// hidden mask //



Sometimes, I feel I'm wearing a hidden mask.

I don't know how people see me.

But I always hope to appear cheerful and easygoing.

Cuz I don't wish to burden anyone else with my troubles and insecurities.



Being a human, of course, there must be an outlet for this release of frustrations.

That's when this blog come in handy.

However, there are still certain things I won't publish.

Everyone has, secrets of their own.

Please don't reveal them.

Cuz that's what makes us unique.







i didn't dare to close my eyes.

cuz i'm afraid that once I close them,

the tears i struggled to prevent it from falling

will be shed

i don't want to cry.

cuz i have no idea what i'm crying for.

// a pricey cny //


CNY - It comes with pleasant things like getting hong baos,
eating new year goodies, and wearing new clothes.

At the same time, CNY, somehow also causes undue stress to people,
due to the need to do spring cleaning, whip up a sumptuous reunion dinner,
decorate the house, entertain guests.

Furthermore, it's a time for people to meet up with their relatives,
whether familiar or rarely met ones.
Perhaps for people with social phobia (like me), it's a form of stress.

In this year of economic downturn, I guess the stress adds on.
From my understanding, Chinese people are a bunch who really cares
about their pride.
That's why CNY is a time for some to flaunt their wealth by wearing
expensive gold and diamond jewellery.

It's also a time to show people the size of your house,
the excellent results of your children,
the amount of your year end bonus,
the luxurious car you possess,
and the lavish food you feast on.

Families affected by the economic crisis will have to worry about what to
say when they meet their relatives and friends.

But I do not deny that CNY is definitely something
to look forward to every year.

A festive season -yes
but it comes with a price.

// what time is it? //

I just came back from my religion's coming-of-age ceremony for 21 year-olds.
One piece of guidance struck me the most.

" If your life is represented by one day, meaning that 12 midnight
represents the time you are born and 12 noon is equal to forty
years of age, then, 21 year old means that the time is 6:15am.
It is the time, early in the morning when people just woke up.
A day just started."

Somehow, this makes me feel happy going on to 21 (even though there's still like 10 mths to my real 21st)

At same time, I am afraid that I will lose the ability to appreciate the little things in life
as I grow older.
Losing the sight of the beauty of life.
It's a terrible thing.

You'll think the whole world is against you and why your life is so hard.
You'll think you have given enough but not receiving the same.
You'll grumble about every single bad thing that happens to you,
no matter how minor.

While others saw a glass of half-filled water, you saw a half-emptied one.
When others saw clear blue skies, you said the sky is so bare.
Where others saw beauty, you saw nothing but ugliness.

You forgot how to give way to people, to tolerate others.
Just because you have more life experiences,
you are always right.
Sometimes, I feel older people like my mum falls prey to this kind of thinking.

I also went to IMH today.

At first, I was rather afraid of the patients there.
Before we stepped into the women's ward, when the nurse was explaining certain things to us,
I could see some of their faces through the transparent door.
A few were poking noses at the door, their hands in a "let me out!" position.
Hence they look quite intimidating.
However, after we entered the ward, I felt much better as many of them
were rather friendly and extended their hands to wish us Happy New Year.
One women was shouting "Party" because they were supposed to have a party tml.
Perhaps she thought the party came earlier.
Anyway, some were watching TV while the others sat around.
I did not really know how to communicate with them
But I was glad that there was totally no sense of dread, unhappiness or despair
in the room.
All of them were engaged in some activity or another hence the room was buzzing with noise.

But, how different are they from prison immates?
Of course they have nurses and psychiatrist to take care of their health.
Volunteers to shower them with care and concern.
But, they are part of the forgotten.
Forgotten by society.
Forgotten by their family and relatives.
Their perception of the world is only as big as IMH.
Even sadder, some might just commit suicide after hearing voices in their heads.
I wish I can do something for them, no matter how small.

We are really fortunate.

// thermodynamics //

the theory:

total entropy of the system and surrounding always increase.

how my prof explained it:

Let's say your room is initially very neat, everything is in order.
As days passed, it becomes messier, resulting in a disordered state.
This does not require any energy.
However, to make your room neat again, energy is required.
Anyway, as your room becomes messier and messier and messier, day by day.
One day, you cannot even tell the difference of the state of your room as compared
to yesterday.
Equilibrium state is reached.

All this while, I was imagining the state of my room.
lol.
imagine! you can't even tell how messy is your room
and that is called equilibrium state!

// singlish talking to english //

recently I noticed quite a number of angmohs in school.
I guessed they are exchange students from other countries.
So today, as I was in the queue for the veg stall,
the girl in front of me turned around and that was when I realised
she is one of those caucasians.
"Do you know what is the weekly special, 'Kway Chap'?" she said,
pointing to the menu signboard.
erm the way she prounced chap...well.. as in "What a nice chap!".
lol.
apparently she was taller than me, so I had to strain my neck to see
what it was.
"Oh! 'Kway Zaap'! That is pig's organs, like intestines.."
I thought I saw her turn a tad paler.
"But it's fake right?"
"Ya!"
"Is it made of tofu..and stuff?"
"Ya...I think it's made of tofu and...er what is that.. flour!"
"Thanks."
Haha. In the end, she didn't try that.
I think she opted for something more common.

