// rules //

I believe since young, many of us have been taught many rules.

At home, there are dos and don'ts imposed by our parents.

In school, there are a whole list of guidelines and school rules to follow.

All these were meant to instill the correct social behaviour and moral values in children, so they would grow up to be socially-accepted, well-rounded individuals.



However, as adults, with freedom of choice overpowering common sense, some people just choose to deviate from the role-model type of behaviour which we were taught to observe since young.

From people who smoke and drink to criminals who commit theft and murder, do these people have an innate rebellious streak, or were their actions directed by circumstances?



Anyway, some redundant rules are meant to be broken, just like how some red tape should be abolished.



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A movie I want to watch...hopefully soon =)
The Lovely Bones.

I have read the book aeons ago and I doubt I remember the story.

// a different perspective //

a book i read today gave me some enlightenment.
actually i only read one chapter, which i thought interesting.
this made me realise how important the naming of the chapter is.
having an apt and short name allows the reader to find the info he/she needs easily without ploughing through the whole book.

it's important to realise that you and your parents lead different lives.
seeking validation from them only goes to show how insecure you are.
their intrusion in your life only make them seem insecure, unwilling to let go.
people fall and make mistakes, you are not alone.
being too sensitive to their words will only make yourself upset.

all the things that happened since the beginning of this year have almost drove me to a breaking point.
there's the day my aunt suddenly passed away.
there were unbearable days at home.
there were days i was disappointed with myself at work.
there's the day i couldn't get the required stamp and signature.
there's the jittery day i spent at the immigration centre and only to be told of being blacklisted.
but times of crisis also present opportunities to make a turning point.

optimism is not the same as having positive illusions;
it is the ability to turn things around.

i was too concerned about seeking validation.
i was too uptight about the 10 aus at stake.
i was too anxious to get things done.

maybe only when you release your attachment to the things and events happening around you, will you feel better and days become brighter


also thanks to my friends who gave me a different perspective and some confidence.
sometimes, people need to be reminded of why they are needed.

// time for self-evaluation //



i remembered the last time i counted the number of weaknesses i have.

ten fingers were not enough.

in fact, i recalled counting until 60 plus.

some minor, some major.



unfortunately, the major weaknesses of mine re-surfaced again recently.

many people aim to become a better person, myself included.

but i really wonder whether it is out of my own control.

how do i eliminate my weaknesses or turn them into positive points?

or is it impossible, due to my own personality, beliefs and upbringing.



the horoscope says that Scorpios are natural speakers with a charisma that warrants others to listen to them.

in my case, it's totally off.

frankly, i don't aspire to be such a good speaker.

i just want to communicate with people as per normal people do.

such that others can understand what i mean and not read much into it.

however, this simple thing others can do easily does not comes naturally to me.

i can't convey my thoughts and meanings effectively. especially in the workplace.

maybe i'm just too cowed.



another thing is the lack of my own view.

i can't recall any incident of me disagreeing with my mum until last year.

being in a traditional family means that parents expect, or taught their children absolute obedience.

while my sister is not one who can be pushed around easily, i'm the one who always stick to my mum's decisions.

hence, this might be due my personality trait.

i have always thought that obeying parents is a good thing.

but now i realise it's one of the leading cause of my lack of own opinions.

or rather the lack of courage to speak up.

for every mistake i make, in her eyes, any form of explanation i provide is only an excuse.. a rebuttal lack of respect for elders.
therefore there is no point making myself clear.
there is no point grumbling because according to her, i'm always in the wrong.
there is no solace to be sought at home.

// the realisation //

there's something I've got to learn.
a habit to get rid of.
but isn't going to be easy.

recently people around me are either telling me straight to the face or hinting that i don't have a mind of my own.
yup, it's true.
for the past 21 years, I've always relied on people to make decisions for me.
my mum, for all the things I do at home.
my friends, for deciding on the things I do outside of home.
my colleagues, for deciding what I do at work.

I've been reading the horoscope lately, just for fun.
It says that the worst trait of mine is 'being too adaptable to others'.
Since when is being peace-loving a crime?
Most of the time I hope to reduce conflicts and arguments with the people I interact with, therefore I am agreeable with them.
Which means I don't insist my own stand.
From some perspective, it seems as though I don't have my own principles.
Actually I very much preferred to be called open-minded because I don't believe in one fixed answer or solution.
Everything contains some truth in it. Even the greatest lie or rumour.

But of course I don't insist that my 'agreeable-ness' is completely correct.
There are some occasions when it is neccessary to stand by one's view.
For someone who's so used to agreeing with others, it's no mean feat.

Still, I enjoy the freedom to explore my areas of interest.
But when there's too much of uncertainties, my insecure self manifest as a monster, as though I will get stressed out at any moment.
Building a report solely based on appendices is a challenge, but one which I would gladly take up.

there is no sure-win battle.
even if you are sure you're on a winning streak.
there's no certainty.
slack is a trait you can't get rid of.