// searching for a solution //

i finally know what's wrong.
and there are just too many problems for me to rectify.
just listing down all of them would sap away all my energy.
do i even have any energy left to search for a solution?
or is the solution already there, just that I have failed to notice it?
i dunno, it seems like i'm looking for an antidote, but do not even know how it looks like in the first place.
i'll have to swallow a lot of poisons before i can find the antidote.
you tell me, it's there,
it's just there,
but i just cannot see it.
Haiz.

//quirky//

Finally, had some time to do mindless surfing.

Funny
http://campus.udayton.edu/~swe/funstuff.htm

Dilbert's salary theorem
http://www.engineeringhumor.com/Theorems.html

i particularly like this:
why was the free electron so sad?
because it had nothing to be positive about!

got logged out of STARS at the most crucial moment.
can't get a core module.
what is this!

// 365th post //

there's no particular reason for this post.
it's just that, i'm lost again.
Lost in thoughts, i mean.

Each time I whine about going back to school.
About doing projects.
About tutoring.
Or anything else.
I still have to continue to do so.

Suddenly, it seems as though there's no real meaning in life.
Everyone is stuck in this rat race, following the process of studying, graduating, working, marrying, child bearing, bringing up children, educating them, retiring, relaxing and finally, dying.
Years pass by without getting much notice.
People come in and out of your life without permanent stay.
It seems like a natural process.

The world is so huge and yet each individual is so insignificant.
Why are we so bothered by the rat race?
Afterall, everyone has to go through it, whether you emerge victorious or not, does it even matter?
I know I sound self-defeating, but really, does it matter?
So what if you are at the top of the world next?
The next moment, you could fall all the way to the bottom of the ladder.
Hence, I can't understand why people butter up their boss, backstab colleagues, become self-centred, display kiasuism...etc.
Perhaps, a moment of weakness? but something tells me it's more than that.

I don't know about others, but sometimes, at some moments, I get these crazy thoughts like,
what's my cousins doing in msia? my aunty probably out for a karaoke session, my uncle at mahjong and my cousins out on dates.
Also, I'll savour the memories of my past overseas trips.
I wonder if the friendly uncle in hokkaido is still selling the uber delicious curry omelette rice?
Wonder what's the temperature like at Mount Fuji?
Wonder how's the soft-spoken vietnamese tour guide is doing?
I would even go to the extent of imagining the scene of Beijing's Great Wall and Tiananmen, is it still as crowded?
Then, after which, I will feel incredulous that at this very moment, people are experiencing different weather, different living conditions, different incidents at different parts of the world.
Please don't tell me I'm going crazy =P

// with age, comes wisdom //

I know it's still early to add another number to my age.
But celebrating some friends' birthdays still makes me feel old.
Esp if it's a threesome celebration!


Looking at the souvenir of a minature Effiel Tower really makes me feel like touring Europe!
I wonder if there's any possibility at all for me to backpack to Europe!
Afterall, it's always said to be too expensive and dangerous.

But it would be a dream come true to visit ancient castles and a change in scenery from the concrete jungle here.

Anyway, I guess, spending a few months abroad has made some people more streetsmart and wiser.
In fact, not only those who went overseas, i feel, being thrust into the working world has made all of us wiser.



For me, the aftermath of internship is that I've learnt to appreciate people whose words and actions are from the heart.
I have always thought that all humans are superficial to a certain extent.
And have never ever reflected that upon myself.
But now, I realised that I do act superficially at times too.
How?
For example, not really paying attention to what others say and blindly agree.
Only safe guarding self interest such that it might neglect the interests of others.
Insisting that I could do without help on the pretext of not wanting to inconvenience others when I really do need some help.
Not clarifying doubts.
And the list goes on.
I truly think cowardice on my part is the main culprit.
I now feel the need to constantly remind myself to speak and act from the heart.
And always act in the best interests of others. which is known as emphathy.
And I've experienced the benefits of doing so.
Somehow, people will be more receptive of your ideas and of course, a better relationship between people will be formed.
The world would become a better place.

Clarke Quay.

Last week at MBS. Obsessed with the structure!

Evidence of poor photog skills...

// the online battle //

Even though there's still almost 2 months to start of year 4, the impending course registration has just thrown most students into a frenzy.
Heard from sources that it's nearly impossible to get all the modules of your choice.
At least that's what they say of yr 4 mse.
Unless, will the help of ultra fast clicking and lady luck.
I guess having a lightning computer speed would help too.
Especially major prescibed electives, most people will fight for the popular ones. (which I don't know what are those and couldn't care less)
Speaking of which, I still can't make a final decision yet.
Oh whatever, for the past 5 semesters no guy has ever made my heart thump harder than our dearest 'fastest finger first' system.
Or for that matter, sweaty palms and a sudden shoot up in temperature.
I daresay it's the most exciting event that happens in ntu every semester, with the exception of probably the youth olympics (which is exciting only cuz it's a once in a blue moon affair)
In fact I'm always more driven to get the modules that I want, rather than studying them during the semester.
The satisfaction that comes with securing a place in a module of your choice just falls short of getting an A grade.
No kidding.

