurfacing in your
life.

although i can never exactly pinpoint the root of my troubles, they have always dampen my spirits somehow, and instil doubts in my self-belief.
until someone pointed it out plainly and bluntly.
that i had led a life so wrong.
and the cause of my misery is myself.
i myself had unknowingly constructed invisible barriers around me.
until it affected my communication with others.
i can no longer relate effectively to others.

the words i originally wanted to speak, remained in my mind.
the thoughts i had in my mind, i couldn't find the words to express.
the emotions i truly felt, kept locked away in a chest without access.

to communicate with others saps away my energy,
so i constantly feel lethargic.
so much so that coffee can't keep me awake anymore.
to understand others is making my head burst.
my mind is so full of my own thoughts that it can't contain other things.
i can't comprehend other people and they can't understand me.

i can never ever break out of this situation.
because there is no antidote to this.

// searching for a solution //

i finally know what's wrong.
and there are just too many problems for me to rectify.
just listing down all of them would sap away all my energy.
do i even have any energy left to search for a solution?
or is the solution already there, just that I have failed to notice it?
i dunno, it seems like i'm looking for an antidote, but do not even know how it looks like in the first place.
i'll have to swallow a lot of poisons before i can find the antidote.
you tell me, it's there,
it's just there,
but i just cannot see it.
Haiz.

//quirky//

Finally, had some time to do mindless surfing.

Funny
http://campus.udayton.edu/~swe/funstuff.htm

Dilbert's salary theorem
http://www.engineeringhumor.com/Theorems.html

i particularly like this:
why was the free electron so sad?
because it had nothing to be positive about!

got logged out of STARS at the most crucial moment.
can't get a core module.
what is this!

// 365th post //

there's no particular reason for this post.
it's just that, i'm lost again.
Lost in thoughts, i mean.

Each time I whine about going back to school.
About doing projects.
About tutoring.
Or anything else.
I still have to continue to do so.

Suddenly, it seems as though there's no real meaning in life.
Everyone is stuck in this rat race, following the process of studying, graduating, working, marrying, child bearing, bringing up children, educating them, retiring, relaxing and finally, dying.
Years pass by without getting much notice.
People come in and out of your life without permanent stay.
It seems like a natural process.

The world is so huge and yet each individual is so insignificant.
Why are we so bothered by the rat race?
Afterall, everyone has to go through it, whether you emerge victorious or not, does it even matter?
I know I sound self-defeating, but really, does it matter?
So what if you are at the top of the world next?
The next moment, you could fall all the way to the bottom of the ladder.
Hence, I can't understand why people butter up their boss, backstab colleagues, become self-centred, display kiasuism...etc.
Perhaps, a moment of weakness? but something tells me it's more than that.

I don't know about others, but sometimes, at some moments, I get these crazy thoughts like,
what's my cousins doing in msia? my aunty probably out for a karaoke session, my uncle at mahjong and my cousins out on dates.
Also, I'll savour the memories of my past overseas trips.
I wonder if the friendly uncle in hokkaido is still selling the uber delicious curry omelette rice?
Wonder what's the temperature like at Mount Fuji?
Wonder how's the soft-spoken vietnamese tour guide is doing?
I would even go to the extent of imagining the scene of Beijing's Great Wall and Tiananmen, is it still as crowded?
Then, after which, I will feel incredulous that at this very moment, people are experiencing different weather, different living conditions, different incidents at different parts of the world.
Please don't tell me I'm going crazy =P

// with age, comes wisdom //

I know it's still early to add another number to my age.
But celebrating some friends' birthdays still makes me feel old.
Esp if it's a threesome celebration!


Looking at the souvenir of a minature Effiel Tower really makes me feel like touring Europe!
I wonder if there's any possibility at all for me to backpack to Europe!
Afterall, it's always said to be too expensive and dangerous.

But it would be a dream come true to visit ancient castles and a change in scenery from the concrete jungle here.

Anyway, I guess, spending a few months abroad has made some people more streetsmart and wiser.
In fact, not only those who went overseas, i feel, being thrust into the working world has made all of us wiser.



For me, the aftermath of internship is that I've learnt to appreciate people whose words and actions are from the heart.
I have always thought that all humans are superficial to a certain extent.
And have never ever reflected that upon myself.
But now, I realised that I do act superficially at times too.
How?
For example, not really paying attention to what others say and blindly agree.
Only safe guarding self interest such that it might neglect the interests of others.
Insisting that I could do without help on the pretext of not wanting to inconvenience others when I really do need some help.
Not clarifying doubts.
And the list goes on.
I truly think cowardice on my part is the main culprit.
I now feel the need to constantly remind myself to speak and act from the heart.
And always act in the best interests of others. which is known as emphathy.
And I've experienced the benefits of doing so.
Somehow, people will be more receptive of your ideas and of course, a better relationship between people will be formed.
The world would become a better place.

Clarke Quay.

Last week at MBS. Obsessed with the structure!

Evidence of poor photog skills...

// the online battle //

Even though there's still almost 2 months to start of year 4, the impending course registration has just thrown most students into a frenzy.
Heard from sources that it's nearly impossible to get all the modules of your choice.
At least that's what they say of yr 4 mse.
Unless, will the help of ultra fast clicking and lady luck.
I guess having a lightning computer speed would help too.
Especially major prescibed electives, most people will fight for the popular ones. (which I don't know what are those and couldn't care less)
Speaking of which, I still can't make a final decision yet.
Oh whatever, for the past 5 semesters no guy has ever made my heart thump harder than our dearest 'fastest finger first' system.
Or for that matter, sweaty palms and a sudden shoot up in temperature.
I daresay it's the most exciting event that happens in ntu every semester, with the exception of probably the youth olympics (which is exciting only cuz it's a once in a blue moon affair)
In fact I'm always more driven to get the modules that I want, rather than studying them during the semester.
The satisfaction that comes with securing a place in a module of your choice just falls short of getting an A grade.
No kidding.

// the only constant is change //

Less than 2 months to the start of senior year..oh no.
Having exposed to the industry for some months, my view has changed from being afraid to more certain and now, looking forward.
Yet, it's time to go back to school.
I'm not so looking forward to fyp, surely.
My fyp haven even started and I'm already dreading it.
I'm regretting taking this bio-related project, after understanding it further.
Haiz, double haiz, triple haiz.
Have I chose the wrong project?
Even if that is so, it's too late for regrets.
Yes, I'm whining again.

Though i did not have an easy time during my IA, but at least I was still interested the work I was doing, which is totally materials related.
Looking forward to preparing samples.
Learning from the technicians.
Using the equipment.
Putting in the samples.
Waiting for the results.
Small things that kept me happy.
And it was this interest that drove me on.

Now that I am told that the 'materials' related part for my project is shaved off by alot
and the bio component is the mainstay, I'm super duper unhappy about it.
Sigh.
Initially I wanted to try new things but looks like I am still more happy doing something familiar.
Maybe I should have chosen a project related to my IA project.

In addition, throughout 3 years I have never set a foot into the actual MSE labs.
And for fyp we're supposed to be stuck there almost every week.
ARGH

Furthermore, the thought of studying really frightens me.
I don't mind attending lectures, tutorials.
But mugging for CAs, exams, yet again.
Facing kiasu people again.
These thoughts seriously saddens me.

I really really really really really really hope I can get a psychology module.
To motivate me to continue schooling.

// Toy Story 3 //

I have forgotten when had the previous Toy Story sequel been screened.
In fact, I can only vaguely remember the storyline.
But of course, no one forgets Sheriff Woody, Buzz Lightyear, or for that matter, Rex and the potato couple.

