// some peace before the storm //

Some years ago, I always wondered why Singaporeans want to migrate to another country.
As I remember it, many of them would say life here is too stressful and fast-paced.
Well, at that time, the naive me didn't realise the reality of the situation.
Now, I can finally empathise with their feelings.

Education, which has occupied a large part of my life, is one area that sparked off this realisation.
Having spent years listening to teachers always struggling to 'catch up' with the syllabus, having been through countless cramming sessions (just to get those useless theories inside my head), it serves some sort of justification to those common complaints.

Why do kids hate exams so much?
Why do parents spend so much on getting the best tutor for their children?
At each stage of the education system, there is the most - feared national examination.
Some have liken it to a war.
Some have questioned the rationality of it.
Is it justified to judge the amount and depth of learning of a student simply by a one-off examination?
I can't help but think that those students who got eliminated in the process could have gotten a chance to proceed on if they had been given more liberty in terms of learning pace.
No doubt Singapore has to progress. Society and standard of living has to improve.
But if it's at the expense of the mental and psychological wellness of young students, I would think it's a high cost.
Anyway, the focus on academic success tend to overshadow other aspects, like moral ethics.
Students nowadays might be well-versed in many subjects, with credit going to the education system, but are their moral compasses pointing in the correct direction?

Maybe it's just me.
Sometimes I just feel everything is proceeding at a very fast pace.
There is no time to delve deeper into the stuff we learn, no time to reflect.
So many things to cope with, so little time.
This has inculcated a habit of 'just learn those that will be tested' such that some people who chose to learn more are at a disadvantage, especially if those who possess an average intelligence.
It just seems that only the more gifted can have the privilege to learn more than is required while those will average intelligence are expected to learn just what is required, especially if they want to get a decent grade.

Anyway, it is now the period before exams.
the peace before the storm.
the time when i cannot feel more relieved.
with fyp out of sight (for now), it's time to take things slow.
i've realised that learning at my own pace is the most enjoyable thing.
however, it's very much slower than the rate we are supposed to go.
hence, the inevitable last minute cramming just before the exams.

// dream interpretation//

Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew or gnaw.
in this regard, teeth symbolizes power.
And the loss of teeth in your dream maybe from a sense of powerless.
Are you lacking power in current situation?
Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across.
You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard.
You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life.
This dream is an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the importance of what you say.
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dreaming about falling teeth is a vivid nightmare.
ugly, yellow shrunken tooth falling out one-by-one.
you try to stop the rest from falling out but can't.
you can't control it.
you feel powerless.

//nothing's definite//

seems like i need to convince myself that each and every small step i take is towards clearing the mountain-high pile of work i've owed.

one step taken is one step forward.
not backward.
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// luck//
sometimes you feel lucky to get into a train just in time.
sometimes you feel unlucky cuz you just missed a train.
sometimes you feel heaven must be playing a joke on you when you did not miss any bus at all but still had to wait a long time for one.

sometimes you feel irritated when you were rushing home and yet someone had decided to block the right hand path (of the escalator)
but you'd definitely feel lucky that you were slowed down when lightning just struck 3 steps in front of you.
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//getting over it//
avoidance is moving forward,
not backward.
i will do better next time.
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// the truth//
sometimes, knowing the truth about yourself might not be the best thing.
esp if you can't cope with the truth.
knowing one's own strengths might lead one to be overconfident or arrogant.
knowing one's own weaknesses is detrimental to one's self-esteem.
perhaps i'm just not mature enough to handle it.
so much so that i have lost the ability to paint the facade of self-confidence,
that had once fooled many.

everybody has been too kind to me. why do i feel that? have i been too unkind to myself? yet, i'm doubting their kindness because of doubts in myself. 我一直在问自己，我有那个能耐吗？ whatever the case, even though i lack intrinsic motivation, i'm going to draw strength externally, from their encouragement. i might fail myself but i cannot fail them. 无论结果，我不能辜负他们的期望，一定要努力到最后，最后。

//短暂的努力// I can't sustain my efforts to work hard! Sometimes I think nothing can save me alr. At this time, I ought to be thinking about where I want to go next. So my mentor ask, what's next after NTU? Truth be told, I'm not sure. I have alr postponed the decision for 6 years. Friends who went to poly have alr chosen their career path ages ago. Even those who went JC had an inkling of the ultimate goal they were working towards, sure, in the course of these 6 yrs, their goal might have changed. But at least they had one. Friends whom, like me, had no idea what they want, have now found their calling. I seemed to be the last person in the graduating batch who is still lost. Now that I realise it, I only have two options. Option 1: Keep applying for jobs of any nature, as long as they want my degree and I don't mind the job Option 2: Wait till after graduation, take a break to think of what's next. Of course, option 2 seems like ideal. Since a job/career is for life, it is a major decision that warrants serious consideration. But the disadv is that I might be stuck with nothing once the hiring period hits off-peak. Or even worse, I still cannot make up mind. Dear me, what shall I do. Now, I totally understand how one of my friend (who grad last yr) feels. And my escapism streak struck again. I understand the psychological theory behind it but I can't even cure myself. Such a lousy, ill-disciplined lazy bum, I am. Maybe I should see a shrink. Then, I keep thinking of my strengths... to be truthful to myself I have none. The things I like to do... imagining things, dreaming about crazy ideas, observing people, spewing sarcasm and blogging. It doesn't even fit any type of job. Sometimes, I dream too much. So much so that I've kind of lost touch with reality. I've lost common sense. I've lost the ability to listen to people. I've lost the trust in myself. I dunno what's my purpose in life. I'm hanging on because of family and friends. Never for myself. I'm driven by deadlines and routines. Not beacause of passion. And I think, that's pathetic, right? I dunno, the so-called interest that I have, did it come right from the heart, or i convinced myself that it is. It has been almost a year, and when I took out those stuff I wrote, I felt utterly useless. I have not changed a single bit. I had cleanly forgotten those advice. I have not taken a single action/step to change for the better. I'm still the lamb/ the rabbit/ the weakling. Waiting to be devoured by the fitter lot. I think, my life is in disarray. And I'm the one who caused it to become like that.

It's soon gonna be over. Hope I can make it through!!! What with a million things to do. A zillion lectures and tutorials to catch up. I need some intrinsic motivation. It's the final turn. Do it or break it. Arghh I cannot afford to slack anymore, my classmates were appalled when I revealed the amount of lectures and tutorials I have to catch up. All thanks to fyp. Out of 5 modulus I have for examination this semester, there are already 2 which I have absolutely, 100% no idea what had been taught. Those two modules were practically 'non-existent' (at least in my mind) since the beginning of the semester as I had 'borrowed' the time to do my fyp. Now, it's payback time. Utterly bitter, gruelling payback time. 40 days to the ULTIMATE freedom. less than a month to start of exams. now, that's some form motivation or you might say...some reason for panic! =S

i guess the worst is over... i guess...

i deserved it. for slacking too much. i just hope i can make it through. if i don't, it'll be my own fault. no one else to blame.