From beginning to end

有始有终。
我仿佛闻到结束的开始。

带着面具伪装自己，快乐无比。
卸下面具的我，彷徨无助。

原来我还是跟以前一样脆弱。

rain rainy gloom gloomy weather

 Rainy weather can be much appreciated, or not.

This whole weekend has been rainy.
Who doesn't welcome rainy weather in the morning?
It typically gives one a good excuse to hit the pillow again and sleep in.

However, when the day goes on and the rain shows no sign of stopping, it could be frustrating.
Furthermore, with Monday looming ahead, it seems like there is nothing but gloom in everything.
This maybe the reason why in countries with four seasons, winter is usually a season where people can fall into depression easily.

That's not to say winter or bad weather is not good though.
People need time to wallow in self-pity, need a reason to cry, to swallow the unjust, to vent the stress, to recover emotionally.

What needs to come, will come.
When it is over, people won't remember a single thing down the road and you can look back and laugh it off.

Cloudy and rainy

2013 looks to be a tough year ahead.
Felt like dying at the thought of all the action items on my list.
Not to mention the almost daily escalations.
Felt like escaping. again.
Even with people helping me out, I wonder how long I can last.

Often, I think of continuing to challenge my limits.
Yet sometimes, I simply feel like escaping.
The feeling of ambivalence is pulling me in opposite sides.
And I end up feeling exhausted and acheiving nothing.

The choice, ultimately, lies in myself.
Nobody is waiting for my decision, nobody is giving me a dateline.
But if I do not make a decision, I will forever be suffering in this state of ambivalence.

Gallup test says one of my strengths is deliberative.
Recently, it has become my weakness.
If I do not make up my mind, I will forever be stuck in the rut, never realising what I can actually do and what the future holds.
Another of my real weakness is a contributing factor too.
Sloth and unwillingnes to step out of my comfort zone.
All I need, to get out this cloudy state, is really plenty of courage, willpower and abit of impulse.

Empty promises made to avoid head-on clashes.
I feel so ashamed. This is so not right.
Today, I made a promise to myself.
I am so afraid it's gonna be an empty one too.
I really don't believe this. I can't even trust myself.

Of reflections and resolutions

I wonder is it age that's catching up.
I wonder if the thing I fear most is happening.

What I fear most, is losing the ability to anticipate the new year with child-like excitement.
Losing the ability to hope for the many happy things that will come in this new year, regardless of whether they would actually come true.

Transitioning into the new year this time round, was with mixed feelings, rather than excitement.
Perhaps, stepping into the real world and seeing people for who they are, how they behave, really has a more profound impact on me than what I expected.
Perhaps, I myself cannot reconcile with facts about human nature, the many faces they wear, the motives that lies behind their action...just to name a few.
The problem just lies deep within, suppressing the supposed feelings of joy and anticipation.

I am aware that there are ways to overcome it.
One of the ways can be summarized by "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil".
Observe less, listen less, talk less, analyse less.
Another way is to accept  the evils and people for who they are.
After all, someone once told me that the world is made of good and bad, it needs to have this balance to function.
Either way is going to make me less of who I am, on the other hand, less of a troubling mind.
I can't convince myself at all.

2012 was quite eventful, especially in the second half.
Events and happenings are always a good way for me to gauge my own progess, whether I had learned or matured or remained stagnant in different aspects.
In life, there is no teacher, you have to manage your own life.
It's like I can almost see my own report card, ticks for things I had done right, or in a better way than previously, and crosses for things which I am still struggling with.

These reflections spurns off the following year's resolutions.

Setting new year resolutions also served to renew the new year spirits and signifies a brand new beginning.

1. Continue to strengthen faith and resolute in my religion.
2. Strive to be a better person (it will take pages to elaborate).
3. Make full use of everyday.
4. Stay healthy and happy and wish the same for everyone I know.
5. Be steadfast and more diligent.

The guiding principles for a fulfilling year ahead. Or so I hope.