// 21069630 //

i had a nightmare.
an extremely vivid one.

// the battle begins //

no matter how the words can be piercing.
no matter how many accusations heaped upon.
no more tears will be shed.
don't back down
and be strong.

combat fallacies with rationality.
use your eyes to see, use your ears to hear.
show her you are the real unbiased one.

rely on faith.
stock up on confidence.
build up your self-discipline

21 years.
your owe your life to her.
and it's now time to pay back.

// finally... //

I haven't blogged for ages hence it feels weird for me to be writing in this space again.

Anyway, nothing much to blog about, just there are two movies I wanna catch!

// changed //

// away. //

// BOoo! //

I'm worrying too much about sunday.

catering, cake, deco...

Chill, Hui Min!

// too used to it //

somehow i feel that i'm seriously lacking in motivation this semester.
what a huge change from last semester.
i really hope this sem will pass over soon.

well, that's me, always living in denial, ever looking for ways to escape.
i can't face up to the fact that i suck at psychology.
even though i has no interest whatsoever in engineering, i've always tried to look at it in a positive way.
but that hypocritical side of me can't sustain for long.
i'm more and more positive that i don't suit this course.
while peers are getting better in understanding and explaining those concepts we learnt.
i can't even put two and two together.

we're supposed to be trained to have that kind of analytical mind.
but mine seems to have stop functioning.

if i can't even understand what i'm supposed to do for the assignments, how am i going to complete it??

i can't wait for the exams to end soon but i don't want it to start at all.

// on the spur of the moment //

hmm.
hmmmm.

I myself am puzzled why on earth did i agree to hold a bday party.
Just today, my dad suddenly realised that I'm turning 21.
Then he says, "Hold a celebration at home, ask your friends to come".
As simple as that.

Well if only that's so simple.
I have problems deciding on the guest list.
Our place is a just a 4-room flat.
Can't accommodate many people.
That being said, I don't have that many friends also.
and majority of my relatives are in Malaysia.
So that should be fine.
Ok, now the food.
Most caterers require a minimum of 30 pax or so.
what about the cake?
no idea.

I feel like I'm adding on to my already heavy workload.
argh. why ever did I listen to my dad and aunt?
totally got psycho-ed by them at that time.
-hit my own head-

it took me long enough to realise that i suck at psychology =(

// they're back //

they're back means my housewife-y days are over!
yippie.
also, there are junk food for us! yeS. i can't wait to eat the green tea kit kat. haha.

Junk food is good, cuz i'm also super stressed at the moment.
I haven touch my assignments.
I need to complete my project.
Haiz.
Why must they replace the mid term quizzes with assignments???
And it's not like there's no quiz at all.
There'll be a few quizzes just a few weeks before the exams also.
Man. Year 3 is the most stressful till now.
I can swear to it.
All the past sems I've been complaining about my lack of ability to cope with studies.
But this sem I don't even have time to complain now.
I wrote many many question marks on my notes and I wonder when can I resolve those.
The deadlines are pushing me to hand up mediocre work.
Never-ending bouts of carelessness and bad luck are wasting my time.
I can't give my best anymore.

// home alone //

well, mum and dad flew to Japan for their pilgrimage, which I couldn't go, unfortunately.
not exactly home alone, as there's my sis who's in the midst of mugging for her Os.
and also my aunt who came yesterday.

the day after they set off, i got the first-hand experience of being a 'housewife'.
well, with the exception of cooking and laundry.
anyway, i start to empathise with my mum.
Household chores began begging for my attention the moment I open my eyes.
Firstly, i had to wash the cups, boil water, make milo, take out the butter from the fridge, sweep the floor etc etc..........
okay, i shan't bore you with the details.
but you get the idea...the tasks are ENDLESS!
Even when I finally got all the stuff done and sat down to rest, my mind couldn't get a rest.
I needed to start thinking of what to eat for lunch.
Thanks to the ulu-ness of our place, getting something decent to eat isn't easy.
Especially if you can't cook.
Perspiring heavily after walking under the hot sun, I spent half an hour just to get that all-time popular wanton mee.
After gobbling down my lunch, I had to rush for tuition.
By the time I returned home, my aunt had come.
Boy! was I super duper glad!
Yay I don't have to worry about what to eat for dinner.

Relieved of my responsibilities, I could relax this morning, chomping on more bread and
reading the newspaper (which was reporting on how the town of SengKang is no longer that ulu. ha! what a lie! at least in my neighbourhood.)
Ah finally life was back to normal.

However, my aunt will be back home tonight as she has to work tomorrow.
Looks like it will be another 'pretend to be housewife' day for me.
It's no easy task.

