// one year //

can't believe it's been a year since my free-and-easy trip to Japan.
the good old days are always sweet.
wonder when i can travel again?

5 more weeks to freedom.
4 more weeks to chiong.
argh. not enough time.

//preoccupied//

i will learn from my mistake.
just that i wished i hadn't make one.

things that you prefer are often out-of-reach or ill-fitting.
things that you have do not wish for just comes straight in your way.

time is running out but i will make the best out of it.

//bothered//

all these while i've always thought that life should be free-reined, less uptight
everyone should live the way they want it to.
but that is all too naive and
applies only to children and teenagers.

the responsibilities that adults have to shoulder are perhaps
great beyond my imagination.
yes, we should take responsibilty for our own doing.
but sometimes luck dictates that consequences are far worse than ever.

living in a comfort zone ever since
a sense of caution and beware has never appeared in my mind.

other people's comfort are temporal and
in fact it makes me feel worse off.
and makes me wonder about possibly worse consequences ahead.
after all, in the working world,
the rules and regulations are scary.
there is no room for discussion.

//regrets are useless//

a co$tly blunder.
even if others forgive me, i cannot forgive myself.

i'm nothing but a irksome troublemaker.
an ignorant greenhorn.

living in fear cuz consequences are unknown.
i really wish no one else will be implicated.
whether current staff or future students.

down and out since the beginning of the year.
just when i thought it was getting better,
things just prove me wrong.
tired.
physically and mentally.
i wonder how many more mishappenings i can endure.
before i sink into total abyss.

i need to be extremely cautious of what i do.
need to constantly remind myself to stay vigilance.
cuz other things that can cause immense regrets could very well happen.
for the rest of this year.

a single mistake breaks confidence.
both yours and others.
futile wish that time can rewind itself.

// 3 months //

only when the computer system prompted me to change my log in password did i realise it has been 3 months into this internship.
it's the first time i'm working for so long.
initially when i heard that the intern program was to last for 5 months, i really doubted my endurance.
can i work for so long?

so far, it has been ok.
at least i'm not dragging myself to work yet.
there are many things to learn and discover on my own.
we're pretty free-reined.
but sometimes i'm just mentally tired, unable to make any sense of what i'm reading or of the data collected.
if the brain was to be analogous to computer processors, mine must be only 256MHz, at super slow speed.
anyway, being an intern cuts in both ways, good and bad.
people are more forgiving towards your mistakes.
but being a greenhorn requires extra work and effort.
i can't say that i'm giving my 100%...especially in reading up of materials.
the lazy part of me often takes over, with excuses like needing a break from work or there's too much to be read, i can't possibly read all.
the actual reason is that i really cannot understand some technical journals.
all the equations and graphs are making my head spin.

on the previous entry, actually i was debating with myself whether i should take up a fyp project that is slightly more challenging because of its bio applications (i've long stopped studying bio)
or a project that's totally material-related.
comparing these two, i think i'll fare slightly better for the second project because, after all it's what i'm training in. (but there's still a high % of uncertainty, given my average preformance)
of course, the first project is also materials-related but there'll definitely be new bio stuff to pick up. in fact, reading some bio technical articles already made me cringe as i totally have no inkling of what the article was about.
but it'll still be my preference because i can see the direct application this research is going to lead to.

but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is not enough, it's more important that i will not get lost in the tunnel.

// ambivalence //

once again, certain things made me wonder about my decision in studying engin.
although it's something that's too late to change.
coming to three years, i'm still unable to think like an engineer.

while others intuitively recorded their experience with overwhelming technical details,
never for once did i thought of doing that.

in fact, technical details and facts were simply lacking in mine.
all i did was to launch into a personal journal cum GP style essay, inputing my own opinions and ideas.
now that it was pointed out to me, i realise that it was a blatant mistake, yet one that i had made instinctively.

however, what are technical details and facts?
how should i go about writing that?
all i could think of is to summarise some research papers and textbook details.
but i would be very much reluctant to do that because those aren't my work.
why would profs want to read that when they can read the original paper.

maybe there's some other way which my non-engin brain can't think of.
like i'm supposed to write about how i applied those things learnt from other research papers into the project (practical application) i'm working on.
like how? i don't even understand my previous sentence... cuz it's just modified from one of the stated aims of internship.
someone please enlighten me.

a random note.
what would you do if your interest and ability are at odds?
would you choose to pursue your passion and give up doing something you are good at?

i need some creativity.
some inspiration.
and some quick thinking.