//bidding farewell to an eventful year//

2010.
In 2009, I remembered I had happily set great expectations for the new year.
And I vaguely still remembered my resolutions.
So unlike me.

Anyway, 2010 had been really eventful compared to previous years.
And I would always remember the disappointment, the period of darkness.
Not only that, but also, the time when I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
The blessing in disguise.

Even though there are some things we wished wouldn't have happened.
Certain things that left an imprint on one's life. on the lives of many others.
Things we regretted.
Things that no one could have prevented.

Yet, to be able to enter another new year itself, is already a blessing.
Also, to be able to steer away from negative thoughts and stay optimistic is, indeed a sign of maturity.
So, why hold on to the unhappy past?

I will remember year 2010 as an eventful year, yes.
A year of painful lessons.
With a happy ending.

// super bad feeling //

It is a bad feeling when you are stuck in a question.
A question which had appeared in the tutorial.
A question which looked extremely familiar.
A question which you had attempted twice previously.
Except that it did not evoke the recall of the answer or steps on how to do it at the most crucial time.
None at all.
I always fell at the most crucial time.
I wonder why.

What makes it worse, is when people discuss their answers after the exam.
when you have none to talk about.
once again, I've fallen prey to the incorrigible bell curve.
everyone else please thank me for supporting all of you.
becuz i'm at the bottom.

two more to go,
i wish time pass faster so that i can get out of this.
and get temporal escape before reality sinks in.
very tempted to abandon the remaining two papers.
since hopes of pulling up the grade is already zero.
but i know, if i don't at least attempt to give what i can,
it will prick my conscience.

the most i can is to give a feeble attempt at maintaining the status quo.
which is getting harder by the year/semester.

// beating the exam blues //

Looking forward!=D

5 more days to 4 consecutive days of hell.

不是我喜欢熬夜，只是夜越深越人静，脑袋越清醒。

// a failure is a lesson to remember //

usually communication subjects are supposed to pull our gpa up.
not for me this sem.

no matter how many times people tell me it's only 2 aus.
telling me it's over and done with.
the scar is still there.
in my life.

yesterday was our prof comm presentation in the afternoon,
i have no idea why, but in the morning i was already feeling restless and out of sync.
i just didn't want to be there.
'performing in front of a crowd'
and pretending i was so well-versed in something i didn't.
my mind just couldn't recall the script i so gruellingly crafted.

i spent hours willing my mind to absorb what i need to say.
i tried to motivate myself, even almost to the point of threatening that my grade for this module would suffer if i did not put on a good presentation.
but nothing worked.

when i stood in front of the class, i wasn't really scared as i saw familiar faces.
after my introduction, the very first paragraph of my script, i saw the tutor , who was sitting right under my nose, looking up at me.
that instant my mind went blank.
totally.
i couldn't even recall a single word that came next.
then, i had to crept back to the table where my friend, the next speaker was, to peep at the script.
btw she was helping me to click my slides.
when i did so, i thought i heard some gasps from the audience.
maybe it was a figment of my imagination.
when i resumed, it was totally nerve-wrecking.
to the point that i FORGOT AGAIN.
and crept back for help.

i couldn't believe what i was doing.
i looked down at the floor, and looked at the tutor who was busy scribbling comments.
And I thought. Can i just say CUT and start over again?
i couldn't believe i was throwing my grades away.
And the next moment, i looked up at the audience.
but strange enough, i couldn't see their expressions even though i was looking at them.
except, maybe, for this guy i didn't know well, who was sitting directly in front of me, and just so happened to be at my eye level.
he gave me a very encouraging look, imperceptibly nodding his head.
i was very grateful.

but deep down inside, i was thinking, is this really happening?
it really felt dream-like, no, more like a nightmare.

pulling myself away from the thought of burying myself into the ground (and there was no way to),
i struggled on, speaking at bullet-train speed in order to beat the time limit.
Finally i finished on time.
And passed to the next speaker.
And because i was so out of sync, i also screwed up when i helped the next speaker to click her slides.
Argh.

the very first time i truly wanted to bury myself in the ground.
yet after the presentation, i had to continue to pretend nothing had happened and answer questions from fellow classmates during Q&A.

after the session, the speakers stayed back for feedback session from the tutor.
as expected, i had very poor feedback.
at least she didn't lambasted me.
but she did reprimand me for memorising my script word-for-word.
and she said something, which gave me a new perspective.
Public speaking is actually multi-tasking.
It's something i have never thought of.

After which, i had to go for the monthly fyp research group meeting, hence i didn't have time to lament to my classmates, who were going for dinner.
After the meeting, i had a call from them, they wanted to meet me at the mrt stn to take the mrt together.
Which was rather atypical of them.
I knew, they were concerned.
we chatted mindlessly about everything and anything except the blotched presentation.

when i closed my eyes, a few drops of water squeezed out.
i knew it wasn't because of the sadness i felt cuz at that point in time, the only feeling i had was still shock.
it was because my eyes were weary.
i was feeling tired, and my mind totally exhausted.
This week, these four days, i guess... i was overwhelmed with 2 tests and 2 fyp meetings with prof and this presentation.

Anyway, I have learnt to be wiser.
1. To get enough sleep.
Sleep consolidates memory. I had only around 5 hours of slumber the previous days and that probably explain why i wasn't in the right state of mind.
2. Not to over-memorise and over-rehearse.
Simple reason, fatigue takes away all the enthusiasm from a presentation.
3. Put cue words on the powerpoint slides.
It helps when you are stuck. It gives you some form of assurance before presentation.

//fell flat on the face//

i hate the feeling of zoning out at the most crucial moment.
all preparations have come to naught.

it's hard to be someone you are not.
it's hard to put on a pretence.
to put on a brave front when you are timid.
is the hardest thing to do.

2010 is seriously unbearable for me.
i have been putting up with these nonsense since Jan.
bad things happening one after another.
i have had enough.

exams in 8 days' time.
can't bring myself to study.
afterall, anything i do won't pull my gpa up anymore.
so why bother?
why do i still subject myself to such stress?
just feel like quitting school altogether..

//should i?! //

// life is about removing obstacles//

In life, the amount of obstacles can perhaps, be illustrated by an exponential curve.
For now, I think I'm somewhere near the part of the curve where the gradient is maximum.
Great, it means there's even more to come.
At least, I predict that initial steps into the working world would coincide with the point of steepest gradient.

Somehow, I feel students are still more fortunate than working adults, as we are still given the chance to make errors and most importantly be forgiven.
As we still have the right to request for things we need, which the school would provide us with.
As least, for my school, it works this way.
In future, I can't imagine how difficult life would be, with more exposure to the ugly side of human nature.

Recently, I met some obstacles, some of which I managed to resolve with immense patience. Imagine 50 tries (or it might be even more, I can't remember) for an online test, unitl the time I managed to get 85% correct for all the questions.
Even if I didn't manage to do it before the deadline, I know that I can always request for a longer deadline or seek help from peers.
I guess, the satisfaction of passing the test on my own is enticing.

For some other greater obstacles, well all I had to do was to ask around and fortunately I asked the 'correct' people who were kind enough to point me to the correct source, without any sign of impatience. I kept reminding myself not to take their kindness, even in the smallest way, for granted.

Another thing I felt I did right is dealing with some psych group mates.
It all began when we had to do a group presentation on a paper and my group consisted of 2 psych majors and 1 exchange student.
Well, thanks to the exchange student who apparently overslept, we were not able to proceed with the presentation on the day itself.
The prof kindly asked if we want to continue without her part or present the week after, without any penalisation.
Without even consulting my opinion, the 2 of them told him next week, in addition, becuz the exchange student will be going off for her trip around SouthEast Asia, we would need to re-divide our parts in order to cover her part.
Days passed and I did not hear from the 2 of them about how to redistribute our parts.
4 days before the presentati0n, I e-mailed both, suggesting a way to redistribute the parts, but did not get a reply.
Finally, on the night 2 days before the presentation, I smsed one of them.
And she said she had decided how to go about it and had told the other in the morning of that day.
I was the third speaker and the exchange student was supposed to be the last speaker, they had decided to push back the sequence such that one of the parts originally covered by me would be given to the second speaker while I would retain the other part plus, take on the part which was originally the exchange students'.
The reason why I had to cover her part: Both of them are busy with quizzes.
Imagine my horror!