// recess over =\ //

well recess week is always a love-hate affair for me.
love it cuz in a sense it spells everyone's favourite word H O L I D A Y
hate it cuz there's tons of stuff to do which i'll never get down to doing.
oh yes, miraclously i can feel totally disoriented after one week of not going to school.

I seem to be having a bout of bad luck...perhaps i myself should take some responsibility.
Well there're endless incidents which i only have vague memory of, hence i won't recount them
cuz some are so trivia but really shows how bad my luck is.

Today, well I cleanly forgotton that there were no 3001 tutorials and stupidly went to school early.
i even climbed the stairs as i thought i was late.
when i peered into the tutorial room, i could only see one guy doing some stretching in the room. weird huh?
anyway i felt like the most idiotic person to pull my zombie-like self out of bed rushing for some non-existent class.

well well well nothing could compare to what happen after that.
since i had two hours to spare, i contemplated to catch some sleep in library but eventually convinced myself i should edit my project draft to a presentable state.
yes, a sudden burst of diligence.
therefore i even skipped lunch, working on my draft ever so conscientiously.
the timing was right and i finally finished the editing ten minutes before the impending lecture.

i felt so happy and relieved that i had write off one burden on my mind.
until.... i came home and found that it was not saved in my thumbdrive.
DAMN
i don't like to use harsh words but it seemed so appropriate i dunno what else to say.
I clearly remembered i did save my work! as complete draft v.2.
where has it gone??
the only possibility is that i saved it on the lib's computer desktop and not my thumbdrive.

if such a thing happen to you, will you still have the patience to re-do?
i don't. i really don't. i don't feel like.
sis says i should quickly re-do since i should still have some recollection of what i edited.
but i just don't feel up to it.
defiance, maybe. tired, definitely.
simply put, i'm just not self-discplined enough.

// lost //

i have a lot of thoughts.
a lot of impulses to blog.
but i just can't get down to it.

internal struggles are troubling me again.
why??

// people are stronger than they seems to be //

Finally...
It's coming soon...
RECESS WEEK!

Time seems to pass faster as we grow older.
Doesn't it?
So much so that I must be out of my mind to suggest that Earth is rotating faster and faster.
that's virtually impossible.

Today i happen to meet lilian on my way back to north spine.
she asked me how's life in engineering.
heard from friends it's tough and everything.
sure, it's demanding and difficult and challenging.
but people tends to habituate.
if u asked me the same question in year 1, i would be ranting and complaining why on earth did i want to make my life so hard by choosing engineering.
but now, it's "ok lah, i got used to it already".

even though business, humanities and social science courses are generally considered 'slacker',
they are, by no means, easier.
take cognitive psych, for example.
it is eating away my brain cells, seriously.
it took me a long time, but i realised that to truly understand psychology concepts,
it requires a totally different way of thinking from the way you would approach an engineering problem.
as i've said, people habituates, so it's rather difficult for me to 'switch' my thought processes.
anyway i've learnt a lot from psych modules and they are really much more interesting than engin stuff, and i hope my interest can take me through.

on a mundane note, 3 quizzes down and the project meeting down!
yes, i need a break!

// oh no! //

i can't view online lectures...
there's sound but no screen.
H E L P !

// idea-less //

i don't know whether i'm tired.
or restless.
i don't know if i have no time.
or spent too much time idling around.

the fact remains that i remain clueless what to write for the project draft.
cuz i don't have the motivation to do so.

i'm sick of revising/ reading up on it.
i'm sick of ploughing through endless articles.

this is not what i want.

i don't know if i can last for another year.

// blabberings //

would you tell a person who is obviously very wrong, the truth?
would you help a person at your inconvenience?

sometimes, i think, it is a wonder that there are so many types of people in the world.
other than nationality, races, religion, which are those differences which we more or less cannot change, the fact that different people have different ideologies is fascinating. (well, at least to me)

what you think is important might not be as important to others.
what you want to achieve is not the same as other people.
what you hold so dear in your heart might just be a piece of trash to other people.

because of the supposed truth you believed in, you are ever so determined.
no matter you are right or wrong.
i know for certain questions, there can never be a right or wrong answer.
but sometimes, when someone, either a family member or a friend believing in something so wrong, i have no courage to correct them.
also, for my staunch belief that everyone is entitled to their own views.
however, an extremely small incident made me re-think, that perhaps i should muster my courage to at least point out to people when they're (in obvious) wrong.
it all happened when i was running late for tuition due to some stuff i had to settle in school.
hence i had to call my tutee and it so happens that her dad picked up the phone.
he told me that he wants me to tutor his daughter every single day in the duration of her PSLE examination.
anyway, his tone was more of a command than anything else.
he said that my tutee did not do well for her Maths prelim just so because i didn't have time to tutor her the day before that particular paper.
it came like an accusation to me.
i said i would try to do so during the actual PSLE as i understand it is an important exam.
finally did his attitude soften and said he hope so (not want)
speak of kiasu parents!
i so badly wanted to point out that even if i did tutor her the day before her prelim paper, the mere 1.5hr would not make any difference to her marks.
after all, according to my experience, diligence and willingness to learn is the key in primary school education.
no amount of last-minute cramming can replace that.
besides, i really couldn't fork out the time at that point and i did call my tutee to remind her not to be careless and told her to call me if she has any questions.
I done what i could, didn't I?
(initially i didn't want to take up this job as i was afraid i couldn't cope but her mum came up with some sob story about her previous tuition teacher ran away without warning and left her daughter in the lurch. no choice, have I?)