Maybe it's only me.
Even though reviews exclaimed the film to be touching or some tear-jerker,
the tale did not tug at my heart's strings.
Probably, I have to admit, I'm very much overaged for it.
Hence it didn't struck a chord with me, unlike the previous two movies.
The toys didn't grow, but like Andy, I did.
I was hoping the film to chronicle the feelings people have when they have outgrown toys but still, looking at the toys would bring back many happy memories.
This was kept till the last part, when I was already frozen in the cool air and yearning to thaw myself.
But of course, focusing on this wouldn't be fair as the main point is the toys' adventures in sunnyside daycare and the incineration plant.
Speaking of the incinerator, surprisingly, even to myself, I did not feel even a tad of anxiousness for the toys when they held hands before they were about to perish in the fire.
All the time, I was thinking that somehow they will be saved.
Rewind 5 years back, I might believed that they are about to perish and might even feel sad.
Alas, I'm indeed too overaged to appreciate this.
However, the wise cracks and humour do make it a winner.

What makes Toy Story so different from many other famed animated films, is that there is no ugly green monster, no superhero moves, just something as simple and everyday as toys talking, moving and feeling like humans do.
First launched way back in 1995, Toy Story made every child's dream come true.
In today's world, where traditional figurines are continuously being replaced by hi-tech toys like computer games, the success of Toy Story 3 is even more valuable.

the answer has been here all along.
shouldn't have cracked my brains to no avail.
wisdom comes from following the buddha's practice.

what kind of engineer do i aspire to be?

I will do my best to pull out of this vicious cycle.
I need to be courageous and assertive.

// emo //

I finally understood the meaning of "bitter medicine: hard to swallow, good for health".
At least I think I do.
Nobody is perfect.
Many people seek to become a better person.

However.
what if...
you innately feel something is very wrong with your life.
Like you can't be free..
Everytime you face anyone, you can no longer freely express what's on your mind.
You can't be true to your feelings...and always wears a mask to fence up yourself.

Depression sets in.
You tried your all to reflect on yourself.
Yet just couldn't pinpoint what's wrong.
And you just knew you didn't suffer from autism, social phobia, chronic depression or any mental illness.
At the very least, you could feel monentary happiness around happy people.
You try very very hard to appreciate all the little and good things in life.
You tried to be happy. to remain happy. to make people around you happy.
An epic failure.
You constantly ask yourself, are you simply expecting too much from yourself?
Are you jealous of other people's lives?
Somehow you know the answer for both questions is no.
And the feeling of depressed and dissatisfaction continue to haunt you.

Before you reach one place, you feel absolutely psyched and spontaneous.
But when you finally reached the place, you absolutely hate it and feel like leaving.
Synonyms of the word 'boring' kept flashing in your head.
Yet, ...yet, you still have to put on a happy mask to show you are enjoying.
And daydream about being in another place.
But when you are not there, you kept thinking of the place and all the things you would have missed out on.
And, this happens not once, twice or thrice.
It occurs (almost) every single time.

Maybe I'm just born to be like that.
Or maybe the two-year damage was really beyond my imagination.
I can't remember my innermost thoughts and feelings before those two years.
Perhaps, I had been happy. satisfied. with life. with family. with friends.
Probably I was too engrossed with academic achievements to even notice.
Only one incident still remained in my mind.
I knew I had once told a vice principal, 'I don't need friends, my aim is just to get good academic results', afterwhich she vehemently rebutted me.
Well, the hardest two years of my life proved me wrong..and my vice principal correct.
Without supportive friends I am nothing but an empty shell.
Without them, I cannot achieve anything at all.
Without them, I have nowhere to seek validation.
I can't even trust myself.
Until someone trust me.
Who is correct at guessing my personality.
Willing to lend a ear to hear my inner conflicts.
Willing to share a wealth of personal experiences with me.
Willing to point out my weaknesses and make efforts to help me to eliminate them.
But there's one thing guessed wrongly.
I know in my life, there's still love. concern. in many different ways. from family. from friends.
But no one totally understand me.
On the surface..
I assumed everybody thought that I am happy.
Since no one asked me why I am unhappy.
Except you.

On another note.
Leading an aimless life is one thing, not going all out to achieve your goals is another.
I believe I belong to the latter.
Perhaps, it's just not so good to ponder, brood over, consider, think too much when taking a step forward.
In the process, you might just lost touch with the initial goal or even give up the idea altogether because many invisicible walls suddenly appear to create obstructions.
At the end, nothing will be achieved.

//freed//

you can't learn how to swim until you let go of the walls.

// officially freed! //

I can't say how glad I am to be officially freed from internship!
Haha.

It was stressful, probably mostly orignating from myself.
All the while I was telling myself not to break anything again, to be EXTRA cautious.
More importantly not to do anything to incur the wrath of anyone, esp my sup, who'll be grading me.
Adding on the stress is the report deadline.
If only they can make this an S/U module, then I wouldn't need to feel so uptight.
Anyway, It's just me.
I think all my other friends are enjoying their intern days, like since day one.

I can't say I enjoyed mine, but at least I did gain alot of insights and learned about the working world.
intangibles which textbooks don't teach, yet are so pertinent to working.
Even if my grade is still unknown to me, at least this internship has been worthwhile.

//a lesson of enlightenment//

learning to let go is probably the hardest thing to master.
whether it is to let go of anger, hatred, grievances or to let go of familiarity and loved ones.
but the only way to move forward is to let go of the past misery, which served no purpose.
how then, to let go?
some people laugh it off, others physically hurt themselves.
but some never did, and bottle it in their hearts for many years.
all it matters is the perception.
to view grievances not as unfairness or misery
but as a way to toughen up and emerge stronger.
because life is wasted on being unhappy and indignant.
a minute of anger means sixty seconds less of happiness.

so why bother?
if you truly believe in yourself, believe you are doing the right thing.
unkind criticism from others means nothing.
seeking validation from within, not from others.
one day, others might realise their mistake
but that is not important to you anymore
cuz you have already surpass the stage of seeking others' approval.
you have a clear conscience and nothing at all to fear.

有许多话哽咽在喉咙，不知从何说起。
但非常感激，我上了宝贵的一课，一些从来没有人教我的道理。
犹如雨过天晴，原本封锁的心，渐渐被释放。
虽然暂时不能把全部放下，但开始真正懂得珍惜生命，体会其中的美妙。
这一课，我铭记在心。

sudden all things come to realisation.
time is ticking.
i have only three days to put them in place.
i can't afford to sleep.
which is crazy.

// friendship //

友谊，有很多种。
有些，一见如故，可以聊到没完没了。
有些，靠时间一点一滴累积，慢慢习惯。
我渐渐发现，每个出现在我生命里的人都有一定有原因。
一起共度患难的朋友，肯定值得珍惜。
对于那些伤心时赐予安慰，沮丧时给予鼓励的朋友，我万分感激。
但就有一些人，或许我和他们，从没有机会深一层的了解彼此，
却因某种情况相识。
我原本以为这些人只是生命中的过客， 日子一久就变成抛在脑后的记忆，迟早被遗忘。
可是，别小看这既毫不起眼又平凡的友情。
事隔几年再见，我却因那熟悉的笑容与言行举止, 心中出现一股莫名其妙的暖意，脑海里浮现一些当年的画面。
不深刻的朋友也不一定在心中毫无地位。

// lackadaiscal //

journals +
report
=
frustration +
panic

// grateful //

i'm grateful for the tolerance shown.
i'm thankful for the confidence in me.
i hope this will strengthen my resolution.
after all, the enemy to overcome is myself.

// one year //

can't believe it's been a year since my free-and-easy trip to Japan.
the good old days are always sweet.
wonder when i can travel again?

5 more weeks to freedom.
4 more weeks to chiong.
argh. not enough time.