Well, I know that being psych majors who have to present for almost every module, last minute, impromptu presentations are a small feat for them.
I was aghasted by the fact that they generalise their ability to engin students, or students like me.
Also they simply assumed that I'm more free than them.
Or that I'm a total pushover.

Anyway, I definitely couldn't take that lying down, and tried my best to explain objectively (it was really difficult, with mounting anger) to them.
The main point being that I wouldn't have minded to take on an extra part if they had told me earlier, as I wasn't a good speaker and needed time to prepare.
But since they 'assigned' it to me one and a half days before the presentation, I have no choice but to take it, regardless if I had a quiz on the very next day.
Luckily, my words appealed to their sympathy or perhaps fear that I wouldn't do a good job and drag the group down.
In the end, the one who selected this topic decided to cover the extra part instead.

Anyway, I'm still amazed by how some people can just push work to other people.
Since they did not insist on pushing it to me, I guess, they weren't really that bad.
I'm sure I have not seen the worse.

//bored//

Your Colors Say You Are Hopeful

When you are at peace, you are: Energized and innovative When you are moved to act, you are: Confident and optimistic When you are inspired, you are: Creative and productive When your life is perfectly balanced, you are: Totally in the moment Your life's purpose is: To find contentment

The Ultimate Color Test

Blogthings: We'll Tell You The Truth... Someone Has To!

Your Favorite Color Says You're Sympathetic

Balanced --- Relaxed --- Flexible Compassionate --- Philosophical --- Humble Loyal --- Inventive --- Unique

What Does Your Favorite Color Say About You?

Blogthings: Quizzes and Tests and Memes, Oh My!

Your Friendship Style is Independent

You love your friends, but you don't always need them as much as they need you. You like to do your own thing. Sometimes this means taking a break from your friends and carving your own path. As long as your friends give you the space you need, you are happy to be there for them whenever you can. Your friends lean on you for advice and problem solving. You tend to be "the rock." You and an Empathetic Friend: Go well together. Your Empathetic Friend understand and accepts you... but may be too needy sometimes. You and a Gregarious Friend: Get along well, as long as your Gregarious Friend is happy to only see you occasionally. You and another Independent Friend: Have a love / hate thing going on. When you agree, things are blissful. However, more often than not, you butt heads. You and a Philosophical Friend: Are somewhat a matter of opposites attract. You're both thinkers, but you think very differently.

What's Your Friendship Style?

Blogthings: Learn Something Surprising About Yourself

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are a creative person with a great imagination. You enjoy living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close to you. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What's Your Personality Type?

Blogthings: Cheaper Than a Therapist

// what is happiness //

some lecturers are just not worth going to.
my rate of writing is just much slower than the rate of words coming out of lecturer's mouth.
i mean, if the terms the lecturer used are familiar and relatively simple to process,
i wouldn't need to think twice about its spelling and what he/she is trying to convey.
some lecturers are good even if they speak fast, in the sense that they speak in a way that is writer-friendly.
by which i mean that u could write down exactly the words they say and be able to process them in your brain at the same time.
other lecturers, well, they beat around the bush and you sort of need a much longer time to understand what they say before you put them into ur own words.
Also, it depends on the level of difficulty and number of jargons in a particular module.
Some modules, well, they just make no sense to me.
esp those which you need to construct images in your mind in order to understand.
well i'm bad at that.
esp if it's about electrons jumping and such.
it's torturous.

anyway, i'm really curious about some people.
those who excel in more than one field.
or i should say, those who changed their paths in drastic manner, e.g from science to business, from military to entertainment.
do they have the same passion for both fields?
well maybe some really do, and that's great.
but i often notice that some actually followed the first path, even though they did not like it, as long as it can be a stepping stone to achieve a final objective they want.
In a simpler example, studying science in A levels even though they are not in the least bit interested but they manage to do well enough to get into the course they really like (business or communication studies or drama studies)
Maybe they are really smart.
But what I admire them (cuz I could never do it) is that they could tolerate those years of doing sth they do not like at all.
And what's more, they excel in it.
If it were me, i wouldn't be able to tolerate it.

Even worse, some people go into a field becuz of money.
Like all the rage about accounting and finance...
I don't understand how these people can do something well without passion for it,
but passion for something it can brings - monetary rewards.
yes, i do not deny money can bring immense happiness through material gains like things you can buy with money.
there is a cliched saying that the happiness money can bring is temporary, which i would beg to differ, afterall, with technology and fashion trends changing as fast as the weather, as long as one has a constant supply of money, one's happiness can be permanent, (provided, of course one is also healthy)
but superficial, because that kind of happiness is derived from feeling superior to others because of something you have externally.

hence, in my opinion, the difference between doing sth with or without passion is the extent of happiness it can bring.
Passion would bring about happiness at a deeper level.
The kind of happiness that invigorates the spirit.
The kind of happiness that you derive from feeling superior to others because you know you have much more passion than them in every single second of the day, be it during studying or working.
This happiness is what I crave, or unfortunately lack of.

Though i wouldn't say that i have zero interest in my course, but i'm already questioning, exactly how much passion do I have?
Half-heartedness begets regrets, i feel.
If you go into a field where you do not have interest in, then what's the point?
On the other hand, it is not easy to find something that you are totally passionate about.

// double 2 //

Very soon, I'll be crossing the double 2 mark.
Birthdays are really paradoxical;
on one hand, you always look forward to it.
on the other, it is dreaded becuz you are reminded to add one to your age.
Anyway, I guess I should be thankful for surviving the past year
and being able to celebrate another birthday this year.
After all, life's unpredictable, isn't it?

Anyway, the older one gets, the lesser one look forward to one's birthday probably holds true for me.
When I was young, I always suffered from insomnia on 1st nov, from being too excited about the next day.
In recent years, however, 1st nov had become a day when I wanted to sleep early but can't, all thanks to exams or assignment due the next day.
This year is no exception, I'm rushing out ppt slides for a presentation.

On another note, this year's celebration with my family made me felt sentimental, I don't know why... a sign of aging? haha.
Simply hearing the birthday song sung by my parents, sister and aunt made me felt that I'm still a child in my parents' eyes. Loved.
I wish...
Every year, my family can celebrate my birthday with me, everyone in good health.
Even though I don't meet up with some of my friends very often, I hope that they are happy wherever they are, in whatever they pursue.
Despite having poor episodic memory, I can still remember the experiences I had with them, including times of enjoyment (holidays) and suffering (exams).
World peace; even though there is not much I can do.

//the most intolerable e-lecture//

Never felt so hopeless while simply listening to an online lecture recording.
Nothing gets into the head.
Concepts too abstract to grasp.
Lecturer speaking at bullet train speed.
Mind's stuck, hand's not functioning.
To sum it all, nanomaterials is HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE!

// how does one fights inertia? //

This week, I've just had a lecture on motivated forgetting.
If I remember correctly, it is a phenomenon whereby you intentionally forget something.
For some people, it could be a traumatic experience which they can't recall...
yes, which means what you see on TV- victims forgetting their trauma in those crime serials are probably true.
For me, well it another type of motivated forgetting which is an everyday occurence.
It comes in the form of procrastination.
How?
Well, when I'm are stuck between choices, when I'm are faced with something unpleasant or not enjoyable, I have a tendency to put off those things until..
I'm forced to choose or when the deadline is near.
That, according to cognitive psych, is a form of motivated forgetting.
When I got to know of this, I couldn't believe my ears.
WH-AAT?
Becuz, it's so VERY often that I 'forgot' to do something.
For example, I could very well forget what my mum told me to do ten minutes later.
Or forget what assignment is to be done after being told about it the day before.
All the while, I thought I had short term memory.
Now, it turns out that I was subconsciously suppressing my retrieval of such information.
Psych just makes everything seems incredible...and complicated.
Anyway, my prof suggested that to overcome this, we should do those unpleasurable things
as early as possible, so that the pain will be over faster.
According to him, there's some research which have shown this.
This really explains why I'm always feeling overwhelmed by things to do.
Things which I can never get down to doing until the deadline is near.
I really hate the feeling of doing last min work, but I can't bring myself to do it earlier.
But I can't help it, I'm an idealist - always waiting for the most ideal answer.

