幸福的定义对每个人不同。而且还会随时间和场合改变。
在九级大地震和海啸发生前， 对日本人而言，幸福的来源或许就是拥有最新颖的科技产品，在科技上有什么突破。
但现在，对流离失所的他们而言，幸福就是能再重返家园，回到自己的安乐窝。
可想而知，那是不可能的。反而，寒冷的气候和电源短缺雪上加霜。
也许，人唯有在艰难时，才领悟，其实幸福就是那么简单。
但是，当人们每天都处于那所为“简单幸福”的状态时却不从觉得幸福，反而可能有许多埋怨。

对我而言，幸福就是。。。拿着一个饭盒，坐在电视机前，什么都不想，毫无烦恼忧虑的尽情享受电视节目。

简单吧？

//solitary mutter//

at the end of the day, you realise that the only person on earth that can really help you is yourself.
yet, it is the most difficult task ever.
yes it sounds ironic.
after all, it is you who know your own limits, your preferences, your temperament.

It is precisely because of the fact it is only you who have a chance at solving the actual problem that it is difficult.
Especially if you are a weakling.

// some form of respite //

It's finally recess week.

Ok, so I've rather slack the week before, cuz my lab meeting presentation was finally over on 4 Mar!

Then my cousin and cousin-in-law came over to stay at my house as they wanted to tour Sg over the weekend.

Anyway, becuz of the concert I was due to go, I didn't really bring them around.

In spite of this, they had no problem finding their way in Sg with the directions I gave them.

Anyway, my cousin-in-law even bought a coach handbag from ion and my parents were passing some remarks about being materialistic.

To the working class, it seems like owning something branded is a must, no?

But to the older generation it just seems like frittering away hard-earned money.

Anyway, I dun tink we are in a position to comment.

After all, one spends his/her money on whatever he/she deems fit, which others might not agree on..but it's none of their business anyway.

Back to the concert, even though I was the one who wanted to go for JJ's concert, I think my sis is more excited than me. She listened to his songs non-stop a few days before the concert haha.

My mum thought I would have insomnia after the concert.

Fat hope, I was extremely exhausted from tutoring and also preparing for my presentation a few days earlier.

Smudge - The fashion line founded by JJ


Waiting in anticipation!

The show!

It was a 3hr show and according to some sources he sang 35 songs.

Well, i think it was quite a mad rush, yet he didn't sing some of the songs I hoped he would.

Most of the songs were upbeat numbers where he had to dance and sing simultaneously like a energy bunny.

Though his vocals were somewhat compromised due to the multi-tasking, it was still very good, without missing a note or beat.

The only thing was that the fast and loud music kind of overpowered his voice.

And he got super duper high when Jam Hsiao appeared and they sang Michael Jackson's Black or White.

Of course neither could be compared to the great MJ but it showed the rocker side of him.

The ballads, on the other hand, were flawless and touching.

In my opinion, his piano performance was rather short but it was a highlight as he sang 'Home' and the screen flickered to Kit Chan, who stood up and applauded him.

Cool and sleek during dance numbers, warm and relaxed on the piano, funny and hyper with Jam Hsiao, emotional and touching during ballads.

Different faces of JJ, bright lights, fireworks, coupled with outrageous costumes typical that of Chinese musicians and heartfelt words of thanks towards his family, mentors, colleagues and fans.

It was definitely worth watching.

P.S It was quite surprising to see, with the exception of a few rows, most of the people sitting near us were actually some older people who looks to be in their mid to late 30s.

Also, Ang Junyang and Candyce were just a row away from us.

//OVERWHELMED//

I hope I can pull through.
There is tons to do.

Next week is a terribly busy week.
Experiments due.
Cell culture.
Engineers & Society meeting
Psych class debate meeting
Psych research project meeting
Visiting Prof meeting
2 days of career fair.