//preoccupied//

i will learn from my mistake.
just that i wished i hadn't make one.

things that you prefer are often out-of-reach or ill-fitting.
things that you have do not wish for just comes straight in your way.

time is running out but i will make the best out of it.

//bothered//

all these while i've always thought that life should be free-reined, less uptight
everyone should live the way they want it to.
but that is all too naive and
applies only to children and teenagers.

the responsibilities that adults have to shoulder are perhaps
great beyond my imagination.
yes, we should take responsibilty for our own doing.
but sometimes luck dictates that consequences are far worse than ever.

living in a comfort zone ever since
a sense of caution and beware has never appeared in my mind.

other people's comfort are temporal and
in fact it makes me feel worse off.
and makes me wonder about possibly worse consequences ahead.
after all, in the working world,
the rules and regulations are scary.
there is no room for discussion.

//regrets are useless//

a co$tly blunder.
even if others forgive me, i cannot forgive myself.

i'm nothing but a irksome troublemaker.
an ignorant greenhorn.

living in fear cuz consequences are unknown.
i really wish no one else will be implicated.
whether current staff or future students.

down and out since the beginning of the year.
just when i thought it was getting better,
things just prove me wrong.
tired.
physically and mentally.
i wonder how many more mishappenings i can endure.
before i sink into total abyss.

i need to be extremely cautious of what i do.
need to constantly remind myself to stay vigilance.
cuz other things that can cause immense regrets could very well happen.
for the rest of this year.

a single mistake breaks confidence.
both yours and others.
futile wish that time can rewind itself.

// 3 months //

only when the computer system prompted me to change my log in password did i realise it has been 3 months into this internship.
it's the first time i'm working for so long.
initially when i heard that the intern program was to last for 5 months, i really doubted my endurance.
can i work for so long?

so far, it has been ok.
at least i'm not dragging myself to work yet.
there are many things to learn and discover on my own.
we're pretty free-reined.
but sometimes i'm just mentally tired, unable to make any sense of what i'm reading or of the data collected.
if the brain was to be analogous to computer processors, mine must be only 256MHz, at super slow speed.
anyway, being an intern cuts in both ways, good and bad.
people are more forgiving towards your mistakes.
but being a greenhorn requires extra work and effort.
i can't say that i'm giving my 100%...especially in reading up of materials.
the lazy part of me often takes over, with excuses like needing a break from work or there's too much to be read, i can't possibly read all.
the actual reason is that i really cannot understand some technical journals.
all the equations and graphs are making my head spin.

on the previous entry, actually i was debating with myself whether i should take up a fyp project that is slightly more challenging because of its bio applications (i've long stopped studying bio)
or a project that's totally material-related.
comparing these two, i think i'll fare slightly better for the second project because, after all it's what i'm training in. (but there's still a high % of uncertainty, given my average preformance)
of course, the first project is also materials-related but there'll definitely be new bio stuff to pick up. in fact, reading some bio technical articles already made me cringe as i totally have no inkling of what the article was about.
but it'll still be my preference because i can see the direct application this research is going to lead to.

but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is not enough, it's more important that i will not get lost in the tunnel.

// ambivalence //

once again, certain things made me wonder about my decision in studying engin.
although it's something that's too late to change.
coming to three years, i'm still unable to think like an engineer.

while others intuitively recorded their experience with overwhelming technical details,
never for once did i thought of doing that.

in fact, technical details and facts were simply lacking in mine.
all i did was to launch into a personal journal cum GP style essay, inputing my own opinions and ideas.
now that it was pointed out to me, i realise that it was a blatant mistake, yet one that i had made instinctively.

however, what are technical details and facts?
how should i go about writing that?
all i could think of is to summarise some research papers and textbook details.
but i would be very much reluctant to do that because those aren't my work.
why would profs want to read that when they can read the original paper.

maybe there's some other way which my non-engin brain can't think of.
like i'm supposed to write about how i applied those things learnt from other research papers into the project (practical application) i'm working on.
like how? i don't even understand my previous sentence... cuz it's just modified from one of the stated aims of internship.
someone please enlighten me.

a random note.
what would you do if your interest and ability are at odds?
would you choose to pursue your passion and give up doing something you are good at?

i need some creativity.
some inspiration.
and some quick thinking.

// rules //

I believe since young, many of us have been taught many rules.

At home, there are dos and don'ts imposed by our parents.

In school, there are a whole list of guidelines and school rules to follow.

All these were meant to instill the correct social behaviour and moral values in children, so they would grow up to be socially-accepted, well-rounded individuals.



However, as adults, with freedom of choice overpowering common sense, some people just choose to deviate from the role-model type of behaviour which we were taught to observe since young.

From people who smoke and drink to criminals who commit theft and murder, do these people have an innate rebellious streak, or were their actions directed by circumstances?



Anyway, some redundant rules are meant to be broken, just like how some red tape should be abolished.



------------------------------------------------------------------


A movie I want to watch...hopefully soon =)
The Lovely Bones.

I have read the book aeons ago and I doubt I remember the story.

// a different perspective //

a book i read today gave me some enlightenment.
actually i only read one chapter, which i thought interesting.
this made me realise how important the naming of the chapter is.
having an apt and short name allows the reader to find the info he/she needs easily without ploughing through the whole book.

it's important to realise that you and your parents lead different lives.
seeking validation from them only goes to show how insecure you are.
their intrusion in your life only make them seem insecure, unwilling to let go.
people fall and make mistakes, you are not alone.
being too sensitive to their words will only make yourself upset.

all the things that happened since the beginning of this year have almost drove me to a breaking point.
there's the day my aunt suddenly passed away.
there were unbearable days at home.
there were days i was disappointed with myself at work.
there's the day i couldn't get the required stamp and signature.
there's the jittery day i spent at the immigration centre and only to be told of being blacklisted.
but times of crisis also present opportunities to make a turning point.

optimism is not the same as having positive illusions;
it is the ability to turn things around.

i was too concerned about seeking validation.
i was too uptight about the 10 aus at stake.
i was too anxious to get things done.

maybe only when you release your attachment to the things and events happening around you, will you feel better and days become brighter


also thanks to my friends who gave me a different perspective and some confidence.
sometimes, people need to be reminded of why they are needed.

// time for self-evaluation //



i remembered the last time i counted the number of weaknesses i have.

ten fingers were not enough.

in fact, i recalled counting until 60 plus.

some minor, some major.



unfortunately, the major weaknesses of mine re-surfaced again recently.

many people aim to become a better person, myself included.

but i really wonder whether it is out of my own control.

how do i eliminate my weaknesses or turn them into positive points?

or is it impossible, due to my own personality, beliefs and upbringing.



the horoscope says that Scorpios are natural speakers with a charisma that warrants others to listen to them.

in my case, it's totally off.

frankly, i don't aspire to be such a good speaker.

i just want to communicate with people as per normal people do.

such that others can understand what i mean and not read much into it.

however, this simple thing others can do easily does not comes naturally to me.

i can't convey my thoughts and meanings effectively. especially in the workplace.

maybe i'm just too cowed.



another thing is the lack of my own view.

i can't recall any incident of me disagreeing with my mum until last year.

being in a traditional family means that parents expect, or taught their children absolute obedience.

while my sister is not one who can be pushed around easily, i'm the one who always stick to my mum's decisions.

hence, this might be due my personality trait.

i have always thought that obeying parents is a good thing.

but now i realise it's one of the leading cause of my lack of own opinions.

or rather the lack of courage to speak up.

for every mistake i make, in her eyes, any form of explanation i provide is only an excuse.. a rebuttal lack of respect for elders.
therefore there is no point making myself clear.
there is no point grumbling because according to her, i'm always in the wrong.
there is no solace to be sought at home.