I Never Find Perfection haunts me again!

No matter how many different personality tests I take, the result remains the same -
IDEALIST-seeking a unity of mind, body and spirit
Of course, every personality type have their good and bad.
It seems I've experience more of the cons of being an idealist, esp
"More prone to inner turmoil"
I guess this is really true.
I mean, when most people are in a dilemma, they probably get stuck for a few days, decide, stick to their guns and move on.
Most don't care two hoots, in a making a decision, one thing have to be sacrificed for another.
For me, I take a very long time to decide which to sacrifice and really regret after that.
Little things can haunt me for a long time.

Since it's the time of the year for Scorpio, I shall also share abit about my star sign.
Well, anyway it's claimed to be the most misunderstood of all signs.
Probably cuz Scorpion is poisonous?

Scorpio is the only star sign that has 3 animal totems.
First, the Scorpion itself, it represents vengeance and dangerous nature of Scorpio.
He is always thinking of hurting those around him by wielding his power.
Secondly, the Lizard, it represents the Scorpio who hides from life and never achieves its full mesure.
He is always in critical of himself, hence drowning in sorrow and having low self-esteem.
Thirdly, the Phoenix, it represents the Scorpio who rises out of ashes and rises high above surface circumstances.
He is able to transform the painful and poisonous possessive passions into a higher consciousness based on universal love.

And of course, I'm pretty sure I'm the Lizard.
A long long way to go to become a Phoenix.

//the ugly sight//

very often, i have to keep my eyes on the ground while walking.
at least, when i'm walking around my neighbourhood.
not because there are coins or 2-dollar notes left lying around.
it's because of those dark brown or black oblique shaped thingy.
in layman terms, dog shit. (and, of course even if there's a scientific term to it, i wouldn't know or want to know)

fortunately, i have not (yet) stuck my shoe into any of those puddles that's ever so common in my neighbourhood. esp in the void decks or pavement.
it's probably because the stench first invaded my breathing pathway as a warning.
this, i don't know if it's a good or bad thing.
a blessing in disguise? a smelly one indeed.

well, previously the situation wasn't that bad, cuz cleaners often came to mop the floor and clean up those mess.
many people always think a housing estate gets dirtier as it ages and my case bore a testament to that.
i've realised the cause is due to the diminishing number of cleaners.
when we first moved in, cleaners came almost everyday to sweep and mop the floor in the public corridors and void deck.
nowadays, the situation is far from it, i hardly ever see them anymore, once a month would be more probable.
however, it really wouldn't be fair to blame it on the cleaners.

in the first place, why are there dog shit and litter around?
I, for one, never littered.
In fact, I could safely say the same for the majority of my fellow HDB residents.
ever so often when I spot sweet wrappers, potato chip wrappers and cans around, my suspicions goes to two groups of people.
1. students who are studying in the schools nearby
2. construction workers who are building the flats nearby
although i've never seen with my eyes those perpetrators, but i'm quite certain about my guesses.
after all, they either don't live in this particular housing estate or don't care about the cleanliness of this housing estate.
thanks to them, i'm practically living in a rubbish dump.

what's even worse are those who bring their pet dogs for a walk.
well, i seriously doubt about the 'walking' part, but i am really pertubed by the 'shitting' part.
of course i'm not so inhumane as to complain about dogs answering the nature's call when they have to.
but those owners, most of them living in the private estate just a stone's throw aways from my HDB estate, i'm seriously wondering if they are bringing their canine for a walk or simply for a poo.
Even if it's for a poo, shouldn't they clean up their pets' mess afterward?
instead of relying on those practically non-existent cleaners.
and mind you, it isn't even their job to clean up your dog's poo.
HDB dwellers like us contributed to their wages.
even if you paid conservancy fees, that's for your area, your atas private estate.

each time a puddle disintegrates, another puddle forms freshly a few metres from it.
i've had enough.

// canteen food that lives up to its name //

food, no matter how unappetising it is, appeals to the very hungry.
well, it applies to the majority but not me.
or maybe it's because i'm fortunate enough never to have experienced such hunger torment yet.
at the risk of sounding like a disdainful, spoilt brat, canteen food is unbearable!
whew, i've let it out. Finally, at the end of week 6.

In week 1, the agonising transition from the all-time scrumptious hawker fare to the limited choice at the food court style canteen was perfectly normal, i suppose.
Even though I couldn't enjoy the gratifying wanton noodles or that luscious duck rice or mouthwatering yong tau foo (just to name a few) anymore, I was looking forward to the fare that saw me through at least 4 semesters before, like the teriyaki chicken, salmon pate, grilled chicken with curry, bak chor mee and ban mian. Or even that good-old vegetarian food.
With all the anticipation of revisiting a long lost friend, I was sorely disappointed when I ate those food again.

Quality had dropped rather drastically, although quantity was still maintained.
I used to like the Jap stall a lot, partly due to its efficiency, but perhaps efficiency also played a part in the decline in food consistency, especially during peak hours.
How can I even swallow the rice which is so clumpy and sticky that I can't even differentiate one grain from the next using my naked eye?
Maybe they should just serve rice balls next time.

Our canteen's bak chor mee has a newspaper clipping saying that it's a franchise from the famous hougang stall.
Maybe the only common thing is that they shared the same factory supplier for the fishballs, which still had the same smooth texture and sufficient bite.
By looking at the noodles which surprisingly, is still yellow in colour despite I ordered it with tomato sauce, you would have never guessed that the stall had won several culinary awards, which the cerificates were displayed prominently at the stall front.
And the most dreaded was observed again, clumpy noodles, obviously devoid of moisture and taste. I would have like them springy instead of so brittle that the strands broken even before i could put them inside my mouth.
Well, anyone who's reading this, I'm so sorry that I spoilt your appetite for lunch or dinner.
But i really have to rant.

On the bright side, at least the Indonesian stall and ban mian folks did their best to maintain the taste of the food.
In fact, the grilled chicken set from Indonesian food is something I'll eat every week without fail.
On the other days, I'll survive on Subway (which is expensive so I can't eat very often) or have very late lunches (before that, a heavy breakfast) at pitstops on my way home.
Two weeks ago, I decided to revisit the vegetarian stall, one of my friends always say that vegetarian food can't go wrong.
Well, she couldn't be more wrong.
I ordered a takeaway, and when I first opened the packet and took first few bites, I was instantly gratified.
This is real food, I thought.
However, I notice some pale yellow liquid against the white styrofoam container.
It was oil. I realised the whole egg was drenched in oil.
So were the kway teow, though the bee hoon looked perfectly ok.
Sigh sigh sigh.
Even if this was the only edible food in the whole canteen, I wouldn't eat it often.
Not at the risk of clogging my arteries.
All I wish for is just a handful of stalls serving edible, relatively healthy food which I can subsist on to replenish my energy loss in travelling to school.
Is it something too much to wish for?

Universities always advocate academia, making sure we have sufficiently qualified lecturers and professors.
Billions are also spent on building state of the art laboratories, advanced equipment and cutting edge technology.
What about the gastronomical well-being of students?
I don't think anyone actually bothers to put in much thought or funds into looking into it.
Studies have shown that some natural food are supplements to the brain, although some are not exactly proven.
Of course, ideally we should only take in healthy food and food that are claimed to boost brain power. After all, even if those claims are actually untrue, placebo effects might occur, we'll never know.
But I know, to achieve that is practically impossible.
On the flip side, it is really alarming to see how MacDonalds and Old Chang Kee have never-ending queues. It just goes to show how many students are depending on fast food to satiate their food cravings since the canteen didn't really do a good job.

Oh well, canteens are notoriously for poor tasting food, aren't they?
At least the one I frequent lives up to its name.

