// BOoo! //

I'm worrying too much about sunday.

catering, cake, deco...

Chill, Hui Min!

// too used to it //

somehow i feel that i'm seriously lacking in motivation this semester.
what a huge change from last semester.
i really hope this sem will pass over soon.

well, that's me, always living in denial, ever looking for ways to escape.
i can't face up to the fact that i suck at psychology.
even though i has no interest whatsoever in engineering, i've always tried to look at it in a positive way.
but that hypocritical side of me can't sustain for long.
i'm more and more positive that i don't suit this course.
while peers are getting better in understanding and explaining those concepts we learnt.
i can't even put two and two together.

we're supposed to be trained to have that kind of analytical mind.
but mine seems to have stop functioning.

if i can't even understand what i'm supposed to do for the assignments, how am i going to complete it??

i can't wait for the exams to end soon but i don't want it to start at all.

// on the spur of the moment //

hmm.
hmmmm.

I myself am puzzled why on earth did i agree to hold a bday party.
Just today, my dad suddenly realised that I'm turning 21.
Then he says, "Hold a celebration at home, ask your friends to come".
As simple as that.

Well if only that's so simple.
I have problems deciding on the guest list.
Our place is a just a 4-room flat.
Can't accommodate many people.
That being said, I don't have that many friends also.
and majority of my relatives are in Malaysia.
So that should be fine.
Ok, now the food.
Most caterers require a minimum of 30 pax or so.
what about the cake?
no idea.

I feel like I'm adding on to my already heavy workload.
argh. why ever did I listen to my dad and aunt?
totally got psycho-ed by them at that time.
-hit my own head-

it took me long enough to realise that i suck at psychology =(

// they're back //

they're back means my housewife-y days are over!
yippie.
also, there are junk food for us! yeS. i can't wait to eat the green tea kit kat. haha.

Junk food is good, cuz i'm also super stressed at the moment.
I haven touch my assignments.
I need to complete my project.
Haiz.
Why must they replace the mid term quizzes with assignments???
And it's not like there's no quiz at all.
There'll be a few quizzes just a few weeks before the exams also.
Man. Year 3 is the most stressful till now.
I can swear to it.
All the past sems I've been complaining about my lack of ability to cope with studies.
But this sem I don't even have time to complain now.
I wrote many many question marks on my notes and I wonder when can I resolve those.
The deadlines are pushing me to hand up mediocre work.
Never-ending bouts of carelessness and bad luck are wasting my time.
I can't give my best anymore.

// home alone //

well, mum and dad flew to Japan for their pilgrimage, which I couldn't go, unfortunately.
not exactly home alone, as there's my sis who's in the midst of mugging for her Os.
and also my aunt who came yesterday.

the day after they set off, i got the first-hand experience of being a 'housewife'.
well, with the exception of cooking and laundry.
anyway, i start to empathise with my mum.
Household chores began begging for my attention the moment I open my eyes.
Firstly, i had to wash the cups, boil water, make milo, take out the butter from the fridge, sweep the floor etc etc..........
okay, i shan't bore you with the details.
but you get the idea...the tasks are ENDLESS!
Even when I finally got all the stuff done and sat down to rest, my mind couldn't get a rest.
I needed to start thinking of what to eat for lunch.
Thanks to the ulu-ness of our place, getting something decent to eat isn't easy.
Especially if you can't cook.
Perspiring heavily after walking under the hot sun, I spent half an hour just to get that all-time popular wanton mee.
After gobbling down my lunch, I had to rush for tuition.
By the time I returned home, my aunt had come.
Boy! was I super duper glad!
Yay I don't have to worry about what to eat for dinner.

Relieved of my responsibilities, I could relax this morning, chomping on more bread and
reading the newspaper (which was reporting on how the town of SengKang is no longer that ulu. ha! what a lie! at least in my neighbourhood.)
Ah finally life was back to normal.

However, my aunt will be back home tonight as she has to work tomorrow.
Looks like it will be another 'pretend to be housewife' day for me.
It's no easy task.

// recess over =\ //

well recess week is always a love-hate affair for me.
love it cuz in a sense it spells everyone's favourite word H O L I D A Y
hate it cuz there's tons of stuff to do which i'll never get down to doing.
oh yes, miraclously i can feel totally disoriented after one week of not going to school.

I seem to be having a bout of bad luck...perhaps i myself should take some responsibility.
Well there're endless incidents which i only have vague memory of, hence i won't recount them
cuz some are so trivia but really shows how bad my luck is.

Today, well I cleanly forgotton that there were no 3001 tutorials and stupidly went to school early.
i even climbed the stairs as i thought i was late.
when i peered into the tutorial room, i could only see one guy doing some stretching in the room. weird huh?
anyway i felt like the most idiotic person to pull my zombie-like self out of bed rushing for some non-existent class.

well well well nothing could compare to what happen after that.
since i had two hours to spare, i contemplated to catch some sleep in library but eventually convinced myself i should edit my project draft to a presentable state.
yes, a sudden burst of diligence.
therefore i even skipped lunch, working on my draft ever so conscientiously.
the timing was right and i finally finished the editing ten minutes before the impending lecture.

i felt so happy and relieved that i had write off one burden on my mind.
until.... i came home and found that it was not saved in my thumbdrive.
DAMN
i don't like to use harsh words but it seemed so appropriate i dunno what else to say.
I clearly remembered i did save my work! as complete draft v.2.
where has it gone??
the only possibility is that i saved it on the lib's computer desktop and not my thumbdrive.

if such a thing happen to you, will you still have the patience to re-do?
i don't. i really don't. i don't feel like.
sis says i should quickly re-do since i should still have some recollection of what i edited.
but i just don't feel up to it.
defiance, maybe. tired, definitely.
simply put, i'm just not self-discplined enough.

// lost //

i have a lot of thoughts.
a lot of impulses to blog.
but i just can't get down to it.

internal struggles are troubling me again.
why??