// the realisation //

there's something I've got to learn.
a habit to get rid of.
but isn't going to be easy.

recently people around me are either telling me straight to the face or hinting that i don't have a mind of my own.
yup, it's true.
for the past 21 years, I've always relied on people to make decisions for me.
my mum, for all the things I do at home.
my friends, for deciding on the things I do outside of home.
my colleagues, for deciding what I do at work.

I've been reading the horoscope lately, just for fun.
It says that the worst trait of mine is 'being too adaptable to others'.
Since when is being peace-loving a crime?
Most of the time I hope to reduce conflicts and arguments with the people I interact with, therefore I am agreeable with them.
Which means I don't insist my own stand.
From some perspective, it seems as though I don't have my own principles.
Actually I very much preferred to be called open-minded because I don't believe in one fixed answer or solution.
Everything contains some truth in it. Even the greatest lie or rumour.

But of course I don't insist that my 'agreeable-ness' is completely correct.
There are some occasions when it is neccessary to stand by one's view.
For someone who's so used to agreeing with others, it's no mean feat.

Still, I enjoy the freedom to explore my areas of interest.
But when there's too much of uncertainties, my insecure self manifest as a monster, as though I will get stressed out at any moment.
Building a report solely based on appendices is a challenge, but one which I would gladly take up.

there is no sure-win battle.
even if you are sure you're on a winning streak.
there's no certainty.
slack is a trait you can't get rid of.

// the truth //

sometimes a white lie has to be told
to save one from misery
and to have a happy ending.
however i just hate to lie.

// randomised //

Some things are easy to learn, for example, operating an equipment.
With more practice, you'll gain better understanding of how it works and there'll be improvement.

Some other things, like how to deal with people, are more complex.
In this aspect, well, i'm definitely a noob, haha.
Some people tend to think a lot, like how they should behave in front of others,
such that they display different behaviour to different people.
Some people are too sensitive; they analyse every single word others say.
Some people are very insensitive; they speak right from their mind without any censorship.

Most people, like me are in-between the two extremes.
While I do not exert myself in thinking too hard about how to behave in front of others, there are a few 'invisible' guiding principles that I follow.
Greeting people with a smile, treating superiors with respect, avoid acting like a know-it-all to colleagues, to name a few.
That being said, I'm far from a genius in handling human relationships.
I think people find me simple-minded in this aspect, haha.
The human mind is just too hard to fathom.

// when the weather says it all //

when i was taking the lrt back home just now at sk, the sun's rays were so bright, it was shining right into my eyes.
i managed to get a seat, hence decided to rest my eyes for a while.
however, when the lrt got to my station, i was rather apalled by the dark clouds looming over the area.
when i got home, i was greeted by the sight of my sobbing mum, announcing the bad news.
Gone.
My second aunt didn't even got past the chinese new year.
Within a month of receiving the bad news about her ill health, she's gone.
Just last year, her whole family came from Malaysia to visit us.
In the earlier years, she and my uncle slogged for many years to raise their children up.
My cousins did not let their parents down, studying hard and excel in their careers.
In recent years, my 2nd aunt and uncle were the envy of everyone.
Their first taste of their fruits of labour was when their eldest son graduated from uni, landed a good job and got married.
My cousin drove his family here to visit us last year.
At that time, we were commenting on how blissful my uncle and aunt looked, when they played with their first grandson.
Happines don't last forever.
How true.

// in the midst of tuning //

maybe it's nostalgia.
maybe i just don't want to grow up.
in any case, i always feel some sort of sadness whenever i find myself (or anyone else) losing a sense of innocence(and perhaps becoming more matured).
yes haha i'm THAT weird.
why are children adorable?
it's simply their innocence.
the ability to view the world without tinted glasses.
i think i've lost this ability, unknowingly.
i believe, once i officially step into the working world, i will also lose the ability to feel gratitude towards simple things...perhaps even more.
as we grow older, and maybe wiser, it seems that we are losing intangibles and gaining tangibles.
just because everyone is gunning for that position, for that car, the house...all those material fortune, people are forced into joining the rat race.
once they have amassed a wealth of fortune, they grow old, and it's time to spend those fortune...be it for enjoyment, leisure, or even sickness.
however, those fortune can never buy back the intangibles, the 'abilities' of childhood, the emotions once forgone.
it seems like an unfair deal.
and even more so, a vicious cycle no one can escape.

children are amazed by almost everything.
teenagers are amazed by most things.
adults never find anything amazing.

// reality week //

the truth hits from nowhere.
hurts like hell.

// to work //

somehow it just feels very weird not to report to school on the first day of the semester.
so far, it feels as though i have extended holidays hehe.
So far, the 'honeymoon week' is just over.

this week is orientation week and formal training will commence next week.
i can't imagine what it'll be like, hearing from people that OT is rather common.
oh wells.
for now, there's only one word to describe - psyched.
contrary to what i had thought, engineering is actually quite exciting.
or should i say R&D.
ok maybe i'm just awed by all these new experiences.
seeing all those machines literally walking out of my textbooks is really a fascinating experience.
mentally, it motivates me by the fact that all those stuff i've been mugging for exams have practical usage.
Nothing beats the experience of wearing a jumpsuit and walking into the 'clean room'.
Experience, they say, is the best teacher.

Oh and engineers are all so smart and cool.
Anyone with the perception that engineers are geeks with poor language skills are fairly mistaken.
Those whom I met were well-groomed, and could communicate effectively with colleagues and superiors.
Not to mention their high efficiency.
All these actually make me have doubts about myself, whether i am cut out to be an engineer in future.
I still have a long, long way to go before I can reach their level (that is if I can reach there, haha)
There's another thing.
In school, mse for example, the gender ratio is generally equal.
However, at work, it is obvious that majority of the engineers are males and female employees are usually in HR or supporting services.
I wonder why.

// it's 2010 //

people always say the older u get, the more u get to know the 'sour, sweet, bitter, spice' of life.
it can't get any truer than this.
oh well, 2010 sort of started with a bitter taste.

just sent off my uni friend to korea for her industrial attachment.
even though it's only six months, but still, our whole gang will miss her.
esp since her accommodation is still unsettled, it's rather worrying.
seems like ntu is not as efficient as thought!
behind all those pursuasive, exciting vibes about going overseas attachment is actually many unknowns and uncertainties.
just hope that she'll have a safe and eye-opening experience and back soon!

next week is start of my IA too, and i found out i'm the only ntu mse intern.
oh yea, get used to loneliness.
i remember the time i used to do temp jobs, and i find myself super awkward around older, more qualified people.
i hope it will get better.

then there's a bad news from my relatives in m'sia that has rendered my mum bursting into tears now and then.
i can't bring myself into saying it cuz i never thought such a thing will happen.

anyway, i'm probably late in writing my resolutions for the year but i had already thought of them earlier, just that i had not pen them down.

1. Take utmost faith in my religion
2. Cherish everyone, family and friends.
3. Be very discipline to achieve my goals.
4. Be mentally strong to take any criticisms.
5. Contribute to the company to the best of my ability.
6. Focus on getting good academic results.

this year, i hope to be very conscientious in my resolutions.
no more half-hearted promises.
no more cutting slack.
hopefully, with all these efforts i promised to put in, 2010 will have a sweet aftertaste.

// 21069630 //

i had a nightmare.
an extremely vivid one.

// the battle begins //

no matter how the words can be piercing.
no matter how many accusations heaped upon.
no more tears will be shed.
don't back down
and be strong.

combat fallacies with rationality.
use your eyes to see, use your ears to hear.
show her you are the real unbiased one.

rely on faith.
stock up on confidence.
build up your self-discipline

21 years.
your owe your life to her.
and it's now time to pay back.