-FAINTS-

Let me see if I still have time to attend lectures and tutorials. =/

What's making it worse is the need to prepare some research material for the meetings.
I don't even have time to do my fyp lit rev,
start writing my fyp report,
or do my presentation slides.
Much less to research on some space shuttle disaster 20-odd years ago
or on some psychology model and findings.

Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying my psychology module.
One of our class assignment was to take the Myer-Briggs Type Indicator test and the Big 5 personality test.
Well, to me it's interesting.
I realise I am still an INPF at heart.
Introverted iNtuitive Perceiving Feeling.
But I have become more of a Thinking type than Perceiving type after entering uni.
It's the influence from all those engineering courses I presume.
At times, I actually get INTP instead.
Anyway, I'm side-tracking already.
The point is I have to read psychology journal articles for the project!
Not again.
I had a horrible experience with writing a psych lit rev previously.
Sure, journal articles across different disciplines definitely would have some similarities.
Trust me, those similarities ends at the abstract and intro section.
That's all.
I could barely comprehend their methods section, and their results and discussion sections looks like greek to me.

-BOO-

Sometimes I think I have no common sense.
Ok, actually most of the time.
I misinterpret my mentor's verbal instructions.
I couldn't catch up with her fast pace.
The consequence?
Countless times of re-doing experiments.

-DOUBLE BOOS-

//The new year question: How to start?//

For the past few days since 1st Jan, I've been searching through my mind.
Searching for new year resolutions I can make.
Sadly, I found none.

What do I hope to achieve this year?
I have no idea.
I think 'hope' is the best word to describe this especially if you know you wouldn't be able to accomplish the resolutions you made.
At the beginning of every year most people are fresh and invigorated, the stipulated public holidays undoubtedly playing a part.
More so, i believe, however, is due to the works of the mind.
A new year presents new hopes, new wishes, new challenges, as the cliche goes.
As I see bright and fresh faces around, I knew many are still holding on to the cliche mindset.
I was one of those last year, last last year, and many many years before.
This year, an entrance to the new year or new decade, however, has greatly diminished in its significance to me.
It's just another day when the clock struck twelve, a time that signals near bedtime.
Maybe, just for a second I feel blessed and grateful for my family and friends to enter the new year.
2011.
I can't help but feel it's just another number, another date.

All the hopes we have, the resolutions we set, january sets off positive thoughts in the mind, giving invisible strength to the minds of people, making them believe they can accomplish whatever they wished.

If that is so, then what is reality?

//bidding farewell to an eventful year//

2010.
In 2009, I remembered I had happily set great expectations for the new year.
And I vaguely still remembered my resolutions.
So unlike me.

Anyway, 2010 had been really eventful compared to previous years.
And I would always remember the disappointment, the period of darkness.
Not only that, but also, the time when I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
The blessing in disguise.

Even though there are some things we wished wouldn't have happened.
Certain things that left an imprint on one's life. on the lives of many others.
Things we regretted.
Things that no one could have prevented.

Yet, to be able to enter another new year itself, is already a blessing.
Also, to be able to steer away from negative thoughts and stay optimistic is, indeed a sign of maturity.
So, why hold on to the unhappy past?

I will remember year 2010 as an eventful year, yes.
A year of painful lessons.
With a happy ending.

// super bad feeling //

It is a bad feeling when you are stuck in a question.
A question which had appeared in the tutorial.
A question which looked extremely familiar.
A question which you had attempted twice previously.
Except that it did not evoke the recall of the answer or steps on how to do it at the most crucial time.
None at all.
I always fell at the most crucial time.
I wonder why.

What makes it worse, is when people discuss their answers after the exam.
when you have none to talk about.
once again, I've fallen prey to the incorrigible bell curve.
everyone else please thank me for supporting all of you.
becuz i'm at the bottom.

two more to go,
i wish time pass faster so that i can get out of this.
and get temporal escape before reality sinks in.
very tempted to abandon the remaining two papers.
since hopes of pulling up the grade is already zero.
but i know, if i don't at least attempt to give what i can,
it will prick my conscience.

the most i can is to give a feeble attempt at maintaining the status quo.
which is getting harder by the year/semester.

