From now onwards, I just want to be me.
Nobody will get to stand in between me and myself.
And the journey of becoming a better me starts now.

Keeping cool

It's difficult to keep cool and collected when frustrations are piling up.
Blowing off the top would only worsen matters, but offers the soul an outlet to release frustration.
Always have to keep in mind: when the other party is defensive and agitated , keep the cool and wait for the storm to be over.
This must be the most important realization of the week.

On another note, sometimes I just dislike my own horoscope.
Scorpios somehow are known to be the worst out of the twelve, in terms of temperament and character.
Selfish, over-sensitive, jealous and bear grudges are some of the bad qualities.
All the while I have tried not to be a scorpio, to ignore such intuitive bad qualities, to psych myself to be more forgiving and big-hearted.
I regard myself to be successful in doing this, in fact so much so that I am losing an identity of myself.
Trying to stay neutral to all matters and avoid gossips or rumours.
Trying not to take any sides.
Trying to treat everyone equally.
Trying to accommodate others in every single way possible.
Trying to ignore and forget the unhappiness others once inflicted on me.
Maybe they are happy.
But what about me?
Deep down definitely not.
I do not want to vent any frustrations.
But It's getting harder trying to turn those negative thoughts into positive energies.
Especially when things are getting more complicated and many circumstances forces you to show the true colors.
I'm all black inside.

人总是有缺点。
有些人天生比较多。
那种改不掉缺点的无助感、又有谁明白？
别人只会觉得全都是借口。

I cannot believe myself.
I had almost forgotten the existence of this blog.

Well, work is all about mundane stuff.
And my mind is too clouded with these mundane matters that I find little inspiration to write.
It doesn't help that I am 'fire fighting' almost every single working or non-working day.

Too many unpredictables, too many variables, too many uncertainties.
My life is just full of these, from student to working adult.
Especially now, it seems that I have to figure out things on my own else they will remain unknown to me forever.
And this, is complicated by the fact that I have yet to figure out the communication 'protocols', which is crucial to get things done as a team.

i think i'm kind of schizophrenic.
sometimes i just want to seek the easy way out...to get out of this altogether.
sometimes i believe i can do it..or to put it this way, desperately convince myself that i can pull this off.

sigh. i need a life mentor.

//the world looks clearer//

didn't realised i have been living with astigmatism for so long.
everything looks sharper now haha.

// need some space //

sometimes i can't stand it anymore.
parental love and concern are supposed to be a good thing but i'm suffocating from an overdose.

why must my every word, every expression be scrutinised?
why must the culprit of my slight impatience and frustration be due to work?
why must i always clarify for the thousandth time that i did not have a 'rough' day at work?
why must i explain the reason, in addition to reporting whom i'm with for dinner? (old buddies don't need a reason to meet up, do they?)

i need to limit eating out because outside food are unhealthy.
i am not supposed to use my laptop inside the room due to 'radiation fears'

i get your point, but can't you see mine too?
can't you view the world in my perspective?
how can i keep in touch with my good friends if i don't meet them?
how can i concentrate on doing my stuff in the living room when the TV is on? (i'm seriously not trying to hide anything, whatever i'm doing on the Internet)

Every 'abnormal' move of mine yield some suspicions.
Every sneeze of mine confirm your suspicions that i'm down with flu.

Maybe in your eyes, I just so mentally immature and physically weak that my every action warrants your attention.

Ok, some people might think that I'm unfilial to think this way and also take my parents for granted.
So be it, I couldn't care less.

//a finding //

conclusion: working adults experience more serious monday blues than students, especially for those who just stepped into the working world.

as most students would have experienced by now, time often pass by faster when we are in the lab doing experiments than when we are in lecture theatres listening to some lecturer's boring drone.
same for work, time actually passes by quicker when there are countless things to handle or issues to look into than when things are going on smoothly as planned.
And, yes, all we people want is for time to pass by faster.
To be exact, the 'time' refers to the number of hours we are obligated to fulfil our responsibility as a student or as a worker.
Conversely, if the above-mentioned 'time' seems shorter, our free time or leisure time would seem to be longer.
Ultimately, it boils down to making the best of the situation.