// finally... //

I haven't blogged for ages hence it feels weird for me to be writing in this space again.

Anyway, nothing much to blog about, just there are two movies I wanna catch!

// changed //

// away. //

// BOoo! //

I'm worrying too much about sunday.

catering, cake, deco...

Chill, Hui Min!

// too used to it //

somehow i feel that i'm seriously lacking in motivation this semester.
what a huge change from last semester.
i really hope this sem will pass over soon.

well, that's me, always living in denial, ever looking for ways to escape.
i can't face up to the fact that i suck at psychology.
even though i has no interest whatsoever in engineering, i've always tried to look at it in a positive way.
but that hypocritical side of me can't sustain for long.
i'm more and more positive that i don't suit this course.
while peers are getting better in understanding and explaining those concepts we learnt.
i can't even put two and two together.

we're supposed to be trained to have that kind of analytical mind.
but mine seems to have stop functioning.

if i can't even understand what i'm supposed to do for the assignments, how am i going to complete it??

i can't wait for the exams to end soon but i don't want it to start at all.

// on the spur of the moment //

hmm.
hmmmm.

I myself am puzzled why on earth did i agree to hold a bday party.
Just today, my dad suddenly realised that I'm turning 21.
Then he says, "Hold a celebration at home, ask your friends to come".
As simple as that.

Well if only that's so simple.
I have problems deciding on the guest list.
Our place is a just a 4-room flat.
Can't accommodate many people.
That being said, I don't have that many friends also.
and majority of my relatives are in Malaysia.
So that should be fine.
Ok, now the food.
Most caterers require a minimum of 30 pax or so.
what about the cake?
no idea.

I feel like I'm adding on to my already heavy workload.
argh. why ever did I listen to my dad and aunt?
totally got psycho-ed by them at that time.
-hit my own head-

it took me long enough to realise that i suck at psychology =(

// they're back //

they're back means my housewife-y days are over!
yippie.
also, there are junk food for us! yeS. i can't wait to eat the green tea kit kat. haha.

Junk food is good, cuz i'm also super stressed at the moment.
I haven touch my assignments.
I need to complete my project.
Haiz.
Why must they replace the mid term quizzes with assignments???
And it's not like there's no quiz at all.
There'll be a few quizzes just a few weeks before the exams also.
Man. Year 3 is the most stressful till now.
I can swear to it.
All the past sems I've been complaining about my lack of ability to cope with studies.
But this sem I don't even have time to complain now.
I wrote many many question marks on my notes and I wonder when can I resolve those.
The deadlines are pushing me to hand up mediocre work.
Never-ending bouts of carelessness and bad luck are wasting my time.
I can't give my best anymore.

// home alone //

well, mum and dad flew to Japan for their pilgrimage, which I couldn't go, unfortunately.
not exactly home alone, as there's my sis who's in the midst of mugging for her Os.
and also my aunt who came yesterday.

the day after they set off, i got the first-hand experience of being a 'housewife'.
well, with the exception of cooking and laundry.
anyway, i start to empathise with my mum.
Household chores began begging for my attention the moment I open my eyes.
Firstly, i had to wash the cups, boil water, make milo, take out the butter from the fridge, sweep the floor etc etc..........
okay, i shan't bore you with the details.
but you get the idea...the tasks are ENDLESS!
Even when I finally got all the stuff done and sat down to rest, my mind couldn't get a rest.
I needed to start thinking of what to eat for lunch.
Thanks to the ulu-ness of our place, getting something decent to eat isn't easy.
Especially if you can't cook.
Perspiring heavily after walking under the hot sun, I spent half an hour just to get that all-time popular wanton mee.
After gobbling down my lunch, I had to rush for tuition.
By the time I returned home, my aunt had come.
Boy! was I super duper glad!
Yay I don't have to worry about what to eat for dinner.

Relieved of my responsibilities, I could relax this morning, chomping on more bread and
reading the newspaper (which was reporting on how the town of SengKang is no longer that ulu. ha! what a lie! at least in my neighbourhood.)
Ah finally life was back to normal.

However, my aunt will be back home tonight as she has to work tomorrow.
Looks like it will be another 'pretend to be housewife' day for me.
It's no easy task.

// recess over =\ //

well recess week is always a love-hate affair for me.
love it cuz in a sense it spells everyone's favourite word H O L I D A Y
hate it cuz there's tons of stuff to do which i'll never get down to doing.
oh yes, miraclously i can feel totally disoriented after one week of not going to school.

I seem to be having a bout of bad luck...perhaps i myself should take some responsibility.
Well there're endless incidents which i only have vague memory of, hence i won't recount them
cuz some are so trivia but really shows how bad my luck is.

Today, well I cleanly forgotton that there were no 3001 tutorials and stupidly went to school early.
i even climbed the stairs as i thought i was late.
when i peered into the tutorial room, i could only see one guy doing some stretching in the room. weird huh?
anyway i felt like the most idiotic person to pull my zombie-like self out of bed rushing for some non-existent class.

well well well nothing could compare to what happen after that.
since i had two hours to spare, i contemplated to catch some sleep in library but eventually convinced myself i should edit my project draft to a presentable state.
yes, a sudden burst of diligence.
therefore i even skipped lunch, working on my draft ever so conscientiously.
the timing was right and i finally finished the editing ten minutes before the impending lecture.

i felt so happy and relieved that i had write off one burden on my mind.
until.... i came home and found that it was not saved in my thumbdrive.
DAMN
i don't like to use harsh words but it seemed so appropriate i dunno what else to say.
I clearly remembered i did save my work! as complete draft v.2.
where has it gone??
the only possibility is that i saved it on the lib's computer desktop and not my thumbdrive.

if such a thing happen to you, will you still have the patience to re-do?
i don't. i really don't. i don't feel like.
sis says i should quickly re-do since i should still have some recollection of what i edited.
but i just don't feel up to it.
defiance, maybe. tired, definitely.
simply put, i'm just not self-discplined enough.

// lost //

i have a lot of thoughts.
a lot of impulses to blog.
but i just can't get down to it.

internal struggles are troubling me again.
why??

// people are stronger than they seems to be //

Finally...
It's coming soon...
RECESS WEEK!

Time seems to pass faster as we grow older.
Doesn't it?
So much so that I must be out of my mind to suggest that Earth is rotating faster and faster.
that's virtually impossible.

Today i happen to meet lilian on my way back to north spine.
she asked me how's life in engineering.
heard from friends it's tough and everything.
sure, it's demanding and difficult and challenging.
but people tends to habituate.
if u asked me the same question in year 1, i would be ranting and complaining why on earth did i want to make my life so hard by choosing engineering.
but now, it's "ok lah, i got used to it already".

even though business, humanities and social science courses are generally considered 'slacker',
they are, by no means, easier.
take cognitive psych, for example.
it is eating away my brain cells, seriously.
it took me a long time, but i realised that to truly understand psychology concepts,
it requires a totally different way of thinking from the way you would approach an engineering problem.
as i've said, people habituates, so it's rather difficult for me to 'switch' my thought processes.
anyway i've learnt a lot from psych modules and they are really much more interesting than engin stuff, and i hope my interest can take me through.

on a mundane note, 3 quizzes down and the project meeting down!
yes, i need a break!

// oh no! //

i can't view online lectures...
there's sound but no screen.
H E L P !

// idea-less //

i don't know whether i'm tired.
or restless.
i don't know if i have no time.
or spent too much time idling around.

the fact remains that i remain clueless what to write for the project draft.
cuz i don't have the motivation to do so.

i'm sick of revising/ reading up on it.
i'm sick of ploughing through endless articles.

this is not what i want.

i don't know if i can last for another year.