// beating the exam blues //

Looking forward!=D

5 more days to 4 consecutive days of hell.

不是我喜欢熬夜，只是夜越深越人静，脑袋越清醒。

// a failure is a lesson to remember //

usually communication subjects are supposed to pull our gpa up.
not for me this sem.

no matter how many times people tell me it's only 2 aus.
telling me it's over and done with.
the scar is still there.
in my life.

yesterday was our prof comm presentation in the afternoon,
i have no idea why, but in the morning i was already feeling restless and out of sync.
i just didn't want to be there.
'performing in front of a crowd'
and pretending i was so well-versed in something i didn't.
my mind just couldn't recall the script i so gruellingly crafted.

i spent hours willing my mind to absorb what i need to say.
i tried to motivate myself, even almost to the point of threatening that my grade for this module would suffer if i did not put on a good presentation.
but nothing worked.

when i stood in front of the class, i wasn't really scared as i saw familiar faces.
after my introduction, the very first paragraph of my script, i saw the tutor , who was sitting right under my nose, looking up at me.
that instant my mind went blank.
totally.
i couldn't even recall a single word that came next.
then, i had to crept back to the table where my friend, the next speaker was, to peep at the script.
btw she was helping me to click my slides.
when i did so, i thought i heard some gasps from the audience.
maybe it was a figment of my imagination.
when i resumed, it was totally nerve-wrecking.
to the point that i FORGOT AGAIN.
and crept back for help.

i couldn't believe what i was doing.
i looked down at the floor, and looked at the tutor who was busy scribbling comments.
And I thought. Can i just say CUT and start over again?
i couldn't believe i was throwing my grades away.
And the next moment, i looked up at the audience.
but strange enough, i couldn't see their expressions even though i was looking at them.
except, maybe, for this guy i didn't know well, who was sitting directly in front of me, and just so happened to be at my eye level.
he gave me a very encouraging look, imperceptibly nodding his head.
i was very grateful.

but deep down inside, i was thinking, is this really happening?
it really felt dream-like, no, more like a nightmare.

pulling myself away from the thought of burying myself into the ground (and there was no way to),
i struggled on, speaking at bullet-train speed in order to beat the time limit.
Finally i finished on time.
And passed to the next speaker.
And because i was so out of sync, i also screwed up when i helped the next speaker to click her slides.
Argh.

the very first time i truly wanted to bury myself in the ground.
yet after the presentation, i had to continue to pretend nothing had happened and answer questions from fellow classmates during Q&A.

after the session, the speakers stayed back for feedback session from the tutor.
as expected, i had very poor feedback.
at least she didn't lambasted me.
but she did reprimand me for memorising my script word-for-word.
and she said something, which gave me a new perspective.
Public speaking is actually multi-tasking.
It's something i have never thought of.

After which, i had to go for the monthly fyp research group meeting, hence i didn't have time to lament to my classmates, who were going for dinner.
After the meeting, i had a call from them, they wanted to meet me at the mrt stn to take the mrt together.
Which was rather atypical of them.
I knew, they were concerned.
we chatted mindlessly about everything and anything except the blotched presentation.

when i closed my eyes, a few drops of water squeezed out.
i knew it wasn't because of the sadness i felt cuz at that point in time, the only feeling i had was still shock.
it was because my eyes were weary.
i was feeling tired, and my mind totally exhausted.
This week, these four days, i guess... i was overwhelmed with 2 tests and 2 fyp meetings with prof and this presentation.

Anyway, I have learnt to be wiser.
1. To get enough sleep.
Sleep consolidates memory. I had only around 5 hours of slumber the previous days and that probably explain why i wasn't in the right state of mind.
2. Not to over-memorise and over-rehearse.
Simple reason, fatigue takes away all the enthusiasm from a presentation.
3. Put cue words on the powerpoint slides.
It helps when you are stuck. It gives you some form of assurance before presentation.