Unfortunately, though, It's still hard to beat the blues.
I'm neither a workaholic nor a go-getter.
In fact, I like to slack...
in my free time, yes. Working hours, no, i don't.

Maybe I'm just too uptight.
Maybe I should relax a little.

Looking forward to a boring and uneventful week(s) ahead.
How long will it I last?
There must be something for me, isn't it?

//looking for love cuz it needs to look for you//

很多人都会问我想要找怎么样的男朋友。
要多高？要帅吗？要有钱吗？要运动型的吗？
要多话的吗？要会照顾人的吗？
我就会敷衍的回答：要特别的人。
其实，我的心里会在想：难道人，就只能归类于他的外表，他的性格吗？
假如我开出 XX, XX, XX 的条件，而你们，我亲爱的朋友，如果真的帮我找到一个俱备以上所有条件的人。。。难道就一定会在一起？
对我而言，那是不可能的。

可能我头脑简单，思想幼稚，
但我仍相信爱情是一种遇见，找不着，也安排不了。
其实我奢望的，并不是 XX, XX 又XX 的人，而是一段纯真的爱情。
会那么想，有可能是偶象剧看多了，被影响到。
有可能在现实中，根本没有这种东西。

所以，我所谓的特别，很难解释。。。
有可能那个人对别人来说是很普通，但在我眼中会是特别的。
如果我一直都碰不到这样的一个人，那我宁可谁都不要。

//emotions are just culprits//

getting all woke up and emotional over small little things isn't worth it.
i have a perfect example at home.
amicable atmosphere ruined, trust shattered.
i must treat it as a lesson learned.
much as i dun trust people easily, sometimes you just gotta give people benefit of the doubt.
especially if it's your own daughter who have never lied to you.
there is nothing at all that I can do if there's no trust..even after nearly 23 years.
in the past i might get emotionally charged too.
but after so many years, countless readings, i have sort of 'seen the light' and am now much more logical.
arguing with someone in the heat of the moment is such an idiotic thing to do.
i will never do such a thing, if ever.
the bomb will be exploded instead of being defused.
if emotions are the culprits, logic is akin to the prosecutor.

//release//

i think i'm a great pretender.
ok maybe not.
皮在笑，心在泣。

a sudden realisation that many things in this world is out of one's control.
i'm at a loss.
how should i behave and act in front of others?
it wasn't so complicated last time.

纯真。。。根本不存在现实里！
我好想躲进自己虚拟的世界里，永远都不想回到现实。
因为大人的世界原来那么可怕。

the wall between me and the outside world is getting thicker.
i don't want to get out.
just let me stay in my own world.
my innocent world.
i hate to be vulnerable to outer influences.

sometimes i just don't know why i'm fretting over minor things.
but these minor things make me cringe.
either i need to delete them from my memory or accept them as it is.

maybe i should try to accept people as they are.
i'm such a greenhorn, have never seen many different types of people.
once i accept this fact, maybe it wouldn't hurt that much,
maybe if i let go of those worthless principles.
i can start to breathe once more.

// A good start is half the battle won? //

Sometimes I question myself, is the path that i'm taking correct?
A good starting point?

I believe many fresh grads will ask themselves these same questions.

Some people do plan ahead about where they want to start learning, how they want to progress etc.

Not for me, I think I am just too lazy, taking whatever that comes.
What's the point of evaluating my decisions again?
What's the point of doubting when you are already 'in it'?

When life gives me lemons, I can only make lemonade.
But maybe other people would make lemon cakes, pies and more.

Can anyone get tired without doing anything constructive?
*Raise Hands*
Yes, me.

This routine causing me fatigue.

I think too much when I don't have to.
I can't think when I have to.