// lesson from a busker //

a piercing sound greeted me in the MRT underpass.
it was him again, plying his trade in the midst of the endless human traffic.
from the sound of his recorder, you could tell he was blowing very hard, so hard that i could hear very clearly, the creaking sounds made by air going through the gaps in the recorder.

so why was he blowing so hard, as though his life depended on it?

why do some people in another country fight for the release of their political leader?
why are these people fighting for a lost cause?
why do some children learn to read and write when such skills are probably useless in their country?
why are they putting in futile efforts?

what are they fighting for, why do they bother to struggle at all?
where do their passion and conviction originate from?

they believe that once they give their all, success would follow.
i've always admired people who give their 100% in everything they do.
because i cannot.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

finally!
but it was simply customary.
i shouldn't read too much into it.
afterall there are much more impt things for me to think about.

// life can only get more difficult //

oh why, every year in uni seems to be challenging my limits and tolerance.
everytime i think something is tough, another even tougher task would emerge.
i always think that ultimately someday, there will come a time when i can't take it anymore.
it's a struggle to keep awake during lectures.
understanding what's being taught is taking a toil on me.
planning ahead for fyp and fulfilling it is driving me crazy.
i spent 80% effort and yet the yield is just 20%.
a math qn: how much effort do i need to put in to achieve 100% yield?

today i just told a friend why a teacher would be my last choice of career.
after tutoring for so many years, there is just no job satisfaction.
all my tutees want is a pass.
don't they realise that the bar has been raised?
it is no longer sufficient to just scrape through.
judging by her grades, i have a hunch that she wouldn't make it pass N levels.
sometimes i'm just simply amazed by her laidback attitude and self-confidence.
i'm just very disappointed by her prelim results.
failed all her subjects yet she has got the cheek to play her itouch before tutition starts.
To make it to sec 5, the average grade she needs to achieve is a B3 or B4.
i doubt even a miracle can save her.
4 years of my time and efforts going to waste.
i am not cut out to be a teacher, no matter how hard i try.

//人生不如意的事，十有八九。只有如意的事值得记住//

recent encounters with people makes me wonder if i'm prone to misinterpreting people's words.
either that or they are the ones who conveniently forgot what they have told me, and as a result, changed their initial thinking, which i had remembered.

on a whiny mode, i can't believe within 2 weeks of school reopening, bad luck has already surrounded my very existence.
of course, i'm still very grateful that nothing seriously bad really happened,
but sometimes, little things that goes wrong adds up and you're left wondering why these 'little things' that others didn't have to bother, bogs you down.
it seems like lady luck hasn't stop frowning at me since the beginning of the year.

I actually have half-a-mind to document all those bad experiences but I've decided to try to let go of the negative (after all, they are little things) and remember the positive ones.

Of course, i didn't react well at first when those bad news were related to me, but that's normal i guess.

And I really don't care if people think I'm silly to enrol in major prescribed electives that result in having four consecutive days of exams. Or that I'm taking 22 AUS (thanks to my psych module)

Other are driven by practicality (an essential of engineering); myself, by passion.

//horrible year 4//

why does every sem becomes tougher than the previous?
Looks like I CAN'T SLACK ANYMORE.
Having slack for the past weekend, i have to pay back double this week.
Mind you, it's only week 2.
And I kept running late.
and running all over North spine, trying to figure out where's my class.
just like freshmen.
partially because i haven't been in school for nearly 9 months.
as usual, how i wish i live right in boon lay.
travelling is super energy draining. and time wasting.

as year 4, we could choose our major prescribed electives,
needless to say, many people chose according to the best exam dates.
that's to say, they avoid consecutive exam dates.
what about me?
well, i'm more idealistic than practical, so i chose according to my 'interest'
or you could say, by elimination.
Eliminating those i have absolutely no interest in.
So, what is the result?
Very unfortunately, I am bombarded with 4 consecutive days of exams.
yes, FOUR.
some of my coursemates have none.
of course, many say i'm heading for four days of hell, which i totally agree.

on the same note,
even though i have 4-day week, my timetable is packed.
even though i did plan for breaks, in actual fact, for most days i didn't have lunch until late afternoon.
why? i myself am not sure.
there's just too many fyp stuff to settle.
argh.

therein lies the benefit of starting fyp earlier.
however, i do not regret, because my IA experience has made me see things from a different perspective.
And I finally know where I'm heading to.
I have found motivation, what I need now, is discipline.

Like a little bird flying to a destination far away.
Without nutrients and water from the cage, which it has gotten used to.
Can it survive the arduous journey and emerge victorious?

// Hurray to changes in education system //

I think it's very logical for to introduce the so-called 'through-train' programme to N level students.
All along, I've always thought that it is rather unfair for students in N(A) stream to undergo 2 national exams consecutively.
Students in the express stream are said to be stressed out by the O levels and teachers pressured by the need to finish the syllabus, so much so that it suppressed students' curiosity and fascination on a particular subject. Hence, the through-train programme was introduced.
What about N(A) stream students? I really thought they suffered a worse fate.

The through-train programme for N(A) students might sort of remove the stigma that these students are less capable than express students, hence parents might become more willing to send their children to N(A) stream if their PSLE grades are the in-betweens.
However, the pressure of students might not be totally gone, wouldn't the parents want their children to enter this programme in order to secure a place in poly, and finally uni?


As for the IP for express students, I wonder why there is a need for a JC to specify the feeder secondary schools.
Isn't that akin to segregating the student population?
Perhaps some schools, for eg VS IP students going to VJC seems reasonable.
But specifying some other non-affliated, non-related school to a JC seems to me, a signal telling the students, hey our IP students goes there, so if even if you're not, after your O levels, you should be heading to that JC too.
But of course, even without such 'obvious' differentiation in the non-IP era, many students of a secondary school would also flock to the same one or two JC, either due to similar culture or vicinity.

Sigh. The race to the top is never-ending.

// the idiot who do not know how to use a pipette//

yup that's me!

DISCLAIMER: The rantings below do not reflect the IQ of a year 4 engineering undergrad. Please do not read further if it is too moronic for your comfort.

for every back-to-school week, I'm always full of complains and grudges
this sem is no exception.
No, i'm not going to whine how my 4 consecutive days of exams near end dec is going to slaughter me (my grades),
neither am I going to complain about the lack of online lecture recording.
I'm not even going to mention my communication breakdown (albeit one-sided) with the lecturer from germany.


well well well
fyp training has started and i'm totally caught off guard.
all the labs, equipment, chemicals seems super duper foreign to me.
i suppose others who did internship at research institutes wouldn't feel the same as me since they have been doing those 'chemical' type of lab work, if you know what I meant.
I mean, i had not touch a pipette since JC days and those were the ones with the orange rubber thingy that fitted on top of the calibrated glass tube.
Maybe the ones we now use are like, supposedly easier to use?
But then, how can it be easier to use when I don't even know what use the buttons on it are for?
I just don't get it.
All the mentors, trainers just took it for granted that every fyp student knows how to use a pipette.
Or that they thought those who do not know are intuitive enough to know what each button is meant to do.
Well, apparently I'm really not that intuitive enough.
If you give me the Iphone or Ipad to use, I probably could handle it for a day or two without the instruction manual.
I mean I haven't done that but I suppose so right?
since many tech gadgets nowadays are claiming to be user-friendly and intuitve etc.


One good thing about dealing with tech gadgets is that whenever I press something wrong, I can always reboot the whole thing.
Or when I type wrongly, save wrongly I can always delete it.
But for experiments, no way!
One step wrong and woebegone!
Re-doing is the only way out.
And due to lack of time, this really dumb person (guess who? :S) had to take the trainer's sample instead!
yes, I wasted probably tens of thousands of cells today.
I really hope karma would spare my incapability.


Maybe I sound like I'm implying that I should badger the trainer for the pipette instruction manual (if there's one) but be rest assured that I know doing so is like making a mountain out of a molehill.
What I (think I) need is someone to explain the function of each of the buttons on the pipette to me.
Not just telling me to press down once or release or wadeva.
When I get my access pass to the labs in a week or two, that's the first thing on my priority list.