// blabberings //

would you tell a person who is obviously very wrong, the truth?
would you help a person at your inconvenience?

sometimes, i think, it is a wonder that there are so many types of people in the world.
other than nationality, races, religion, which are those differences which we more or less cannot change, the fact that different people have different ideologies is fascinating. (well, at least to me)

what you think is important might not be as important to others.
what you want to achieve is not the same as other people.
what you hold so dear in your heart might just be a piece of trash to other people.

because of the supposed truth you believed in, you are ever so determined.
no matter you are right or wrong.
i know for certain questions, there can never be a right or wrong answer.
but sometimes, when someone, either a family member or a friend believing in something so wrong, i have no courage to correct them.
also, for my staunch belief that everyone is entitled to their own views.
however, an extremely small incident made me re-think, that perhaps i should muster my courage to at least point out to people when they're (in obvious) wrong.
it all happened when i was running late for tuition due to some stuff i had to settle in school.
hence i had to call my tutee and it so happens that her dad picked up the phone.
he told me that he wants me to tutor his daughter every single day in the duration of her PSLE examination.
anyway, his tone was more of a command than anything else.
he said that my tutee did not do well for her Maths prelim just so because i didn't have time to tutor her the day before that particular paper.
it came like an accusation to me.
i said i would try to do so during the actual PSLE as i understand it is an important exam.
finally did his attitude soften and said he hope so (not want)
speak of kiasu parents!
i so badly wanted to point out that even if i did tutor her the day before her prelim paper, the mere 1.5hr would not make any difference to her marks.
after all, according to my experience, diligence and willingness to learn is the key in primary school education.
no amount of last-minute cramming can replace that.
besides, i really couldn't fork out the time at that point and i did call my tutee to remind her not to be careless and told her to call me if she has any questions.
I done what i could, didn't I?
(initially i didn't want to take up this job as i was afraid i couldn't cope but her mum came up with some sob story about her previous tuition teacher ran away without warning and left her daughter in the lurch. no choice, have I?)

next, my IA, yes I've (or rather, had to) made my choice.
i have chosen a company which satisfy my criteria of work field and location.
(actually it's a compromise between both criteria)
now, it's up to the company to decide if i satisfy their criteria.
many people seems to bank on famous companies like Shell and Exxon Mobil, I do hope they are sincerely interested in petrol chem industry instead of blindly follow where the money is.
it would make people who have a genuine interest in that area but did not apply there(for whatever reason) feel better.

on another note, just today, when i was waiting in queue for a bus home, i noticed a visually-impaired person walking towards the queue.
he stopped some distance away from the queue, just before he walk onto the bus lane (phew)
i began to wonder how he knows when the bus he wants to board comes, as there were 2 queues for 2 different bus numbers.
the other bus came first and people from the other queue boarded the bus, however, the man did not board that bus.
so was he waiting for the same bus as me?
how would he know?
just then, the bus i was waiting for arrived behind the first bus.
coincidentally, there was a jam in the interchange because several buses obstructed the lanes, the other bus wasn't able to pull out of the berth, so the bus driver of the bus i want to take honked.
on cue, the people at the front started to walk towards the bus, each and every one bypassed the visually-impaired man, never stopping to ask if he needed help or if he wants to board that particular bus.
all of them. including me.
i had half a mind to stop and ask him but just couldn't do it.
maybe cuz it was out of my convenience to do so.
if i did, people behind me in the queue would probably be unhappy that the queue stopped moving.
and the bus driver, as his view was obstructed by the bus caught in the berth, would thought that the queue had ended and might drove off.
what a bunch of lame excuses, hui min!
so i watched the man, still standing very near the berth, as the bus passed the berth and drove off.

// of crowded buses, canteens, lectures and tutorials //

an unprecedented thing happened in mse.
that is, crowded tutorials.
on the first week of tutorial, i conscientiously followed my timetable, going to the allocated tutorials and boy, were those TAs disappointing.
The worst of all was the one for 3002. (also my most dreaded module)
The TA simply flashed the answer on the OHP and stood there.
Some caucasian exchange student asked her a question, and her answer was barely satisfying, to say the least.
To make things worse, my (and others) eyesight was put to the test as the projected image was too small.
Out of a total of 5 tutorial classes, 4 were by her.

So guess what?
last thurs, after our lecture (for another module), fellow yr 3 students sprinted up the stairs from level 1 to 5, to the one and only tutorial session conducted by the lecturer.
I was one of them too.
To secure seats, almost whole of the lecture group made a beeline for the tutorial room 25.
I almost burst out laughing, when i realised the comical situation.
Chairs were moved from the opposite room over to TR 25 and soon, the whole TR was filled but some people were still outside, looking for a teeny-wheeny bit of space to squeeze in.
Eventually, an amused lecturer said, "Those who are not from this tutorial group, can you please let the others come in"
Apparently, one of those trapped outside was complaining to the lecturer that she was from this group.
Then, another voice from outside said"If the TA wasn't so lousy, we wouldn't have come"
Oh, yes totally! The brutal but honest truth.
Finally, the lecturer relented "Ok, for the next hour, I would take over that tutorial too. For this week only. Next week, probably I'll book an LT"
Whoa, finally this is coming out of the horses' mouth.
Then, satisfied by his answer, some students went out for others to come in.
By right, after his tutorial, would be the TA's tutorial at the same TR.
By doing so would mean that he would be chasing the TA away when she arrives.
Talk about unprecedented happenings.

For weeks, I wonder why.
mse peeps have been attending lectures so faithfully such that almost all lectures were at least 3/4 filled.
this is a contrast to last year, when the LT was barely half-filled.
in fact, once, during applied chem lecture, the LT was less than a quarter filled and the lecturer turned off the lights at the back of the LT, i guess, to conserve electricity.
someone said that since it's already the penultimate year, people are now more hardworking in a bid to pull up gpa, some said, maybe they suffered a drop in gpa last sem.
and of course, there're still people who have stick to watching online recording, which have served them well.

Canteens and buses as well, have been extremely crowded.
the general theory is that it's the start of the academic year, people are more conscientious to attend lessons.
well, there's another theory is that it's due to the incoming dragon babies freshmen.
i'm not sure which plays a bigger part though, but one thing is for sure -ntu should have more canteens!
Take the north spine foodcourt as an example, i'm 100% certain the stallholders are making profits.
So much so that us students have to fork out the extra charges that will be incurred by ordering takeaways to eat at the old canteen A.
Moreover, with the enlargement of the eating area, it is clear they ARE making profits.
And it is not because i'm craving for that expensive ( $3.50 - $5) jap food or that $2 BCM for that matter, it is because i have no other choice!
Give us more choices! More variety of fastfood too.
Speaking of prices, canteen B do offer much cheaper food but the queues themselves are horrendous. There's not even enough space for queuing during lunchtime.
Haiz... whoever who heard that ntu has 16 canteens is in for a shock, 14 of these canteens serve the those living in the hostel.

// to decide //

I had quite a relaxing week, cuz I met up with Lynette for lunch on wed.
After a rather quick lunch we had to split ways to our lessons; me to my cog psy tut and she to her sound in daily life lecture.
I had quite a boring tutorial and psychology tutorials are mostly like that - no homework to prepare.
Basically, the tutor just go through the main points from the lecture and to clarify doubts, if we had any.
And guess what, I met her again after just 1 hr!
I was going to get a each-a-cup while waiting for project meeting to start and she was abandoning her lecture after 1 hr (supposed to be 3 hrs)
Yea! so we chatted over a cuppa for almost 2 hrs! (i had a lot of time to spare before the meeting)
she'll be graduating in a yr and that's when i'll have industrial attachment.
wonder when can we go travel again?
and when will we patch up with opal?