//fell flat on the face//

i hate the feeling of zoning out at the most crucial moment.
all preparations have come to naught.

it's hard to be someone you are not.
it's hard to put on a pretence.
to put on a brave front when you are timid.
is the hardest thing to do.

2010 is seriously unbearable for me.
i have been putting up with these nonsense since Jan.
bad things happening one after another.
i have had enough.

exams in 8 days' time.
can't bring myself to study.
afterall, anything i do won't pull my gpa up anymore.
so why bother?
why do i still subject myself to such stress?
just feel like quitting school altogether..

//should i?! //

// life is about removing obstacles//

In life, the amount of obstacles can perhaps, be illustrated by an exponential curve.
For now, I think I'm somewhere near the part of the curve where the gradient is maximum.
Great, it means there's even more to come.
At least, I predict that initial steps into the working world would coincide with the point of steepest gradient.

Somehow, I feel students are still more fortunate than working adults, as we are still given the chance to make errors and most importantly be forgiven.
As we still have the right to request for things we need, which the school would provide us with.
As least, for my school, it works this way.
In future, I can't imagine how difficult life would be, with more exposure to the ugly side of human nature.

Recently, I met some obstacles, some of which I managed to resolve with immense patience. Imagine 50 tries (or it might be even more, I can't remember) for an online test, unitl the time I managed to get 85% correct for all the questions.
Even if I didn't manage to do it before the deadline, I know that I can always request for a longer deadline or seek help from peers.
I guess, the satisfaction of passing the test on my own is enticing.

For some other greater obstacles, well all I had to do was to ask around and fortunately I asked the 'correct' people who were kind enough to point me to the correct source, without any sign of impatience. I kept reminding myself not to take their kindness, even in the smallest way, for granted.

Another thing I felt I did right is dealing with some psych group mates.
It all began when we had to do a group presentation on a paper and my group consisted of 2 psych majors and 1 exchange student.
Well, thanks to the exchange student who apparently overslept, we were not able to proceed with the presentation on the day itself.
The prof kindly asked if we want to continue without her part or present the week after, without any penalisation.
Without even consulting my opinion, the 2 of them told him next week, in addition, becuz the exchange student will be going off for her trip around SouthEast Asia, we would need to re-divide our parts in order to cover her part.
Days passed and I did not hear from the 2 of them about how to redistribute our parts.
4 days before the presentati0n, I e-mailed both, suggesting a way to redistribute the parts, but did not get a reply.
Finally, on the night 2 days before the presentation, I smsed one of them.
And she said she had decided how to go about it and had told the other in the morning of that day.
I was the third speaker and the exchange student was supposed to be the last speaker, they had decided to push back the sequence such that one of the parts originally covered by me would be given to the second speaker while I would retain the other part plus, take on the part which was originally the exchange students'.
The reason why I had to cover her part: Both of them are busy with quizzes.
Imagine my horror!

Well, I know that being psych majors who have to present for almost every module, last minute, impromptu presentations are a small feat for them.
I was aghasted by the fact that they generalise their ability to engin students, or students like me.
Also they simply assumed that I'm more free than them.
Or that I'm a total pushover.

Anyway, I definitely couldn't take that lying down, and tried my best to explain objectively (it was really difficult, with mounting anger) to them.
The main point being that I wouldn't have minded to take on an extra part if they had told me earlier, as I wasn't a good speaker and needed time to prepare.
But since they 'assigned' it to me one and a half days before the presentation, I have no choice but to take it, regardless if I had a quiz on the very next day.
Luckily, my words appealed to their sympathy or perhaps fear that I wouldn't do a good job and drag the group down.
In the end, the one who selected this topic decided to cover the extra part instead.

Anyway, I'm still amazed by how some people can just push work to other people.
Since they did not insist on pushing it to me, I guess, they weren't really that bad.
I'm sure I have not seen the worse.