// I don't want to be inFLUenced //

a random day, what can i say?

the flu-struck me initially decided to skip school.
but to do make up for lab would be too troublesome.
besides, my psych tutorial will be dividing into project groups.
hence it's a bad day to miss school.

anyway.
met a would-be intellectual tai-tai with her epiphanies.
quote: Not believing is a belief, It's a belief not believing.
lol.
interesting.

well, my psych group mates of course, expectantly, knew each other.
felt a bit out-casted cuz the everyone present is a psych major (either yr 2 or 3)
after careful evaluation, I had appealed for this mod cuz it:
1. Fits well in my timetable.
2. Seems interesting compared to the rest.
(its about job analysis and personnel assesment..HR stuff)
would it be stupid to drop this mod?
I dunno.
other than the fact that my goup members and I seem not be able to get along,
I am rather worried about how the exam format is like.
almost certainly, psych majors taking this mod have an advantage over the minority like me, who plans to take a minor.

in fact, I was too engrossed in making a decision that I actually
forgot to visit the clinic at ntu after class.


decision to be made by : 18th jan

// a reason to cheer! //

my sis got an A1 for chinese o level.
which means she can continue to take higher chinese.

my appeal for a psych module is successful!

//muttering to myself//

seems hard to get psych subjects.
that doesn't clash with my core.
haiz. dropped HP329.
hopes of getting HP314B is really really low.
anyway i wouldn't want to get caught in doing a boring psych module about asian psych..
all those mini projects and reports will definitely get me down.
no way.
wait for next sem?

// reverberating promises //

Perhaps it's the start of the year, that's why the words of my resolutions kept spinning in my mind.
I'm reminded of them every now and then.

Anyway, had a good badminton session today.
At least I still remembered how to serve and return the shuttlecock nicely.
Reminiscing about secondary school days makes me feel old.
Although I only shared half their memories.
It still feels I'm part of it.
Even though I may not play an important role in their lives.
I can still feel their longing for those good old days.

Sometimes, I wonder.
Of my friends.
Of my acquaintances.
Of the people whom I met once or twice.
Has my presence ever impact on their lives?
Or should I put it this way.
Have I ever made a positive impact on the lives of other people?

Afterall, most of the times, I have only appear in their lives once or twice.
At the most, a few years.
Even with those I have known for a number of years,
it doesn't matter if I am present.
Easily replaced.

Sad to say.
Causing zero impact makes me feels like not living for the past twenty years.
What have I been doing?
Except for worrying and taking care of myself.
And polishing off the world's resources.
The times to be self-centred has passed.
It's time to shower concern on other people.

Make an impact.
Initiate a change.

Meanwhile, I'm will also try to make positive changes to my GPA.

// have faith, be resolute //

What makes people:

Excited for the last hour.
Cheer till the last minute.
Count down to the last second.
So you've guessed it!
Happy 2009!

To welcome the new year,
perhaps it's best to set personal resolutions.
For those of you who do set resolutions,
why did you choose to do so?

For me, at least, it is to welcome the new year with refreshed hopes and courage.
Resolutions are a way for me to challenge myself and to prove to myself that I have not spent the year in vain.
So what if I might try to carry them out for the first few months of the year and cleanly forgotten about them in the months that follow?
At least I had tried and also welcomed the new year in high spirits.
That's what matters to me, ultimately.

Over the previous years, I had set many resolutions which I have failed or at most fulfilled 50% of them.
And I think I have learnt an important lesson from it.
Resolutions which I have failed in carrying out are usually those which are beyond me.
What I mean, resolutions should be set to improve oneself, and not changing oneself.
I have always been a supporter of being true to oneself (looks familiar? =D)
and will keep doing so.
What sets each and every one of us apart really interests me.

The timid and the bold.
The saint and the criminal.
The rebellious and the obedient.
The stubborn and the submissive.
The extroverted and the introverted.
The healthy and the physically disabled.
The attention-seeking and the quiet.
The trendsetter and the follower.
The arrogant and the humble.
The normal and the weird.

As we label people accordingly, or should I simply say stereotype people,
perhaps we should be mindful that majority of the people falls within the range in-between.
For instance, one can appear timid under certain circumstances and appear courageous in other situations.
Whatever the case, I feel it is rather impossible to change a person's character thoroughly and there is no point in doing so unless he/she is causing harm to others in the society.
Therefore, I have learnt that we should seek to improve, and not change our original self.

Oh ya, I shall not sidetrack and proceed with writing my resolutions.
i
1. To be able to have the good fortune of attending the Tozan Pilgrimage to Head Temple in Japan by being able to overcome any obstacles that might arise.
2. Continued faith and increase buddhist knowledge.
3. To be able to be more tolerant and considerate towards my family.
4. To deepen my friendships. (by not pangseh-ing people, for a start =X)
5. Continue to strive for better results, despite whatever disappointments there might be.
6. To set aside time for exercise and fight off temptations of junk food.
7. To commit in volunteering at IMH.
8. To help my tutees achieve their fullest potential. ( Scold if need arise, give credit when its due)
9. Allocate time to pursue my interests in psychology, music and japanese language.

Last but not least, I hope everyone around me can enjoy good health and happiness for the rest of the year!

If I were to be able to fulfil each and every single of my resolutions, I could be place right at the top of Maslow's heirachy.
But nah, I know that's impossible.
But hopes are enough to keep people alive. =)