//bidding farewell to an eventful year//
2010.
In 2009, I remembered I had happily set great expectations for the new year.
And I vaguely still remembered my resolutions.
So unlike me.
Anyway, 2010 had been really eventful compared to previous years.
And I would always remember the disappointment, the period of darkness.
Not only that, but also, the time when I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
The blessing in disguise.
Even though there are some things we wished wouldn't have happened.
Certain things that left an imprint on one's life. on the lives of many others.
Things we regretted.
Things that no one could have prevented.
Yet, to be able to enter another new year itself, is already a blessing.
Also, to be able to steer away from negative thoughts and stay optimistic is, indeed a sign of maturity.
So, why hold on to the unhappy past?
I will remember year 2010 as an eventful year, yes.
A year of painful lessons.
With a happy ending.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
// super bad feeling //
It is a bad feeling when you are stuck in a question.
A question which had appeared in the tutorial.
A question which looked extremely familiar.
A question which you had attempted twice previously.
Except that it did not evoke the recall of the answer or steps on how to do it at the most crucial time.
None at all.
I always fell at the most crucial time.
I wonder why.
What makes it worse, is when people discuss their answers after the exam.
when you have none to talk about.
once again, I've fallen prey to the incorrigible bell curve.
everyone else please thank me for supporting all of you.
becuz i'm at the bottom.
two more to go,
i wish time pass faster so that i can get out of this.
and get temporal escape before reality sinks in.
very tempted to abandon the remaining two papers.
since hopes of pulling up the grade is already zero.
but i know, if i don't at least attempt to give what i can,
it will prick my conscience.
the most i can is to give a feeble attempt at maintaining the status quo.
which is getting harder by the year/semester.
It is a bad feeling when you are stuck in a question.
A question which had appeared in the tutorial.
A question which looked extremely familiar.
A question which you had attempted twice previously.
Except that it did not evoke the recall of the answer or steps on how to do it at the most crucial time.
None at all.
I always fell at the most crucial time.
I wonder why.
What makes it worse, is when people discuss their answers after the exam.
when you have none to talk about.
once again, I've fallen prey to the incorrigible bell curve.
everyone else please thank me for supporting all of you.
becuz i'm at the bottom.
two more to go,
i wish time pass faster so that i can get out of this.
and get temporal escape before reality sinks in.
very tempted to abandon the remaining two papers.
since hopes of pulling up the grade is already zero.
but i know, if i don't at least attempt to give what i can,
it will prick my conscience.
the most i can is to give a feeble attempt at maintaining the status quo.
which is getting harder by the year/semester.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Friday, December 03, 2010
// a failure is a lesson to remember //
usually communication subjects are supposed to pull our gpa up.
not for me this sem.
no matter how many times people tell me it's only 2 aus.
telling me it's over and done with.
the scar is still there.
in my life.
yesterday was our prof comm presentation in the afternoon,
i have no idea why, but in the morning i was already feeling restless and out of sync.
i just didn't want to be there.
'performing in front of a crowd'
and pretending i was so well-versed in something i didn't.
my mind just couldn't recall the script i so gruellingly crafted.
i spent hours willing my mind to absorb what i need to say.
i tried to motivate myself, even almost to the point of threatening that my grade for this module would suffer if i did not put on a good presentation.
but nothing worked.
when i stood in front of the class, i wasn't really scared as i saw familiar faces.
after my introduction, the very first paragraph of my script, i saw the tutor , who was sitting right under my nose, looking up at me.
that instant my mind went blank.
totally.
i couldn't even recall a single word that came next.
then, i had to crept back to the table where my friend, the next speaker was, to peep at the script.
btw she was helping me to click my slides.
when i did so, i thought i heard some gasps from the audience.
maybe it was a figment of my imagination.
when i resumed, it was totally nerve-wrecking.
to the point that i FORGOT AGAIN.
and crept back for help.
i couldn't believe what i was doing.
i looked down at the floor, and looked at the tutor who was busy scribbling comments.
And I thought. Can i just say CUT and start over again?
i couldn't believe i was throwing my grades away.