//bored//

Your Colors Say You Are Hopeful

When you are at peace, you are: Energized and innovative When you are moved to act, you are: Confident and optimistic When you are inspired, you are: Creative and productive When your life is perfectly balanced, you are: Totally in the moment Your life's purpose is: To find contentment

The Ultimate Color Test

Blogthings: We'll Tell You The Truth... Someone Has To!

Your Favorite Color Says You're Sympathetic

Balanced --- Relaxed --- Flexible Compassionate --- Philosophical --- Humble Loyal --- Inventive --- Unique

What Does Your Favorite Color Say About You?

Blogthings: Quizzes and Tests and Memes, Oh My!

Your Friendship Style is Independent

You love your friends, but you don't always need them as much as they need you. You like to do your own thing. Sometimes this means taking a break from your friends and carving your own path. As long as your friends give you the space you need, you are happy to be there for them whenever you can. Your friends lean on you for advice and problem solving. You tend to be "the rock." You and an Empathetic Friend: Go well together. Your Empathetic Friend understand and accepts you... but may be too needy sometimes. You and a Gregarious Friend: Get along well, as long as your Gregarious Friend is happy to only see you occasionally. You and another Independent Friend: Have a love / hate thing going on. When you agree, things are blissful. However, more often than not, you butt heads. You and a Philosophical Friend: Are somewhat a matter of opposites attract. You're both thinkers, but you think very differently.

What's Your Friendship Style?

Blogthings: Learn Something Surprising About Yourself

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are a creative person with a great imagination. You enjoy living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close to you. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What's Your Personality Type?

Blogthings: Cheaper Than a Therapist

// what is happiness //

some lecturers are just not worth going to.
my rate of writing is just much slower than the rate of words coming out of lecturer's mouth.
i mean, if the terms the lecturer used are familiar and relatively simple to process,
i wouldn't need to think twice about its spelling and what he/she is trying to convey.
some lecturers are good even if they speak fast, in the sense that they speak in a way that is writer-friendly.
by which i mean that u could write down exactly the words they say and be able to process them in your brain at the same time.
other lecturers, well, they beat around the bush and you sort of need a much longer time to understand what they say before you put them into ur own words.
Also, it depends on the level of difficulty and number of jargons in a particular module.
Some modules, well, they just make no sense to me.
esp those which you need to construct images in your mind in order to understand.
well i'm bad at that.
esp if it's about electrons jumping and such.
it's torturous.

anyway, i'm really curious about some people.
those who excel in more than one field.
or i should say, those who changed their paths in drastic manner, e.g from science to business, from military to entertainment.
do they have the same passion for both fields?
well maybe some really do, and that's great.
but i often notice that some actually followed the first path, even though they did not like it, as long as it can be a stepping stone to achieve a final objective they want.
In a simpler example, studying science in A levels even though they are not in the least bit interested but they manage to do well enough to get into the course they really like (business or communication studies or drama studies)
Maybe they are really smart.
But what I admire them (cuz I could never do it) is that they could tolerate those years of doing sth they do not like at all.
And what's more, they excel in it.
If it were me, i wouldn't be able to tolerate it.

Even worse, some people go into a field becuz of money.
Like all the rage about accounting and finance...
I don't understand how these people can do something well without passion for it,
but passion for something it can brings - monetary rewards.
yes, i do not deny money can bring immense happiness through material gains like things you can buy with money.
there is a cliched saying that the happiness money can bring is temporary, which i would beg to differ, afterall, with technology and fashion trends changing as fast as the weather, as long as one has a constant supply of money, one's happiness can be permanent, (provided, of course one is also healthy)
but superficial, because that kind of happiness is derived from feeling superior to others because of something you have externally.

hence, in my opinion, the difference between doing sth with or without passion is the extent of happiness it can bring.
Passion would bring about happiness at a deeper level.
The kind of happiness that invigorates the spirit.
The kind of happiness that you derive from feeling superior to others because you know you have much more passion than them in every single second of the day, be it during studying or working.
This happiness is what I crave, or unfortunately lack of.