And it didn't help that I have to decontaminate every single piece of tool I use.
I wonder such exaggerated decontamination work is required only for bio-related lab or in general, in every type of lab work.
I just feel very idiotic to be asking such question because I'm already a year 4 undergrad and I have no idea how to conduct a proper experiment.
or use the tools in a proper manner, for that matter.
It's just not second nature to me.

one thing I've learnt about myself,
experiments and research is so not my cup of tea.
try harder, hu/m/n.

// year 4 commencing soon ...//

Oh man, how I dread it!

//creating motivation//

can motivation be created?
probably can be inspired.
but for me, it's rather negative.
i have to prove critics wrong!
i dunno how, but I HAVE TO.

i seriously need some self-discipline.
there i was saying i want to prove critics wrong,
and i was already itching to either watch youtube videos or play viwawa games.
until.... i saw my last blog post,
last 2 sentences 'I must give my 100% in all the things i do. from now on.'
then i felt super guilty.

i have decided.
for this very last assignment before term starts, i am going to devote all my energy to do it.
even if the outcome is not as good as i would like it to be, at least i can say i tried my best.
and i need to remind myself about this resolution every second.
every second that i am conscious.

no more wasting of time. no procrastination. no restriction. no fatigue.
i must do it!!!

// focus, focus, FOCUS //

retail therapy cures all ailments =D

asking a stupid question is better than no question.
is it??
anyway what's done been done, can't put the stupid question back into my mouth.

i must give my 100% in all the things i do.
from now on.

//open your eyes, look at the real world//

外面的世界就是那样残酷。
为了生活，讨口饭吃，人人都是为了自己。
只有自己足够了，才会去想到别人，才能施舍于人。
其实这样才符合罗辑，自己没有或不足的，要怎样与其他人分享？

若没动力，又如何启发别人？
若没信心，又如何使别人相信？
若没热忱，又如何感染别人？
若没爱心，又如何去爱？

//coffee can't keep me awake//

yea, i'm back to the blogosphere to rant again.
i have heard this many times, from different people or from different books and
it has haunt me over and over again.

an issue that never get resolve will keep resurfacing in your
life.

although i can never exactly pinpoint the root of my troubles, they have always dampen my spirits somehow, and instil doubts in my self-belief.
until someone pointed it out plainly and bluntly.
that i had led a life so wrong.
and the cause of my misery is myself.
i myself had unknowingly constructed invisible barriers around me.
until it affected my communication with others.
i can no longer relate effectively to others.

the words i originally wanted to speak, remained in my mind.
the thoughts i had in my mind, i couldn't find the words to express.
the emotions i truly felt, kept locked away in a chest without access.

to communicate with others saps away my energy,
so i constantly feel lethargic.
so much so that coffee can't keep me awake anymore.
to understand others is making my head burst.
my mind is so full of my own thoughts that it can't contain other things.
i can't comprehend other people and they can't understand me.

i can never ever break out of this situation.
because there is no antidote to this.

// searching for a solution //

i finally know what's wrong.
and there are just too many problems for me to rectify.
just listing down all of them would sap away all my energy.
do i even have any energy left to search for a solution?
or is the solution already there, just that I have failed to notice it?
i dunno, it seems like i'm looking for an antidote, but do not even know how it looks like in the first place.
i'll have to swallow a lot of poisons before i can find the antidote.
you tell me, it's there,
it's just there,
but i just cannot see it.
Haiz.

//quirky//

Finally, had some time to do mindless surfing.

Funny
http://campus.udayton.edu/~swe/funstuff.htm

Dilbert's salary theorem
http://www.engineeringhumor.com/Theorems.html

i particularly like this:
why was the free electron so sad?
because it had nothing to be positive about!

got logged out of STARS at the most crucial moment.
can't get a core module.
what is this!

// 365th post //

there's no particular reason for this post.
it's just that, i'm lost again.
Lost in thoughts, i mean.

Each time I whine about going back to school.
About doing projects.
About tutoring.
Or anything else.
I still have to continue to do so.

Suddenly, it seems as though there's no real meaning in life.
Everyone is stuck in this rat race, following the process of studying, graduating, working, marrying, child bearing, bringing up children, educating them, retiring, relaxing and finally, dying.
Years pass by without getting much notice.
People come in and out of your life without permanent stay.
It seems like a natural process.

The world is so huge and yet each individual is so insignificant.
Why are we so bothered by the rat race?
Afterall, everyone has to go through it, whether you emerge victorious or not, does it even matter?
I know I sound self-defeating, but really, does it matter?
So what if you are at the top of the world next?
The next moment, you could fall all the way to the bottom of the ladder.
Hence, I can't understand why people butter up their boss, backstab colleagues, become self-centred, display kiasuism...etc.
Perhaps, a moment of weakness? but something tells me it's more than that.

I don't know about others, but sometimes, at some moments, I get these crazy thoughts like,
what's my cousins doing in msia? my aunty probably out for a karaoke session, my uncle at mahjong and my cousins out on dates.
Also, I'll savour the memories of my past overseas trips.
I wonder if the friendly uncle in hokkaido is still selling the uber delicious curry omelette rice?
Wonder what's the temperature like at Mount Fuji?
Wonder how's the soft-spoken vietnamese tour guide is doing?
I would even go to the extent of imagining the scene of Beijing's Great Wall and Tiananmen, is it still as crowded?
Then, after which, I will feel incredulous that at this very moment, people are experiencing different weather, different living conditions, different incidents at different parts of the world.
Please don't tell me I'm going crazy =P

// with age, comes wisdom //

I know it's still early to add another number to my age.
But celebrating some friends' birthdays still makes me feel old.
Esp if it's a threesome celebration!


Looking at the souvenir of a minature Effiel Tower really makes me feel like touring Europe!
I wonder if there's any possibility at all for me to backpack to Europe!
Afterall, it's always said to be too expensive and dangerous.

But it would be a dream come true to visit ancient castles and a change in scenery from the concrete jungle here.

Anyway, I guess, spending a few months abroad has made some people more streetsmart and wiser.
In fact, not only those who went overseas, i feel, being thrust into the working world has made all of us wiser.



For me, the aftermath of internship is that I've learnt to appreciate people whose words and actions are from the heart.
I have always thought that all humans are superficial to a certain extent.
And have never ever reflected that upon myself.
But now, I realised that I do act superficially at times too.
How?
For example, not really paying attention to what others say and blindly agree.
Only safe guarding self interest such that it might neglect the interests of others.
Insisting that I could do without help on the pretext of not wanting to inconvenience others when I really do need some help.
Not clarifying doubts.
And the list goes on.
I truly think cowardice on my part is the main culprit.
I now feel the need to constantly remind myself to speak and act from the heart.
And always act in the best interests of others. which is known as emphathy.
And I've experienced the benefits of doing so.
Somehow, people will be more receptive of your ideas and of course, a better relationship between people will be formed.
The world would become a better place.

Clarke Quay.

Last week at MBS. Obsessed with the structure!

Evidence of poor photog skills...

// the online battle //

Even though there's still almost 2 months to start of year 4, the impending course registration has just thrown most students into a frenzy.
Heard from sources that it's nearly impossible to get all the modules of your choice.
At least that's what they say of yr 4 mse.
Unless, will the help of ultra fast clicking and lady luck.
I guess having a lightning computer speed would help too.
Especially major prescibed electives, most people will fight for the popular ones. (which I don't know what are those and couldn't care less)
Speaking of which, I still can't make a final decision yet.
Oh whatever, for the past 5 semesters no guy has ever made my heart thump harder than our dearest 'fastest finger first' system.
Or for that matter, sweaty palms and a sudden shoot up in temperature.
I daresay it's the most exciting event that happens in ntu every semester, with the exception of probably the youth olympics (which is exciting only cuz it's a once in a blue moon affair)
In fact I'm always more driven to get the modules that I want, rather than studying them during the semester.
The satisfaction that comes with securing a place in a module of your choice just falls short of getting an A grade.
No kidding.

