// emo //

I finally understood the meaning of "bitter medicine: hard to swallow, good for health".
At least I think I do.
Nobody is perfect.
Many people seek to become a better person.

However.
what if...
you innately feel something is very wrong with your life.
Like you can't be free..
Everytime you face anyone, you can no longer freely express what's on your mind.
You can't be true to your feelings...and always wears a mask to fence up yourself.

Depression sets in.
You tried your all to reflect on yourself.
Yet just couldn't pinpoint what's wrong.
And you just knew you didn't suffer from autism, social phobia, chronic depression or any mental illness.
At the very least, you could feel monentary happiness around happy people.
You try very very hard to appreciate all the little and good things in life.
You tried to be happy. to remain happy. to make people around you happy.
An epic failure.
You constantly ask yourself, are you simply expecting too much from yourself?
Are you jealous of other people's lives?
Somehow you know the answer for both questions is no.
And the feeling of depressed and dissatisfaction continue to haunt you.

Before you reach one place, you feel absolutely psyched and spontaneous.
But when you finally reached the place, you absolutely hate it and feel like leaving.
Synonyms of the word 'boring' kept flashing in your head.
Yet, ...yet, you still have to put on a happy mask to show you are enjoying.
And daydream about being in another place.
But when you are not there, you kept thinking of the place and all the things you would have missed out on.
And, this happens not once, twice or thrice.
It occurs (almost) every single time.

Maybe I'm just born to be like that.
Or maybe the two-year damage was really beyond my imagination.
I can't remember my innermost thoughts and feelings before those two years.
Perhaps, I had been happy. satisfied. with life. with family. with friends.
Probably I was too engrossed with academic achievements to even notice.
Only one incident still remained in my mind.
I knew I had once told a vice principal, 'I don't need friends, my aim is just to get good academic results', afterwhich she vehemently rebutted me.
Well, the hardest two years of my life proved me wrong..and my vice principal correct.
Without supportive friends I am nothing but an empty shell.
Without them, I cannot achieve anything at all.
Without them, I have nowhere to seek validation.
I can't even trust myself.
Until someone trust me.
Who is correct at guessing my personality.
Willing to lend a ear to hear my inner conflicts.
Willing to share a wealth of personal experiences with me.
Willing to point out my weaknesses and make efforts to help me to eliminate them.
But there's one thing guessed wrongly.
I know in my life, there's still love. concern. in many different ways. from family. from friends.
But no one totally understand me.
On the surface..
I assumed everybody thought that I am happy.
Since no one asked me why I am unhappy.
Except you.

On another note.
Leading an aimless life is one thing, not going all out to achieve your goals is another.
I believe I belong to the latter.
Perhaps, it's just not so good to ponder, brood over, consider, think too much when taking a step forward.
In the process, you might just lost touch with the initial goal or even give up the idea altogether because many invisicible walls suddenly appear to create obstructions.
At the end, nothing will be achieved.