After which, I walked all the way back to north spine for the project group meeting with prof.
someone told me that it's impossible to walk from north to south spine (or vice versa) without meeting someone you know along the way.
I forgot who, but that person must be good at networking, cuz I didn't see anyone I know.

At the meeting, my heart almost leaped out of my mouth when the prof said, "So now, can each one of you present what you've found?"
Luckily our group reached a consensus of presenting 'group research' instead of individual ones at a meeting the day before.
Haha so our leader managed to halt the prof from asking us individually.
seriously, i still had not much of an idea what to do after browsing through the 10+ journals/articles sent to us.
but the prof did not really relent. For the next meeting with him, he wanted us to do up a draft of our individual parts.
i'm definitely not-so thrilled at his proposition.
what to do?

Then, on Fri, I met up with Christy! yippie!
Her practicals seems many times more interesting than mine.
She made injection bottles (which she gave me one) containing soap.
Pharma practs seem sooo fun!
Well, anything beats pressing buttons on a machine, which is apparently what engineers are trained in.

By Wed, I would need to make up my mind about the choice of IA Organisations.
It's a difficult choice cuz there's little info from the companies and the thought of having to spend 6 months there is really intimidating.
And, I dunno if I should also choose overseas IA in Japan!
Yes! Japan!!
It comes with provided accomodation, I assume is workers' hostel, and a salary of ~$2200
but then again, the company (Sanyo electric) might extend the IA to eight months and with my limited mastery of japanese, it might not work out.
The catch: there are only 2 places for the entire MSE.

What about my local choices?
It's equally difficult to choose.
I have not much of a confidence that I would be able to compete for places in Shell or Exxon Mobil hence those are OUT.
I'm interested in 3M's projects but then again, it's a popular company too.
IMRE sounds good, and it offers many projects but it's located near NUS, might be a bit too far?
Haiz.
Those are only interviewing organisations.
I'll have to choose from non-interviewing organisations too.
Those I admit, are less appealing but if you dun get an interview, there's no choice but to head to those companies.

// rain rain go away //

held a belated 21st celebration for yv on friday.
Ichiban Sushi did serve nice dishes but i still MISS the food in japan.


Man, i was glad that day was the last lecture by the guest lecturer.
Somehow he manage to grab our attention by saying that he will be setting one compulsory question in the exams.
Everyone else looked so psyched, debating and was referring to the notes here and there, even after the lecturer left.
But not me, i was dying to get out of the LT.

Oh yes, on a random note, single room dorms are niceee.
So spacious!
Of course wx did maintain its cleanliness that's why it's so clean and tidy.
It's more expensive, but for more privacy and space, i think it's worth it.

And Union's day was held on thurs, we were more than happy to obliged the nominees by exchanging the 'goodies' for votes.
It might seem very superficial of us.
But that's how the majority vote.
Who'll spend time at the Rally to listen to the nominees? Very few.
Somehow, this year's MSE elections had more 'politics', due to illegal group campaigning and so on.
Well, that's not surprising to me as elections always had that element of favouring popularity to capability.

// final decision //

Ok, I've dropped that module on 23rd Aug 9.38pm.
And I've only just read all your comments.
Well, I liked the tourism module initially but the lecture was rather boring, coupled with the late timing, i guess i better drop it.
Furthermore, I decided that I can't take on an extra module with project.
Or else I'll have 3 projects and that is like super a lot, with my 5 core modules.
(Meiting! please share with me the tips to survive with 6 core modules as I'll need it for year 4!!)
The only motivation was that I could 'clear' it by S/U ing it so that I won't have to overload next year to complete a minor.

However, since I've made my decision, I shall not have any regrets.
Hence, this sem is designated as " Pull up my GPA " sem, as I will only have 5 papers to sit for, as compared to my previous sem of 7 papers.
Content-wise, it'll actually be heavier than previous sems but I'll do my best!
Also, I'll need better grades to convince my mentor (and the school) to allow me to overload next year so that I can(hopefully) complete a minor.

Whatever you can control, control.
Whatever you can't, don't.

Ok, now I'm actually feeling more motivated =)
Soon, my P6 tutee will be sitting for PSLE.
Then, my sis will have her O levels.
Other than my tutees, I think I must spare some time for sis too.
Her physics is giving her problems.
My advice to her: Back to the basics-textbook. You have to understand everything in the textbook before attempting higher level problems. (Dos anyone have any other advice??)

Yes, Hui Min, help them and help yourself.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!

// Friday Blues //

I can't take it anymore.
I seriously need to rant!

Today's lectures were horrible and tormenting.
As usual, I couldn't catch anything during the 3002 lecture.
Save me from p-n junctions!!
It's bringing back the nightmares of 2008, which i thought was supposed to be OVER.
Now this module 3002 is an extended version of 2008.
Seriously i couldn't care less how electrons move.
It's sooo confusing.

After the 3002 lecture, straightaway we had 3003, which was equally bad, if not even worse.
argh!
Though the guest lecturer (for three freaking weeks!!) is a local, and throughout the lecture, I was fully aware that he spoke English, I still can't understand him, mainly due to those highly technical terms he use.
Please ask him go for effective communication class.
And he must have gotten an A+ in technical communication.
Apparently he graduated from mse some years ago.
Anyway, during the lecture he was either reading the slides (which was choked full of words) or coining 'chimerlogy' terms which most of us have never hear before.
The irritating thing was that he did not give any explanation of those terms.
Hence I was practiclally counting down the seconds for most of the 2 hours.
Kudos to the lecturer for making the seemingly easy topic of corrosion into something so difficult to understand.

Okay, enough of ranting.

Up till now, my experience is that: Engineering is really not an easy course.
Year 1: Condensed the whole 2 year JC education as revision
Year 2: Delve deeper into manufacturing process and material properties.
Year 3: Delve even deeper into the above two aspects + practicality aspect, not to mention that it is like condensing the whole of what we learnt in year 2 into 1 semester (another semester is compulsory industrial attachment)
Year 4: Looks to be specialisation

Year 3 is not gonna be easy.
p-n junctions, design project, chim corrosion stuff, qualitative analysis...etc.
I'm super stressed out.
And I'm going to drop that tourism module.

// can't make up my mind //

Although I said I would drop the tourism (5.30-8.30pm) module, I still can't stop thinking about it.
Stubborn-ness at work?

Yesterday, I daydreamt of convocation.
It's so stupid. why am i dreaming about that when i still had another 2 more years to go?
Anyway, the scenes in my dream was so touching...everyone was taking pictures, and my clique was recalling about how we met and became friends and brave through all the four years.
my parents were beaming and was proud of me.
i felt as though i will miss studying and all those years in NTU.
But it's ok, i've snapped out of it and it's back to reality.

the scary four aus core modules.
the equally intimidating design project.
the demanding cognitive psych.
the dilemma of whether to drop tourism.
the lectures tomorrow.

// the truth about my short little finger //

WARNING: the entry below is typed by a super bored person, hence it might make no sense.

my mum always said there was something perculiar about my oh-so-short little finger.
my sis finds it cute, like a baby's.
my dad never notice it.
i find it perfectly normal.

all thanks to some evening chinese newspaper that my parents like to read.
i've found out (or rather my mum) the meaning of it. (finally)
recently, i gathered that the editors of that particular blue-bannered newspaper had not much celeb scandals to publish so they decided to devote recent issues to the de-mystifying the meanings of what the length/shape of your fingers mean.
i found out, unfortunately (and predictably) zippo good news about my petite little finger.
A rough extract: Compare the lengths of your ring and little finger.
If your little finger is shorter than the line separating the middle and upper section of your ring finger, it is considered shorter than normal.
This means something about your personality.
Apparently it's all bad news.
Those possessing the above little finger type is too naive, easily conned or made use of by people.
They are stubborn, inflexible, unwilling to accomodate changes.
They will lose out in any form of bargain.
They are bad at expressing themselves, which translates to poor communication with others and poor human relationships.