// the only constant is change //

Less than 2 months to the start of senior year..oh no.
Having exposed to the industry for some months, my view has changed from being afraid to more certain and now, looking forward.
Yet, it's time to go back to school.
I'm not so looking forward to fyp, surely.
My fyp haven even started and I'm already dreading it.
I'm regretting taking this bio-related project, after understanding it further.
Haiz, double haiz, triple haiz.
Have I chose the wrong project?
Even if that is so, it's too late for regrets.
Yes, I'm whining again.

Though i did not have an easy time during my IA, but at least I was still interested the work I was doing, which is totally materials related.
Looking forward to preparing samples.
Learning from the technicians.
Using the equipment.
Putting in the samples.
Waiting for the results.
Small things that kept me happy.
And it was this interest that drove me on.

Now that I am told that the 'materials' related part for my project is shaved off by alot
and the bio component is the mainstay, I'm super duper unhappy about it.
Sigh.
Initially I wanted to try new things but looks like I am still more happy doing something familiar.
Maybe I should have chosen a project related to my IA project.

In addition, throughout 3 years I have never set a foot into the actual MSE labs.
And for fyp we're supposed to be stuck there almost every week.
ARGH

Furthermore, the thought of studying really frightens me.
I don't mind attending lectures, tutorials.
But mugging for CAs, exams, yet again.
Facing kiasu people again.
These thoughts seriously saddens me.

I really really really really really really hope I can get a psychology module.
To motivate me to continue schooling.

// Toy Story 3 //

I have forgotten when had the previous Toy Story sequel been screened.
In fact, I can only vaguely remember the storyline.
But of course, no one forgets Sheriff Woody, Buzz Lightyear, or for that matter, Rex and the potato couple.

Maybe it's only me.
Even though reviews exclaimed the film to be touching or some tear-jerker,
the tale did not tug at my heart's strings.
Probably, I have to admit, I'm very much overaged for it.
Hence it didn't struck a chord with me, unlike the previous two movies.
The toys didn't grow, but like Andy, I did.
I was hoping the film to chronicle the feelings people have when they have outgrown toys but still, looking at the toys would bring back many happy memories.
This was kept till the last part, when I was already frozen in the cool air and yearning to thaw myself.
But of course, focusing on this wouldn't be fair as the main point is the toys' adventures in sunnyside daycare and the incineration plant.
Speaking of the incinerator, surprisingly, even to myself, I did not feel even a tad of anxiousness for the toys when they held hands before they were about to perish in the fire.
All the time, I was thinking that somehow they will be saved.
Rewind 5 years back, I might believed that they are about to perish and might even feel sad.
Alas, I'm indeed too overaged to appreciate this.
However, the wise cracks and humour do make it a winner.

What makes Toy Story so different from many other famed animated films, is that there is no ugly green monster, no superhero moves, just something as simple and everyday as toys talking, moving and feeling like humans do.
First launched way back in 1995, Toy Story made every child's dream come true.
In today's world, where traditional figurines are continuously being replaced by hi-tech toys like computer games, the success of Toy Story 3 is even more valuable.

the answer has been here all along.
shouldn't have cracked my brains to no avail.
wisdom comes from following the buddha's practice.

what kind of engineer do i aspire to be?

I will do my best to pull out of this vicious cycle.
I need to be courageous and assertive.

// emo //

I finally understood the meaning of "bitter medicine: hard to swallow, good for health".
At least I think I do.
Nobody is perfect.
Many people seek to become a better person.

However.
what if...
you innately feel something is very wrong with your life.
Like you can't be free..
Everytime you face anyone, you can no longer freely express what's on your mind.
You can't be true to your feelings...and always wears a mask to fence up yourself.

Depression sets in.
You tried your all to reflect on yourself.
Yet just couldn't pinpoint what's wrong.
And you just knew you didn't suffer from autism, social phobia, chronic depression or any mental illness.
At the very least, you could feel monentary happiness around happy people.
You try very very hard to appreciate all the little and good things in life.
You tried to be happy. to remain happy. to make people around you happy.
An epic failure.
You constantly ask yourself, are you simply expecting too much from yourself?
Are you jealous of other people's lives?
Somehow you know the answer for both questions is no.
And the feeling of depressed and dissatisfaction continue to haunt you.

Before you reach one place, you feel absolutely psyched and spontaneous.
But when you finally reached the place, you absolutely hate it and feel like leaving.
Synonyms of the word 'boring' kept flashing in your head.
Yet, ...yet, you still have to put on a happy mask to show you are enjoying.
And daydream about being in another place.
But when you are not there, you kept thinking of the place and all the things you would have missed out on.
And, this happens not once, twice or thrice.
It occurs (almost) every single time.

Maybe I'm just born to be like that.
Or maybe the two-year damage was really beyond my imagination.
I can't remember my innermost thoughts and feelings before those two years.
Perhaps, I had been happy. satisfied. with life. with family. with friends.
Probably I was too engrossed with academic achievements to even notice.
Only one incident still remained in my mind.
I knew I had once told a vice principal, 'I don't need friends, my aim is just to get good academic results', afterwhich she vehemently rebutted me.
Well, the hardest two years of my life proved me wrong..and my vice principal correct.
Without supportive friends I am nothing but an empty shell.
Without them, I cannot achieve anything at all.
Without them, I have nowhere to seek validation.
I can't even trust myself.
Until someone trust me.
Who is correct at guessing my personality.
Willing to lend a ear to hear my inner conflicts.
Willing to share a wealth of personal experiences with me.
Willing to point out my weaknesses and make efforts to help me to eliminate them.
But there's one thing guessed wrongly.
I know in my life, there's still love. concern. in many different ways. from family. from friends.
But no one totally understand me.
On the surface..
I assumed everybody thought that I am happy.
Since no one asked me why I am unhappy.
Except you.

On another note.
Leading an aimless life is one thing, not going all out to achieve your goals is another.
I believe I belong to the latter.
Perhaps, it's just not so good to ponder, brood over, consider, think too much when taking a step forward.
In the process, you might just lost touch with the initial goal or even give up the idea altogether because many invisicible walls suddenly appear to create obstructions.
At the end, nothing will be achieved.

//freed//

you can't learn how to swim until you let go of the walls.

// officially freed! //

I can't say how glad I am to be officially freed from internship!
Haha.

It was stressful, probably mostly orignating from myself.
All the while I was telling myself not to break anything again, to be EXTRA cautious.
More importantly not to do anything to incur the wrath of anyone, esp my sup, who'll be grading me.
Adding on the stress is the report deadline.
If only they can make this an S/U module, then I wouldn't need to feel so uptight.
Anyway, It's just me.
I think all my other friends are enjoying their intern days, like since day one.

I can't say I enjoyed mine, but at least I did gain alot of insights and learned about the working world.
intangibles which textbooks don't teach, yet are so pertinent to working.
Even if my grade is still unknown to me, at least this internship has been worthwhile.

//a lesson of enlightenment//

learning to let go is probably the hardest thing to master.
whether it is to let go of anger, hatred, grievances or to let go of familiarity and loved ones.
but the only way to move forward is to let go of the past misery, which served no purpose.
how then, to let go?
some people laugh it off, others physically hurt themselves.
but some never did, and bottle it in their hearts for many years.
all it matters is the perception.
to view grievances not as unfairness or misery
but as a way to toughen up and emerge stronger.
because life is wasted on being unhappy and indignant.
a minute of anger means sixty seconds less of happiness.

so why bother?
if you truly believe in yourself, believe you are doing the right thing.
unkind criticism from others means nothing.
seeking validation from within, not from others.
one day, others might realise their mistake
but that is not important to you anymore
cuz you have already surpass the stage of seeking others' approval.
you have a clear conscience and nothing at all to fear.

有许多话哽咽在喉咙，不知从何说起。
但非常感激，我上了宝贵的一课，一些从来没有人教我的道理。
犹如雨过天晴，原本封锁的心，渐渐被释放。
虽然暂时不能把全部放下，但开始真正懂得珍惜生命，体会其中的美妙。
这一课，我铭记在心。

sudden all things come to realisation.
time is ticking.
i have only three days to put them in place.
i can't afford to sleep.
which is crazy.