next, my IA, yes I've (or rather, had to) made my choice.
i have chosen a company which satisfy my criteria of work field and location.
(actually it's a compromise between both criteria)
now, it's up to the company to decide if i satisfy their criteria.
many people seems to bank on famous companies like Shell and Exxon Mobil, I do hope they are sincerely interested in petrol chem industry instead of blindly follow where the money is.
it would make people who have a genuine interest in that area but did not apply there(for whatever reason) feel better.

on another note, just today, when i was waiting in queue for a bus home, i noticed a visually-impaired person walking towards the queue.
he stopped some distance away from the queue, just before he walk onto the bus lane (phew)
i began to wonder how he knows when the bus he wants to board comes, as there were 2 queues for 2 different bus numbers.
the other bus came first and people from the other queue boarded the bus, however, the man did not board that bus.
so was he waiting for the same bus as me?
how would he know?
just then, the bus i was waiting for arrived behind the first bus.
coincidentally, there was a jam in the interchange because several buses obstructed the lanes, the other bus wasn't able to pull out of the berth, so the bus driver of the bus i want to take honked.
on cue, the people at the front started to walk towards the bus, each and every one bypassed the visually-impaired man, never stopping to ask if he needed help or if he wants to board that particular bus.
all of them. including me.
i had half a mind to stop and ask him but just couldn't do it.
maybe cuz it was out of my convenience to do so.
if i did, people behind me in the queue would probably be unhappy that the queue stopped moving.
and the bus driver, as his view was obstructed by the bus caught in the berth, would thought that the queue had ended and might drove off.
what a bunch of lame excuses, hui min!
so i watched the man, still standing very near the berth, as the bus passed the berth and drove off.

// of crowded buses, canteens, lectures and tutorials //

an unprecedented thing happened in mse.
that is, crowded tutorials.
on the first week of tutorial, i conscientiously followed my timetable, going to the allocated tutorials and boy, were those TAs disappointing.
The worst of all was the one for 3002. (also my most dreaded module)
The TA simply flashed the answer on the OHP and stood there.
Some caucasian exchange student asked her a question, and her answer was barely satisfying, to say the least.
To make things worse, my (and others) eyesight was put to the test as the projected image was too small.
Out of a total of 5 tutorial classes, 4 were by her.

So guess what?
last thurs, after our lecture (for another module), fellow yr 3 students sprinted up the stairs from level 1 to 5, to the one and only tutorial session conducted by the lecturer.
I was one of them too.
To secure seats, almost whole of the lecture group made a beeline for the tutorial room 25.
I almost burst out laughing, when i realised the comical situation.
Chairs were moved from the opposite room over to TR 25 and soon, the whole TR was filled but some people were still outside, looking for a teeny-wheeny bit of space to squeeze in.
Eventually, an amused lecturer said, "Those who are not from this tutorial group, can you please let the others come in"
Apparently, one of those trapped outside was complaining to the lecturer that she was from this group.
Then, another voice from outside said"If the TA wasn't so lousy, we wouldn't have come"
Oh, yes totally! The brutal but honest truth.
Finally, the lecturer relented "Ok, for the next hour, I would take over that tutorial too. For this week only. Next week, probably I'll book an LT"
Whoa, finally this is coming out of the horses' mouth.
Then, satisfied by his answer, some students went out for others to come in.
By right, after his tutorial, would be the TA's tutorial at the same TR.
By doing so would mean that he would be chasing the TA away when she arrives.
Talk about unprecedented happenings.

For weeks, I wonder why.
mse peeps have been attending lectures so faithfully such that almost all lectures were at least 3/4 filled.
this is a contrast to last year, when the LT was barely half-filled.
in fact, once, during applied chem lecture, the LT was less than a quarter filled and the lecturer turned off the lights at the back of the LT, i guess, to conserve electricity.
someone said that since it's already the penultimate year, people are now more hardworking in a bid to pull up gpa, some said, maybe they suffered a drop in gpa last sem.
and of course, there're still people who have stick to watching online recording, which have served them well.