Man, this is great. Not to mention rather exact.

My sis has fingers that curve outwards (mine, uh, can't curve outwards without suffering a fracture)
And the analysis was the exact opposite of mine.
Those possessing fingers that curve outwards are smart, capable, difficult to deceive by others and armed with a hidden agenda.
They are relatively good at investments.
They are fickle-minded, and are not so stable in decision-making.
They are good at communication, possess charisma and enjoy amicable relationships with others.

Oh wells, whoever said life's fair?

// no more camping at the com! //

MSE day with fellow year threes.

Some things just need to be gotten used to.

Just how much time is needed is a mystery.

Yippie. My appeal for Cognitive Psych is successful =D

Finally something to look forward to!

can anyone tell me if i really should drop the tourism module?

// F5 + ENTER //

how can anyone write a research paper on food culture in Singapore?
this is interesting...

oh wells, i was sitting in the class - Tourism: Image, Trends and Stories, when my attention drifted to this person seated two row in front of me, pressing F5 + enter for nearly 5 mins at every interval of about 15 mins.
No presents for guessing, yes, he's at the STARS planner page, hoping that someone would drop that module at that very moment he pressed the refresh button.
I was rather bored by the history of tourism, even more mentally drained by the fact that it was already nearly 6pm and there was another two and a half hours of lecture to go.
Hence I was hoping for someone to watch some interesting youtube vid or playing some computer games to take me through that boring module, which I've yet to decided if I should drop.
Already, one of my coursemate is ready to take my place if I drop it.
The lesson ends at a miserable 8.30pm, which means I'll reached home just before 10.30.
Terrible, considering that particular day starts at 8.30am.
Someone might be willing to award me a 'hardworking award' but i'll decline it - I've dropped my 8.30am module and am deciding whether to drop that one which ends at 8.30pm.

Other than a terrible thursday, first week in school has been slack.
Owing to the fact that most of the tutorials starts in week 3, I can have two weeks of 'honeymoon'.
That is, to spend the long breaks eating and printing notes and surfing aimlessly...and waiting for someone to drop that only cognitive psych slot that can fit into my timetable.

Having said that, I still haven't adjusted to waking up early.
Feeling like a walking zombie all the time, I have to drag my feet to NTU, catching up sleep on public transport, and struggling to keep awake during lectures.
I've virtually lost my sense of direction, too used to going to LT3 for the past two sems that I would have walked into the wrong LT if not for my classmates.
Some of the 'first' lectures are so boring that I was dozing off before 15 mins was up.
Some of them, well, it was too intimidating to sleep, esp the revision on semicomductors and chemistry.
I totally forgot what is p-n junction and tafel's law, what the heck.
Felt like digging out my ms 2008 and 2003 notes, which I hoped I haven't throw away.
Honeymoon it is, but it looks like I have work to do, if i can master enough willpower to do it.

On a saturday morning, I still feel super lethargic, my head hurts intermittently, i feel i've lost my brain.
In short, I feel disoriented, which is bad cuz there's tuition later.
Hope the nagging feeling goes away!

The Optimist Creed
by Christian D. Larsen

Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

Make all your friends feel there is something in them.

Look at the sunny side of everything.

Be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

Give everyone a smile.

Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others.

Be too big for worry and too noble for anger.

// starting the fifth semester //

how time flew past.
unknowingly, the fifth semester is starting soon.
however, my memory does not seem to be able to recall myself having been through four sems.
oh, anyway i just hate to think.

slacking is my no.1 love ; i had done a lot of it this holiday.
thinking is my no.1 foe; i will need to do it from tomorrow onwards.

even in times of relaxation, i had slackened.
can u imagine? being slack in slacking.
it might not make much sense to most, but it sure describes my situation.

surprisingly after such a long break, i'm not-so-looking forward to school.
much of it owing to the "return of the long-distance travelling", the hectic "study-tuition-study" schedule
and another reason.

argh i hope to get rid of the inertia soon.

// a special second today //

12:34:56 07/08/09
i'm blogging at this special moment.

visited ION on wed with serene and shubin.
the building is at least 8 storeys high!
from basement 4 to level 4 or 5...i forgot
actually, unless u are those rich and influential, u might not want to venture above first floor!
imagine, a small piece of jewellery for an estimated $111,000!
unimaginable.

that being said, i like the basement 4 food hall!
cuz there are small vendors selling japanese street food like tokyo crepes..
takoyaki balls, hokkaido soft ice-cream and even the exact kind of bento sets i ate in Japan.
they even had the fake displays of food which is sooo ubiquitous in Japan.
it's great find, especially for me who missed the food in Japan alot!
wahahaha

in addition, there's this shop, Nippon-ya which self-proclaims it as a food boutique.
They imported those boxes of Japanese snacks/cakes which are found all over Japan.
Even the exact brand of wasabi-flavoured pistachios i bought.
Unfortunately and expectedly, the packet of pistachios which i bought for around $16 in Japan, they sold it for $22!
Also disappointedly, they did not bring in the famous hokkaido shiroi koibito (white/dark chocolate sandwiched in biscuits) but chose to import their poorer tokyo cousins.

On the same level, there's the muji, which shop layout is so similar to the one in Ginza.
I think this level must be dedicated to fans of Japan and expatriates.

On the whole, i do agree that ION brings a new concept of shopping to orchard, having different types of shops, from the middle to upper end.
Each shop has a special design of their shop front and those tv screens plastered on the walls are definitely going to attract shoppers.

// flooded by memories //

my parents always sought the best for their children.
that resulted in their decision to pull out their roots in m'sia and 'emigrated' to s'pore.
in the name of the supposedly superior education system in their adopted homeland.

being at the prime of their youth at that point in time, they had no regrets of their decision.
however, now, twenty-two years later, the same cannot be said so.

though my parents have never spoken about their initial hardship, i imagine that sinking roots in a whole new country couldn't be easy, especially without the help of relatives.
while both of them held jobs, they were relatively new to the system in this country, yet a plethora of questions greeted them.
which housing estate to move into?
which childcare centre to send the kids to?
those decisions which their peers in m'sia would never have to make.

while they had adopted the new mentality of embracing education as the way to alleviate poverty, my family, in general , is a traditional one.
every chinese year in my childhood memory was filled with the loud thumping CNY songs played by my aunt's hi-fi system and the fire crackers that lit up the night skies, making loud noises that reverberated throught the night.
not to mention, the long and boring journey on the coach to m'sia.
i would always asked my parents the same question, "when are we going to reach?" every fifteen minutes or so.
while they were snoozing away, my sis and i would look out the windows, staring at the majestic mountains and the overflooded padi plantations, never for a second thought that this foreign country could have been our home.
even though my cousins and i only met twice or thrice a year, each time not lasting more than 5 days, we were united by the games we played.
i was impressed by their ability to create games out of nothing, improvise 'punishments' and 'rewards'.
as always, being 'punished' was as fun as being 'rewarded', hence losing a game wasn't a big deal but all of us so innocently went all out to win.
in fact, only my aunt's leather sofa and my uncle's prized mahogany table were the ones which suffered in our hands, being our hideout places.
at night, my cousins would reveal their stashes of fire crackers, from those which looked like an egg to those which look like mini umbrellas, the assortment was mind-boggling.
as the adults start to countdown to the new year, we joined the neighbouring kids to lit up those fire crackers, contributing to the noise.

i believe those happy memories, stored away in deep my mind, are also kept in those of my cousins'.

P.S Two of my cousins came to s'pore last weekend and that sort of evoke my memory. even though we are not as close now, the blood ties can never be cut.