// friendship //

友谊，有很多种。
有些，一见如故，可以聊到没完没了。
有些，靠时间一点一滴累积，慢慢习惯。
我渐渐发现，每个出现在我生命里的人都有一定有原因。
一起共度患难的朋友，肯定值得珍惜。
对于那些伤心时赐予安慰，沮丧时给予鼓励的朋友，我万分感激。
但就有一些人，或许我和他们，从没有机会深一层的了解彼此，
却因某种情况相识。
我原本以为这些人只是生命中的过客， 日子一久就变成抛在脑后的记忆，迟早被遗忘。
可是，别小看这既毫不起眼又平凡的友情。
事隔几年再见，我却因那熟悉的笑容与言行举止, 心中出现一股莫名其妙的暖意，脑海里浮现一些当年的画面。
不深刻的朋友也不一定在心中毫无地位。

// lackadaiscal //

journals +
report
=
frustration +
panic

// grateful //

i'm grateful for the tolerance shown.
i'm thankful for the confidence in me.
i hope this will strengthen my resolution.
after all, the enemy to overcome is myself.

// one year //

can't believe it's been a year since my free-and-easy trip to Japan.
the good old days are always sweet.
wonder when i can travel again?

5 more weeks to freedom.
4 more weeks to chiong.
argh. not enough time.

//preoccupied//

i will learn from my mistake.
just that i wished i hadn't make one.

things that you prefer are often out-of-reach or ill-fitting.
things that you have do not wish for just comes straight in your way.

time is running out but i will make the best out of it.

//bothered//

all these while i've always thought that life should be free-reined, less uptight
everyone should live the way they want it to.
but that is all too naive and
applies only to children and teenagers.

the responsibilities that adults have to shoulder are perhaps
great beyond my imagination.
yes, we should take responsibilty for our own doing.
but sometimes luck dictates that consequences are far worse than ever.

living in a comfort zone ever since
a sense of caution and beware has never appeared in my mind.

other people's comfort are temporal and
in fact it makes me feel worse off.
and makes me wonder about possibly worse consequences ahead.
after all, in the working world,
the rules and regulations are scary.
there is no room for discussion.

//regrets are useless//

a co$tly blunder.
even if others forgive me, i cannot forgive myself.

i'm nothing but a irksome troublemaker.
an ignorant greenhorn.

living in fear cuz consequences are unknown.
i really wish no one else will be implicated.
whether current staff or future students.

down and out since the beginning of the year.
just when i thought it was getting better,
things just prove me wrong.
tired.
physically and mentally.
i wonder how many more mishappenings i can endure.
before i sink into total abyss.

i need to be extremely cautious of what i do.
need to constantly remind myself to stay vigilance.
cuz other things that can cause immense regrets could very well happen.
for the rest of this year.

a single mistake breaks confidence.
both yours and others.
futile wish that time can rewind itself.

// 3 months //

only when the computer system prompted me to change my log in password did i realise it has been 3 months into this internship.
it's the first time i'm working for so long.
initially when i heard that the intern program was to last for 5 months, i really doubted my endurance.
can i work for so long?

so far, it has been ok.
at least i'm not dragging myself to work yet.
there are many things to learn and discover on my own.
we're pretty free-reined.
but sometimes i'm just mentally tired, unable to make any sense of what i'm reading or of the data collected.
if the brain was to be analogous to computer processors, mine must be only 256MHz, at super slow speed.
anyway, being an intern cuts in both ways, good and bad.
people are more forgiving towards your mistakes.
but being a greenhorn requires extra work and effort.
i can't say that i'm giving my 100%...especially in reading up of materials.
the lazy part of me often takes over, with excuses like needing a break from work or there's too much to be read, i can't possibly read all.
the actual reason is that i really cannot understand some technical journals.
all the equations and graphs are making my head spin.

on the previous entry, actually i was debating with myself whether i should take up a fyp project that is slightly more challenging because of its bio applications (i've long stopped studying bio)
or a project that's totally material-related.
comparing these two, i think i'll fare slightly better for the second project because, after all it's what i'm training in. (but there's still a high % of uncertainty, given my average preformance)
of course, the first project is also materials-related but there'll definitely be new bio stuff to pick up. in fact, reading some bio technical articles already made me cringe as i totally have no inkling of what the article was about.
but it'll still be my preference because i can see the direct application this research is going to lead to.

but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is not enough, it's more important that i will not get lost in the tunnel.

// ambivalence //

once again, certain things made me wonder about my decision in studying engin.
although it's something that's too late to change.
coming to three years, i'm still unable to think like an engineer.

while others intuitively recorded their experience with overwhelming technical details,
never for once did i thought of doing that.

in fact, technical details and facts were simply lacking in mine.
all i did was to launch into a personal journal cum GP style essay, inputing my own opinions and ideas.
now that it was pointed out to me, i realise that it was a blatant mistake, yet one that i had made instinctively.

however, what are technical details and facts?
how should i go about writing that?
all i could think of is to summarise some research papers and textbook details.
but i would be very much reluctant to do that because those aren't my work.
why would profs want to read that when they can read the original paper.

maybe there's some other way which my non-engin brain can't think of.
like i'm supposed to write about how i applied those things learnt from other research papers into the project (practical application) i'm working on.
like how? i don't even understand my previous sentence... cuz it's just modified from one of the stated aims of internship.
someone please enlighten me.

a random note.
what would you do if your interest and ability are at odds?
would you choose to pursue your passion and give up doing something you are good at?

i need some creativity.
some inspiration.
and some quick thinking.

// rules //

I believe since young, many of us have been taught many rules.

At home, there are dos and don'ts imposed by our parents.

In school, there are a whole list of guidelines and school rules to follow.

All these were meant to instill the correct social behaviour and moral values in children, so they would grow up to be socially-accepted, well-rounded individuals.



However, as adults, with freedom of choice overpowering common sense, some people just choose to deviate from the role-model type of behaviour which we were taught to observe since young.

From people who smoke and drink to criminals who commit theft and murder, do these people have an innate rebellious streak, or were their actions directed by circumstances?



Anyway, some redundant rules are meant to be broken, just like how some red tape should be abolished.



------------------------------------------------------------------


A movie I want to watch...hopefully soon =)
The Lovely Bones.

I have read the book aeons ago and I doubt I remember the story.

// a different perspective //

a book i read today gave me some enlightenment.
actually i only read one chapter, which i thought interesting.
this made me realise how important the naming of the chapter is.
having an apt and short name allows the reader to find the info he/she needs easily without ploughing through the whole book.

it's important to realise that you and your parents lead different lives.
seeking validation from them only goes to show how insecure you are.
their intrusion in your life only make them seem insecure, unwilling to let go.
people fall and make mistakes, you are not alone.
being too sensitive to their words will only make yourself upset.

all the things that happened since the beginning of this year have almost drove me to a breaking point.
there's the day my aunt suddenly passed away.
there were unbearable days at home.
there were days i was disappointed with myself at work.
there's the day i couldn't get the required stamp and signature.
there's the jittery day i spent at the immigration centre and only to be told of being blacklisted.
but times of crisis also present opportunities to make a turning point.

optimism is not the same as having positive illusions;
it is the ability to turn things around.

i was too concerned about seeking validation.
i was too uptight about the 10 aus at stake.
i was too anxious to get things done.

maybe only when you release your attachment to the things and events happening around you, will you feel better and days become brighter


also thanks to my friends who gave me a different perspective and some confidence.
sometimes, people need to be reminded of why they are needed.