Though i wouldn't say that i have zero interest in my course, but i'm already questioning, exactly how much passion do I have?
Half-heartedness begets regrets, i feel.
If you go into a field where you do not have interest in, then what's the point?
On the other hand, it is not easy to find something that you are totally passionate about.

// double 2 //

Very soon, I'll be crossing the double 2 mark.
Birthdays are really paradoxical;
on one hand, you always look forward to it.
on the other, it is dreaded becuz you are reminded to add one to your age.
Anyway, I guess I should be thankful for surviving the past year
and being able to celebrate another birthday this year.
After all, life's unpredictable, isn't it?

Anyway, the older one gets, the lesser one look forward to one's birthday probably holds true for me.
When I was young, I always suffered from insomnia on 1st nov, from being too excited about the next day.
In recent years, however, 1st nov had become a day when I wanted to sleep early but can't, all thanks to exams or assignment due the next day.
This year is no exception, I'm rushing out ppt slides for a presentation.

On another note, this year's celebration with my family made me felt sentimental, I don't know why... a sign of aging? haha.
Simply hearing the birthday song sung by my parents, sister and aunt made me felt that I'm still a child in my parents' eyes. Loved.
I wish...
Every year, my family can celebrate my birthday with me, everyone in good health.
Even though I don't meet up with some of my friends very often, I hope that they are happy wherever they are, in whatever they pursue.
Despite having poor episodic memory, I can still remember the experiences I had with them, including times of enjoyment (holidays) and suffering (exams).
World peace; even though there is not much I can do.

//the most intolerable e-lecture//

Never felt so hopeless while simply listening to an online lecture recording.
Nothing gets into the head.
Concepts too abstract to grasp.
Lecturer speaking at bullet train speed.
Mind's stuck, hand's not functioning.
To sum it all, nanomaterials is HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE!

// how does one fights inertia? //

This week, I've just had a lecture on motivated forgetting.
If I remember correctly, it is a phenomenon whereby you intentionally forget something.
For some people, it could be a traumatic experience which they can't recall...
yes, which means what you see on TV- victims forgetting their trauma in those crime serials are probably true.
For me, well it another type of motivated forgetting which is an everyday occurence.
It comes in the form of procrastination.
How?
Well, when I'm are stuck between choices, when I'm are faced with something unpleasant or not enjoyable, I have a tendency to put off those things until..
I'm forced to choose or when the deadline is near.
That, according to cognitive psych, is a form of motivated forgetting.
When I got to know of this, I couldn't believe my ears.
WH-AAT?
Becuz, it's so VERY often that I 'forgot' to do something.
For example, I could very well forget what my mum told me to do ten minutes later.
Or forget what assignment is to be done after being told about it the day before.
All the while, I thought I had short term memory.
Now, it turns out that I was subconsciously suppressing my retrieval of such information.
Psych just makes everything seems incredible...and complicated.
Anyway, my prof suggested that to overcome this, we should do those unpleasurable things
as early as possible, so that the pain will be over faster.
According to him, there's some research which have shown this.
This really explains why I'm always feeling overwhelmed by things to do.
Things which I can never get down to doing until the deadline is near.
I really hate the feeling of doing last min work, but I can't bring myself to do it earlier.
But I can't help it, I'm an idealist - always waiting for the most ideal answer.

I Never Find Perfection haunts me again!

No matter how many different personality tests I take, the result remains the same -
IDEALIST-seeking a unity of mind, body and spirit
Of course, every personality type have their good and bad.
It seems I've experience more of the cons of being an idealist, esp
"More prone to inner turmoil"
I guess this is really true.
I mean, when most people are in a dilemma, they probably get stuck for a few days, decide, stick to their guns and move on.
Most don't care two hoots, in a making a decision, one thing have to be sacrificed for another.
For me, I take a very long time to decide which to sacrifice and really regret after that.
Little things can haunt me for a long time.

Since it's the time of the year for Scorpio, I shall also share abit about my star sign.
Well, anyway it's claimed to be the most misunderstood of all signs.
Probably cuz Scorpion is poisonous?