Canteens and buses as well, have been extremely crowded.
the general theory is that it's the start of the academic year, people are more conscientious to attend lessons.
well, there's another theory is that it's due to the incoming dragon babies freshmen.
i'm not sure which plays a bigger part though, but one thing is for sure -ntu should have more canteens!
Take the north spine foodcourt as an example, i'm 100% certain the stallholders are making profits.
So much so that us students have to fork out the extra charges that will be incurred by ordering takeaways to eat at the old canteen A.
Moreover, with the enlargement of the eating area, it is clear they ARE making profits.
And it is not because i'm craving for that expensive ( $3.50 - $5) jap food or that $2 BCM for that matter, it is because i have no other choice!
Give us more choices! More variety of fastfood too.
Speaking of prices, canteen B do offer much cheaper food but the queues themselves are horrendous. There's not even enough space for queuing during lunchtime.
Haiz... whoever who heard that ntu has 16 canteens is in for a shock, 14 of these canteens serve the those living in the hostel.

// to decide //

I had quite a relaxing week, cuz I met up with Lynette for lunch on wed.
After a rather quick lunch we had to split ways to our lessons; me to my cog psy tut and she to her sound in daily life lecture.
I had quite a boring tutorial and psychology tutorials are mostly like that - no homework to prepare.
Basically, the tutor just go through the main points from the lecture and to clarify doubts, if we had any.
And guess what, I met her again after just 1 hr!
I was going to get a each-a-cup while waiting for project meeting to start and she was abandoning her lecture after 1 hr (supposed to be 3 hrs)
Yea! so we chatted over a cuppa for almost 2 hrs! (i had a lot of time to spare before the meeting)
she'll be graduating in a yr and that's when i'll have industrial attachment.
wonder when can we go travel again?
and when will we patch up with opal?

After which, I walked all the way back to north spine for the project group meeting with prof.
someone told me that it's impossible to walk from north to south spine (or vice versa) without meeting someone you know along the way.
I forgot who, but that person must be good at networking, cuz I didn't see anyone I know.

At the meeting, my heart almost leaped out of my mouth when the prof said, "So now, can each one of you present what you've found?"
Luckily our group reached a consensus of presenting 'group research' instead of individual ones at a meeting the day before.
Haha so our leader managed to halt the prof from asking us individually.
seriously, i still had not much of an idea what to do after browsing through the 10+ journals/articles sent to us.
but the prof did not really relent. For the next meeting with him, he wanted us to do up a draft of our individual parts.
i'm definitely not-so thrilled at his proposition.
what to do?

Then, on Fri, I met up with Christy! yippie!
Her practicals seems many times more interesting than mine.
She made injection bottles (which she gave me one) containing soap.
Pharma practs seem sooo fun!
Well, anything beats pressing buttons on a machine, which is apparently what engineers are trained in.

By Wed, I would need to make up my mind about the choice of IA Organisations.
It's a difficult choice cuz there's little info from the companies and the thought of having to spend 6 months there is really intimidating.
And, I dunno if I should also choose overseas IA in Japan!
Yes! Japan!!
It comes with provided accomodation, I assume is workers' hostel, and a salary of ~$2200
but then again, the company (Sanyo electric) might extend the IA to eight months and with my limited mastery of japanese, it might not work out.
The catch: there are only 2 places for the entire MSE.

What about my local choices?
It's equally difficult to choose.
I have not much of a confidence that I would be able to compete for places in Shell or Exxon Mobil hence those are OUT.
I'm interested in 3M's projects but then again, it's a popular company too.
IMRE sounds good, and it offers many projects but it's located near NUS, might be a bit too far?
Haiz.
Those are only interviewing organisations.
I'll have to choose from non-interviewing organisations too.
Those I admit, are less appealing but if you dun get an interview, there's no choice but to head to those companies.

// rain rain go away //

held a belated 21st celebration for yv on friday.
Ichiban Sushi did serve nice dishes but i still MISS the food in japan.


Man, i was glad that day was the last lecture by the guest lecturer.
Somehow he manage to grab our attention by saying that he will be setting one compulsory question in the exams.
Everyone else looked so psyched, debating and was referring to the notes here and there, even after the lecturer left.
But not me, i was dying to get out of the LT.

Oh yes, on a random note, single room dorms are niceee.
So spacious!
Of course wx did maintain its cleanliness that's why it's so clean and tidy.
It's more expensive, but for more privacy and space, i think it's worth it.

And Union's day was held on thurs, we were more than happy to obliged the nominees by exchanging the 'goodies' for votes.
It might seem very superficial of us.
But that's how the majority vote.
Who'll spend time at the Rally to listen to the nominees? Very few.
Somehow, this year's MSE elections had more 'politics', due to illegal group campaigning and so on.
Well, that's not surprising to me as elections always had that element of favouring popularity to capability.