// time for self-evaluation //



i remembered the last time i counted the number of weaknesses i have.

ten fingers were not enough.

in fact, i recalled counting until 60 plus.

some minor, some major.



unfortunately, the major weaknesses of mine re-surfaced again recently.

many people aim to become a better person, myself included.

but i really wonder whether it is out of my own control.

how do i eliminate my weaknesses or turn them into positive points?

or is it impossible, due to my own personality, beliefs and upbringing.



the horoscope says that Scorpios are natural speakers with a charisma that warrants others to listen to them.

in my case, it's totally off.

frankly, i don't aspire to be such a good speaker.

i just want to communicate with people as per normal people do.

such that others can understand what i mean and not read much into it.

however, this simple thing others can do easily does not comes naturally to me.

i can't convey my thoughts and meanings effectively. especially in the workplace.

maybe i'm just too cowed.



another thing is the lack of my own view.

i can't recall any incident of me disagreeing with my mum until last year.

being in a traditional family means that parents expect, or taught their children absolute obedience.

while my sister is not one who can be pushed around easily, i'm the one who always stick to my mum's decisions.

hence, this might be due my personality trait.

i have always thought that obeying parents is a good thing.

but now i realise it's one of the leading cause of my lack of own opinions.

or rather the lack of courage to speak up.

for every mistake i make, in her eyes, any form of explanation i provide is only an excuse.. a rebuttal lack of respect for elders.
therefore there is no point making myself clear.
there is no point grumbling because according to her, i'm always in the wrong.
there is no solace to be sought at home.

// the realisation //

there's something I've got to learn.
a habit to get rid of.
but isn't going to be easy.

recently people around me are either telling me straight to the face or hinting that i don't have a mind of my own.
yup, it's true.
for the past 21 years, I've always relied on people to make decisions for me.
my mum, for all the things I do at home.
my friends, for deciding on the things I do outside of home.
my colleagues, for deciding what I do at work.

I've been reading the horoscope lately, just for fun.
It says that the worst trait of mine is 'being too adaptable to others'.
Since when is being peace-loving a crime?
Most of the time I hope to reduce conflicts and arguments with the people I interact with, therefore I am agreeable with them.
Which means I don't insist my own stand.
From some perspective, it seems as though I don't have my own principles.
Actually I very much preferred to be called open-minded because I don't believe in one fixed answer or solution.
Everything contains some truth in it. Even the greatest lie or rumour.

But of course I don't insist that my 'agreeable-ness' is completely correct.
There are some occasions when it is neccessary to stand by one's view.
For someone who's so used to agreeing with others, it's no mean feat.

Still, I enjoy the freedom to explore my areas of interest.
But when there's too much of uncertainties, my insecure self manifest as a monster, as though I will get stressed out at any moment.
Building a report solely based on appendices is a challenge, but one which I would gladly take up.

there is no sure-win battle.
even if you are sure you're on a winning streak.
there's no certainty.
slack is a trait you can't get rid of.

// the truth //

sometimes a white lie has to be told
to save one from misery
and to have a happy ending.
however i just hate to lie.

// randomised //

Some things are easy to learn, for example, operating an equipment.
With more practice, you'll gain better understanding of how it works and there'll be improvement.

Some other things, like how to deal with people, are more complex.
In this aspect, well, i'm definitely a noob, haha.
Some people tend to think a lot, like how they should behave in front of others,
such that they display different behaviour to different people.
Some people are too sensitive; they analyse every single word others say.
Some people are very insensitive; they speak right from their mind without any censorship.

Most people, like me are in-between the two extremes.
While I do not exert myself in thinking too hard about how to behave in front of others, there are a few 'invisible' guiding principles that I follow.
Greeting people with a smile, treating superiors with respect, avoid acting like a know-it-all to colleagues, to name a few.
That being said, I'm far from a genius in handling human relationships.
I think people find me simple-minded in this aspect, haha.
The human mind is just too hard to fathom.

// when the weather says it all //

when i was taking the lrt back home just now at sk, the sun's rays were so bright, it was shining right into my eyes.
i managed to get a seat, hence decided to rest my eyes for a while.
however, when the lrt got to my station, i was rather apalled by the dark clouds looming over the area.
when i got home, i was greeted by the sight of my sobbing mum, announcing the bad news.
Gone.
My second aunt didn't even got past the chinese new year.
Within a month of receiving the bad news about her ill health, she's gone.
Just last year, her whole family came from Malaysia to visit us.
In the earlier years, she and my uncle slogged for many years to raise their children up.
My cousins did not let their parents down, studying hard and excel in their careers.
In recent years, my 2nd aunt and uncle were the envy of everyone.
Their first taste of their fruits of labour was when their eldest son graduated from uni, landed a good job and got married.
My cousin drove his family here to visit us last year.
At that time, we were commenting on how blissful my uncle and aunt looked, when they played with their first grandson.
Happines don't last forever.
How true.

// in the midst of tuning //

maybe it's nostalgia.
maybe i just don't want to grow up.
in any case, i always feel some sort of sadness whenever i find myself (or anyone else) losing a sense of innocence(and perhaps becoming more matured).
yes haha i'm THAT weird.
why are children adorable?
it's simply their innocence.
the ability to view the world without tinted glasses.
i think i've lost this ability, unknowingly.
i believe, once i officially step into the working world, i will also lose the ability to feel gratitude towards simple things...perhaps even more.
as we grow older, and maybe wiser, it seems that we are losing intangibles and gaining tangibles.
just because everyone is gunning for that position, for that car, the house...all those material fortune, people are forced into joining the rat race.
once they have amassed a wealth of fortune, they grow old, and it's time to spend those fortune...be it for enjoyment, leisure, or even sickness.
however, those fortune can never buy back the intangibles, the 'abilities' of childhood, the emotions once forgone.
it seems like an unfair deal.
and even more so, a vicious cycle no one can escape.

children are amazed by almost everything.
teenagers are amazed by most things.
adults never find anything amazing.

// reality week //

the truth hits from nowhere.
hurts like hell.

// to work //

somehow it just feels very weird not to report to school on the first day of the semester.
so far, it feels as though i have extended holidays hehe.
So far, the 'honeymoon week' is just over.

this week is orientation week and formal training will commence next week.
i can't imagine what it'll be like, hearing from people that OT is rather common.
oh wells.
for now, there's only one word to describe - psyched.
contrary to what i had thought, engineering is actually quite exciting.
or should i say R&D.
ok maybe i'm just awed by all these new experiences.
seeing all those machines literally walking out of my textbooks is really a fascinating experience.
mentally, it motivates me by the fact that all those stuff i've been mugging for exams have practical usage.
Nothing beats the experience of wearing a jumpsuit and walking into the 'clean room'.
Experience, they say, is the best teacher.

Oh and engineers are all so smart and cool.
Anyone with the perception that engineers are geeks with poor language skills are fairly mistaken.
Those whom I met were well-groomed, and could communicate effectively with colleagues and superiors.
Not to mention their high efficiency.
All these actually make me have doubts about myself, whether i am cut out to be an engineer in future.
I still have a long, long way to go before I can reach their level (that is if I can reach there, haha)
There's another thing.
In school, mse for example, the gender ratio is generally equal.
However, at work, it is obvious that majority of the engineers are males and female employees are usually in HR or supporting services.
I wonder why.

// it's 2010 //

people always say the older u get, the more u get to know the 'sour, sweet, bitter, spice' of life.
it can't get any truer than this.
oh well, 2010 sort of started with a bitter taste.

just sent off my uni friend to korea for her industrial attachment.
even though it's only six months, but still, our whole gang will miss her.
esp since her accommodation is still unsettled, it's rather worrying.
seems like ntu is not as efficient as thought!
behind all those pursuasive, exciting vibes about going overseas attachment is actually many unknowns and uncertainties.
just hope that she'll have a safe and eye-opening experience and back soon!

next week is start of my IA too, and i found out i'm the only ntu mse intern.
oh yea, get used to loneliness.
i remember the time i used to do temp jobs, and i find myself super awkward around older, more qualified people.
i hope it will get better.

then there's a bad news from my relatives in m'sia that has rendered my mum bursting into tears now and then.
i can't bring myself into saying it cuz i never thought such a thing will happen.

anyway, i'm probably late in writing my resolutions for the year but i had already thought of them earlier, just that i had not pen them down.

1. Take utmost faith in my religion
2. Cherish everyone, family and friends.
3. Be very discipline to achieve my goals.
4. Be mentally strong to take any criticisms.
5. Contribute to the company to the best of my ability.
6. Focus on getting good academic results.

this year, i hope to be very conscientious in my resolutions.
no more half-hearted promises.
no more cutting slack.
hopefully, with all these efforts i promised to put in, 2010 will have a sweet aftertaste.