Many a times in life, a tough choice has to be made between leading the life you want and leading the life you should.
From major decisions like choosing a career to minor ones like deciding whether to snack at night.
An engineering student should find a job as an engineer right?
An engineer should be logical and have common sense, right?

For major stuff, I usually follow the mind whereas for minor ones, the heart rules.
I wonder if I am doing it right.

Actually, everything probably boils down to striking a balance.
Yet it is difficult because the middle line is practically invisible.

Everyone has a metre rule; the 50cm mark is defined by oneself.
Yet, to be acceptable, yours have to be within the range defined by the majority.

// the same old brand new thing: learning //

How ironic it seems.
After all, haven't I been learning in school?
Realisation dawned on me how different it is, learning in school and at work.
Hence, it's time for me to learn how to learn.

The first foray into working life is marked by a period of adjustment.
Baby steps like adjusting the body clock to wake up at 6, changing mindsets about learning, testing the waters when communicating with others.
How should i start learning?
Monkey see monkey do?
Tag along like an obedient puppy?
Fire questions like a buzzing mosquito?
I guess, most things in life require striking a balance.
For now, well I'm pretty much like a headless housefly.

is it impossible to avoid stereotyping?
oh wells, the human mind is programmed to take the shortest route to reach an answer.
people simply love judging others using the least bit of truth.

insecure, unsure, confused.
what's the role i am supposed to play?
am i prepared for it?

whatever it is, whatever it takes, i need to prove that i did not make a wrong decision.
scorpios care alot about pride.
we do not like to be told that we are wrong.
even if we realise something is a mistake, we insist on going ahead.
On full steam.

TGIF!
it isn't fun switching from waking up at 11 to waking up at 6.
the Zzz bug will leach on you for the whole day.
zombie-like by 3pm.

i am down with a syndome known as..
social awkwardness.
too many faces i can't capture their names.

many factors working against me.
all i can do is to perservere.

on a sidenote,
the world is evolving too fast, too furious.
manufacturing may be phased out earlier than predicted.
prospects ahead are diminishing.
sigh.

人们常说，休息是为了走更远的路。
没错，以往读书的时间是长，未来打工的日子应该会更长。

机会来了， 如果不把握，它就换个主人。
但如果你相信，它总会回来。
其实等待也是一件美好的事，
也许下一次的遇到会更好。

//time flies but memories remain //

as convocation signals the end of student life, it's time for some sort of reflection.
some people say that the start of working life is considered the start of adult life.
it's time to come out of your parents' shadows, to create your own future and to lead independent lives.

but who's to say that student life is easy?
in fact, life as a student was full of ups and downs too.
perhaps, this is just as how life is supposed to unfold, one would face challenges of higher and higher difficulty.
overcome them, and you'll procced on, emerging stronger in mentality.
succumb to them, and you'll be stuck in a rut.

in primary school, i've always thought my teachers to be too strict and gave us too many homework.
Life, to me at that point in time, was bitter because I had to rush homework everyday.

in secondary school, life was tough too, due to the competitive nature of my classmates and the constant struggle to handle 8 subjects, not forgetting cca participation.

in jc, I thought, having many homework to complete was nothing compared to the bitterness of not performing up to standards.
So what if everyone else believed i had to potential to do well?
i never did well and never believed that i could.
Furthermore, having competitive classmates was nothing compared to having uncooperative project work mates who hated each other.
I never thought i would survive through A levels and pw but eventually i did.

in uni, initially when the yr 1 foundation modules consisted of virtually the whole A level syllabus and were being taught in 1 semester, i thought i would faint during the lectures.
But i survived.
in year 2, when there was the technical project and presentation in front of the tutorial class, i thought it was at least 10x worse than pw because we had much lesser time to prepare.
Thankfully it went well.
in year 3, i thought i could never stay employed in a company for more than a month because i would have gotten sick of working.
surprisingly, in 8 months, i did not detest the work engineers do and actually thought it was cool.
in year 4, i thought i wouldn't be able to manage the hectic normal lessons+fyp+tuition workload, as it meant having to stay back till late in the lab, not to mention the long travelling time i had to endure.
But i did manage to do it for a year.