// the only constant is change //

Less than 2 months to the start of senior year..oh no.
Having exposed to the industry for some months, my view has changed from being afraid to more certain and now, looking forward.
Yet, it's time to go back to school.
I'm not so looking forward to fyp, surely.
My fyp haven even started and I'm already dreading it.
I'm regretting taking this bio-related project, after understanding it further.
Haiz, double haiz, triple haiz.
Have I chose the wrong project?
Even if that is so, it's too late for regrets.
Yes, I'm whining again.

Though i did not have an easy time during my IA, but at least I was still interested the work I was doing, which is totally materials related.
Looking forward to preparing samples.
Learning from the technicians.
Using the equipment.
Putting in the samples.
Waiting for the results.
Small things that kept me happy.
And it was this interest that drove me on.

Now that I am told that the 'materials' related part for my project is shaved off by alot
and the bio component is the mainstay, I'm super duper unhappy about it.
Sigh.
Initially I wanted to try new things but looks like I am still more happy doing something familiar.
Maybe I should have chosen a project related to my IA project.

In addition, throughout 3 years I have never set a foot into the actual MSE labs.
And for fyp we're supposed to be stuck there almost every week.
ARGH

Furthermore, the thought of studying really frightens me.
I don't mind attending lectures, tutorials.
But mugging for CAs, exams, yet again.
Facing kiasu people again.
These thoughts seriously saddens me.

I really really really really really really hope I can get a psychology module.
To motivate me to continue schooling.

// Toy Story 3 //

I have forgotten when had the previous Toy Story sequel been screened.
In fact, I can only vaguely remember the storyline.
But of course, no one forgets Sheriff Woody, Buzz Lightyear, or for that matter, Rex and the potato couple.

Maybe it's only me.
Even though reviews exclaimed the film to be touching or some tear-jerker,
the tale did not tug at my heart's strings.
Probably, I have to admit, I'm very much overaged for it.
Hence it didn't struck a chord with me, unlike the previous two movies.
The toys didn't grow, but like Andy, I did.
I was hoping the film to chronicle the feelings people have when they have outgrown toys but still, looking at the toys would bring back many happy memories.
This was kept till the last part, when I was already frozen in the cool air and yearning to thaw myself.
But of course, focusing on this wouldn't be fair as the main point is the toys' adventures in sunnyside daycare and the incineration plant.
Speaking of the incinerator, surprisingly, even to myself, I did not feel even a tad of anxiousness for the toys when they held hands before they were about to perish in the fire.
All the time, I was thinking that somehow they will be saved.
Rewind 5 years back, I might believed that they are about to perish and might even feel sad.
Alas, I'm indeed too overaged to appreciate this.
However, the wise cracks and humour do make it a winner.

What makes Toy Story so different from many other famed animated films, is that there is no ugly green monster, no superhero moves, just something as simple and everyday as toys talking, moving and feeling like humans do.
First launched way back in 1995, Toy Story made every child's dream come true.
In today's world, where traditional figurines are continuously being replaced by hi-tech toys like computer games, the success of Toy Story 3 is even more valuable.

the answer has been here all along.
shouldn't have cracked my brains to no avail.
wisdom comes from following the buddha's practice.

what kind of engineer do i aspire to be?

I will do my best to pull out of this vicious cycle.
I need to be courageous and assertive.

// emo //

I finally understood the meaning of "bitter medicine: hard to swallow, good for health".
At least I think I do.
Nobody is perfect.
Many people seek to become a better person.

However.
what if...
you innately feel something is very wrong with your life.
Like you can't be free..
Everytime you face anyone, you can no longer freely express what's on your mind.
You can't be true to your feelings...and always wears a mask to fence up yourself.

Depression sets in.
You tried your all to reflect on yourself.
Yet just couldn't pinpoint what's wrong.
And you just knew you didn't suffer from autism, social phobia, chronic depression or any mental illness.
At the very least, you could feel monentary happiness around happy people.
You try very very hard to appreciate all the little and good things in life.
You tried to be happy. to remain happy. to make people around you happy.
An epic failure.
You constantly ask yourself, are you simply expecting too much from yourself?
Are you jealous of other people's lives?
Somehow you know the answer for both questions is no.
And the feeling of depressed and dissatisfaction continue to haunt you.

Before you reach one place, you feel absolutely psyched and spontaneous.
But when you finally reached the place, you absolutely hate it and feel like leaving.
Synonyms of the word 'boring' kept flashing in your head.
Yet, ...yet, you still have to put on a happy mask to show you are enjoying.
And daydream about being in another place.
But when you are not there, you kept thinking of the place and all the things you would have missed out on.
And, this happens not once, twice or thrice.
It occurs (almost) every single time.