Scorpio is the only star sign that has 3 animal totems.
First, the Scorpion itself, it represents vengeance and dangerous nature of Scorpio.
He is always thinking of hurting those around him by wielding his power.
Secondly, the Lizard, it represents the Scorpio who hides from life and never achieves its full mesure.
He is always in critical of himself, hence drowning in sorrow and having low self-esteem.
Thirdly, the Phoenix, it represents the Scorpio who rises out of ashes and rises high above surface circumstances.
He is able to transform the painful and poisonous possessive passions into a higher consciousness based on universal love.

And of course, I'm pretty sure I'm the Lizard.
A long long way to go to become a Phoenix.

//the ugly sight//

very often, i have to keep my eyes on the ground while walking.
at least, when i'm walking around my neighbourhood.
not because there are coins or 2-dollar notes left lying around.
it's because of those dark brown or black oblique shaped thingy.
in layman terms, dog shit. (and, of course even if there's a scientific term to it, i wouldn't know or want to know)

fortunately, i have not (yet) stuck my shoe into any of those puddles that's ever so common in my neighbourhood. esp in the void decks or pavement.
it's probably because the stench first invaded my breathing pathway as a warning.
this, i don't know if it's a good or bad thing.
a blessing in disguise? a smelly one indeed.

well, previously the situation wasn't that bad, cuz cleaners often came to mop the floor and clean up those mess.
many people always think a housing estate gets dirtier as it ages and my case bore a testament to that.
i've realised the cause is due to the diminishing number of cleaners.
when we first moved in, cleaners came almost everyday to sweep and mop the floor in the public corridors and void deck.
nowadays, the situation is far from it, i hardly ever see them anymore, once a month would be more probable.
however, it really wouldn't be fair to blame it on the cleaners.

in the first place, why are there dog shit and litter around?
I, for one, never littered.
In fact, I could safely say the same for the majority of my fellow HDB residents.
ever so often when I spot sweet wrappers, potato chip wrappers and cans around, my suspicions goes to two groups of people.
1. students who are studying in the schools nearby
2. construction workers who are building the flats nearby
although i've never seen with my eyes those perpetrators, but i'm quite certain about my guesses.
after all, they either don't live in this particular housing estate or don't care about the cleanliness of this housing estate.
thanks to them, i'm practically living in a rubbish dump.

what's even worse are those who bring their pet dogs for a walk.
well, i seriously doubt about the 'walking' part, but i am really pertubed by the 'shitting' part.
of course i'm not so inhumane as to complain about dogs answering the nature's call when they have to.
but those owners, most of them living in the private estate just a stone's throw aways from my HDB estate, i'm seriously wondering if they are bringing their canine for a walk or simply for a poo.
Even if it's for a poo, shouldn't they clean up their pets' mess afterward?
instead of relying on those practically non-existent cleaners.
and mind you, it isn't even their job to clean up your dog's poo.
HDB dwellers like us contributed to their wages.
even if you paid conservancy fees, that's for your area, your atas private estate.

each time a puddle disintegrates, another puddle forms freshly a few metres from it.
i've had enough.

// canteen food that lives up to its name //

food, no matter how unappetising it is, appeals to the very hungry.
well, it applies to the majority but not me.
or maybe it's because i'm fortunate enough never to have experienced such hunger torment yet.
at the risk of sounding like a disdainful, spoilt brat, canteen food is unbearable!
whew, i've let it out. Finally, at the end of week 6.

In week 1, the agonising transition from the all-time scrumptious hawker fare to the limited choice at the food court style canteen was perfectly normal, i suppose.
Even though I couldn't enjoy the gratifying wanton noodles or that luscious duck rice or mouthwatering yong tau foo (just to name a few) anymore, I was looking forward to the fare that saw me through at least 4 semesters before, like the teriyaki chicken, salmon pate, grilled chicken with curry, bak chor mee and ban mian. Or even that good-old vegetarian food.
With all the anticipation of revisiting a long lost friend, I was sorely disappointed when I ate those food again.