But of course, all these wouldn't be possible without a supportive environment, as well as family and friends.
And, to get through tough circumstances, many a times I've relied on my religious faith.

I have always believed that our past experiences shape us, including our beliefs and thoughts.
Each and every challenge in life is an opportunity for us to change for the better and emerge stronger in our mentality.
Yes, it might be tough when you are confronted with a challenge or difficulty.
It might seems that the whole world is against you and as if the world crashed on you.
You'll feel the worst you've ever felt.
But if you never pick up the pieces or remove that roadblock on your path, you can never proceed on.
Once a difficulty has been overcomed, when you look back next time, you'll be smiling...thinking how ridiculously small the problem actually was.

convocation is overated.
everyone else is excited over it.
except me.

//For a friend//

朋友之间的利用有底限，朋友互相的扶持无极限

there is only so much you can help someone,
the rest is up to them to figure it out.

unlike science or maths, there are many things in life with grey areas.
or should i say, in imbalance.
what is friendship?
the extent which you are willing to go for a friend and the extent your friend is willing to go for you, is definitely different in the eyes of both you and your friend.
some people befriend others with just a few words.
others do not consider you a friend unless you have been through much with them.
some people pay much consideration and tolerance towards their friends
while others go all out to take advantage of their friends.

sometimes, we ought to protect our own interest if the need arise.
it's better to say certain things outright than harbour unhappiness in your heart,
unless you can wholeheartedly accept them, but being human, it's difficult.
when the things that you do for a friend becomes a sword that cuts backwards,
you need to stop hurting yourself.
the stronger she is, the weaker you'll seem.
unless you have the strong mentality to counter it,
it's better to back off for the time being.

It's time to regain your confidence.
So that you will emerge stronger in your mindset.

Life is like a rat race; we all run in different paths.
if you happen to run in the same path as someone else,
treat it like a boardgame.
There is more than 1 way to win,
if you are willing, there can be no clash of interest
and nobody knows for sure who will win,
until the final piece is in place.

//when simple wishes are hard to fulfil//

当梦想一次一次被打碎，希望一次一次破碎时，回头问自己到底在坚持什么。。。


Some people make the transition faster than others, some cautiously approach it.
Some people dive into it without thinking where the future lies for them, others tediously plan a long road only to find themselves losing track.
A career is for life, there may be trial and error, doors might shut you out but at the same time new doors may open unknowingly, I guess that's the beauty of it. Its unpredictable characteristic.
A company is basically an organization of people, the mystifying thing is that these people ought to have different skills or individual qualities that make each of them unique, yet it is required that they are able to work together peacefully and cooperatively.
The irony of things go further into the specifics.
An engineer is expected to follow all the rules and regulations, fulfil customer requirements and specifications, yet also able to think out of the box to resolve issues and problems in a simplest, most efficient manner.
Another irony?
A manager needs to ensure the lowest cost for the company and the highest value for the customer.
Having said all that, it seems work is all about overcoming challenges and pushing oneself further.

Job interviews are akin to the story of the blind describing an elephant by touching it, with the roles of the interviewer and interviewee being exchangeable.
you might just happen to touch the part that's pleasant (perhaps the flappy ears) or the part which is unpleasant (the sharp tusks).
Gut feeling plays a major role, even though we know how 'accurate' it usually is.

Anyway, leading the life of a 无业游民 was a welcome break from all the mugging that was done during the past 16 years.
Even though I cannot say that I was the most conscientious student but at the very least, it wasn't easy to go through the whole education process.
If given a choice, I would want to change some parts of 'history' to make it more ideal but i guess that's life, some things you can't just undo it with a wave of your wand.

Everyone has a vision of a perfect life, some people can easily achieve it, some just have to make more effort.


用别人的欢乐来娱乐自己，用虚拟的感动来安慰自己，茫然的问自己存在的意义。
Sigh. It's time to get out of this kind of life and pursue that unreachable vision.