Maybe I'm just born to be like that.
Or maybe the two-year damage was really beyond my imagination.
I can't remember my innermost thoughts and feelings before those two years.
Perhaps, I had been happy. satisfied. with life. with family. with friends.
Probably I was too engrossed with academic achievements to even notice.
Only one incident still remained in my mind.
I knew I had once told a vice principal, 'I don't need friends, my aim is just to get good academic results', afterwhich she vehemently rebutted me.
Well, the hardest two years of my life proved me wrong..and my vice principal correct.
Without supportive friends I am nothing but an empty shell.
Without them, I cannot achieve anything at all.
Without them, I have nowhere to seek validation.
I can't even trust myself.
Until someone trust me.
Who is correct at guessing my personality.
Willing to lend a ear to hear my inner conflicts.
Willing to share a wealth of personal experiences with me.
Willing to point out my weaknesses and make efforts to help me to eliminate them.
But there's one thing guessed wrongly.
I know in my life, there's still love. concern. in many different ways. from family. from friends.
But no one totally understand me.
On the surface..
I assumed everybody thought that I am happy.
Since no one asked me why I am unhappy.
Except you.

On another note.
Leading an aimless life is one thing, not going all out to achieve your goals is another.
I believe I belong to the latter.
Perhaps, it's just not so good to ponder, brood over, consider, think too much when taking a step forward.
In the process, you might just lost touch with the initial goal or even give up the idea altogether because many invisicible walls suddenly appear to create obstructions.
At the end, nothing will be achieved.

//freed//

you can't learn how to swim until you let go of the walls.

// officially freed! //

I can't say how glad I am to be officially freed from internship!
Haha.

It was stressful, probably mostly orignating from myself.
All the while I was telling myself not to break anything again, to be EXTRA cautious.
More importantly not to do anything to incur the wrath of anyone, esp my sup, who'll be grading me.
Adding on the stress is the report deadline.
If only they can make this an S/U module, then I wouldn't need to feel so uptight.
Anyway, It's just me.
I think all my other friends are enjoying their intern days, like since day one.

I can't say I enjoyed mine, but at least I did gain alot of insights and learned about the working world.
intangibles which textbooks don't teach, yet are so pertinent to working.
Even if my grade is still unknown to me, at least this internship has been worthwhile.

//a lesson of enlightenment//

learning to let go is probably the hardest thing to master.
whether it is to let go of anger, hatred, grievances or to let go of familiarity and loved ones.
but the only way to move forward is to let go of the past misery, which served no purpose.
how then, to let go?
some people laugh it off, others physically hurt themselves.
but some never did, and bottle it in their hearts for many years.
all it matters is the perception.
to view grievances not as unfairness or misery
but as a way to toughen up and emerge stronger.
because life is wasted on being unhappy and indignant.
a minute of anger means sixty seconds less of happiness.

so why bother?
if you truly believe in yourself, believe you are doing the right thing.
unkind criticism from others means nothing.
seeking validation from within, not from others.
one day, others might realise their mistake
but that is not important to you anymore
cuz you have already surpass the stage of seeking others' approval.
you have a clear conscience and nothing at all to fear.

有许多话哽咽在喉咙，不知从何说起。
但非常感激，我上了宝贵的一课，一些从来没有人教我的道理。
犹如雨过天晴，原本封锁的心，渐渐被释放。
虽然暂时不能把全部放下，但开始真正懂得珍惜生命，体会其中的美妙。
这一课，我铭记在心。

sudden all things come to realisation.
time is ticking.
i have only three days to put them in place.
i can't afford to sleep.
which is crazy.

// friendship //

友谊，有很多种。
有些，一见如故，可以聊到没完没了。
有些，靠时间一点一滴累积，慢慢习惯。
我渐渐发现，每个出现在我生命里的人都有一定有原因。
一起共度患难的朋友，肯定值得珍惜。
对于那些伤心时赐予安慰，沮丧时给予鼓励的朋友，我万分感激。
但就有一些人，或许我和他们，从没有机会深一层的了解彼此，
却因某种情况相识。
我原本以为这些人只是生命中的过客， 日子一久就变成抛在脑后的记忆，迟早被遗忘。
可是，别小看这既毫不起眼又平凡的友情。
事隔几年再见，我却因那熟悉的笑容与言行举止, 心中出现一股莫名其妙的暖意，脑海里浮现一些当年的画面。
不深刻的朋友也不一定在心中毫无地位。

// lackadaiscal //

journals +
report
=
frustration +
panic

// grateful //

i'm grateful for the tolerance shown.
i'm thankful for the confidence in me.
i hope this will strengthen my resolution.
after all, the enemy to overcome is myself.

// one year //

can't believe it's been a year since my free-and-easy trip to Japan.
the good old days are always sweet.
wonder when i can travel again?

5 more weeks to freedom.
4 more weeks to chiong.
argh. not enough time.