Quality had dropped rather drastically, although quantity was still maintained.
I used to like the Jap stall a lot, partly due to its efficiency, but perhaps efficiency also played a part in the decline in food consistency, especially during peak hours.
How can I even swallow the rice which is so clumpy and sticky that I can't even differentiate one grain from the next using my naked eye?
Maybe they should just serve rice balls next time.

Our canteen's bak chor mee has a newspaper clipping saying that it's a franchise from the famous hougang stall.
Maybe the only common thing is that they shared the same factory supplier for the fishballs, which still had the same smooth texture and sufficient bite.
By looking at the noodles which surprisingly, is still yellow in colour despite I ordered it with tomato sauce, you would have never guessed that the stall had won several culinary awards, which the cerificates were displayed prominently at the stall front.
And the most dreaded was observed again, clumpy noodles, obviously devoid of moisture and taste. I would have like them springy instead of so brittle that the strands broken even before i could put them inside my mouth.
Well, anyone who's reading this, I'm so sorry that I spoilt your appetite for lunch or dinner.
But i really have to rant.

On the bright side, at least the Indonesian stall and ban mian folks did their best to maintain the taste of the food.
In fact, the grilled chicken set from Indonesian food is something I'll eat every week without fail.
On the other days, I'll survive on Subway (which is expensive so I can't eat very often) or have very late lunches (before that, a heavy breakfast) at pitstops on my way home.
Two weeks ago, I decided to revisit the vegetarian stall, one of my friends always say that vegetarian food can't go wrong.
Well, she couldn't be more wrong.
I ordered a takeaway, and when I first opened the packet and took first few bites, I was instantly gratified.
This is real food, I thought.
However, I notice some pale yellow liquid against the white styrofoam container.
It was oil. I realised the whole egg was drenched in oil.
So were the kway teow, though the bee hoon looked perfectly ok.
Sigh sigh sigh.
Even if this was the only edible food in the whole canteen, I wouldn't eat it often.
Not at the risk of clogging my arteries.
All I wish for is just a handful of stalls serving edible, relatively healthy food which I can subsist on to replenish my energy loss in travelling to school.
Is it something too much to wish for?

Universities always advocate academia, making sure we have sufficiently qualified lecturers and professors.
Billions are also spent on building state of the art laboratories, advanced equipment and cutting edge technology.
What about the gastronomical well-being of students?
I don't think anyone actually bothers to put in much thought or funds into looking into it.
Studies have shown that some natural food are supplements to the brain, although some are not exactly proven.
Of course, ideally we should only take in healthy food and food that are claimed to boost brain power. After all, even if those claims are actually untrue, placebo effects might occur, we'll never know.
But I know, to achieve that is practically impossible.
On the flip side, it is really alarming to see how MacDonalds and Old Chang Kee have never-ending queues. It just goes to show how many students are depending on fast food to satiate their food cravings since the canteen didn't really do a good job.

Oh well, canteens are notoriously for poor tasting food, aren't they?
At least the one I frequent lives up to its name.

// lesson from a busker //

a piercing sound greeted me in the MRT underpass.
it was him again, plying his trade in the midst of the endless human traffic.
from the sound of his recorder, you could tell he was blowing very hard, so hard that i could hear very clearly, the creaking sounds made by air going through the gaps in the recorder.

so why was he blowing so hard, as though his life depended on it?

why do some people in another country fight for the release of their political leader?
why are these people fighting for a lost cause?
why do some children learn to read and write when such skills are probably useless in their country?
why are they putting in futile efforts?

what are they fighting for, why do they bother to struggle at all?
where do their passion and conviction originate from?

they believe that once they give their all, success would follow.
i've always admired people who give their 100% in everything they do.
because i cannot.

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finally!
but it was simply customary.
i shouldn't read too much into it.
afterall there are much more impt things for me to think about.