And the next moment, i looked up at the audience.
but strange enough, i couldn't see their expressions even though i was looking at them.
except, maybe, for this guy i didn't know well, who was sitting directly in front of me, and just so happened to be at my eye level.
he gave me a very encouraging look, imperceptibly nodding his head.
i was very grateful.
but deep down inside, i was thinking, is this really happening?
it really felt dream-like, no, more like a nightmare.
pulling myself away from the thought of burying myself into the ground (and there was no way to),
i struggled on, speaking at bullet-train speed in order to beat the time limit.
Finally i finished on time.
And passed to the next speaker.
And because i was so out of sync, i also screwed up when i helped the next speaker to click her slides.
Argh.
the very first time i truly wanted to bury myself in the ground.
yet after the presentation, i had to continue to pretend nothing had happened and answer questions from fellow classmates during Q&A.
after the session, the speakers stayed back for feedback session from the tutor.
as expected, i had very poor feedback.
at least she didn't lambasted me.
but she did reprimand me for memorising my script word-for-word.
and she said something, which gave me a new perspective.
Public speaking is actually multi-tasking.
It's something i have never thought of.
After which, i had to go for the monthly fyp research group meeting, hence i didn't have time to lament to my classmates, who were going for dinner.
After the meeting, i had a call from them, they wanted to meet me at the mrt stn to take the mrt together.
Which was rather atypical of them.
I knew, they were concerned.
we chatted mindlessly about everything and anything except the blotched presentation.
when i closed my eyes, a few drops of water squeezed out.
i knew it wasn't because of the sadness i felt cuz at that point in time, the only feeling i had was still shock.
it was because my eyes were weary.
i was feeling tired, and my mind totally exhausted.
This week, these four days, i guess... i was overwhelmed with 2 tests and 2 fyp meetings with prof and this presentation.
Anyway, I have learnt to be wiser.
1. To get enough sleep.
Sleep consolidates memory. I had only around 5 hours of slumber the previous days and that probably explain why i wasn't in the right state of mind.
2. Not to over-memorise and over-rehearse.
Simple reason, fatigue takes away all the enthusiasm from a presentation.
3. Put cue words on the powerpoint slides.
It helps when you are stuck. It gives you some form of assurance before presentation.
usually communication subjects are supposed to pull our gpa up.
not for me this sem.
no matter how many times people tell me it's only 2 aus.
telling me it's over and done with.
the scar is still there.
in my life.
yesterday was our prof comm presentation in the afternoon,
i have no idea why, but in the morning i was already feeling restless and out of sync.
i just didn't want to be there.
'performing in front of a crowd'
and pretending i was so well-versed in something i didn't.
my mind just couldn't recall the script i so gruellingly crafted.
i spent hours willing my mind to absorb what i need to say.
i tried to motivate myself, even almost to the point of threatening that my grade for this module would suffer if i did not put on a good presentation.
but nothing worked.
when i stood in front of the class, i wasn't really scared as i saw familiar faces.
after my introduction, the very first paragraph of my script, i saw the tutor , who was sitting right under my nose, looking up at me.
that instant my mind went blank.
totally.
i couldn't even recall a single word that came next.
then, i had to crept back to the table where my friend, the next speaker was, to peep at the script.
btw she was helping me to click my slides.
when i did so, i thought i heard some gasps from the audience.
maybe it was a figment of my imagination.
when i resumed, it was totally nerve-wrecking.
to the point that i FORGOT AGAIN.
and crept back for help.
i couldn't believe what i was doing.
i looked down at the floor, and looked at the tutor who was busy scribbling comments.
And I thought. Can i just say CUT and start over again?
i couldn't believe i was throwing my grades away.
And the next moment, i looked up at the audience.
but strange enough, i couldn't see their expressions even though i was looking at them.
except, maybe, for this guy i didn't know well, who was sitting directly in front of me, and just so happened to be at my eye level.
he gave me a very encouraging look, imperceptibly nodding his head.
i was very grateful.
but deep down inside, i was thinking, is this really happening?
it really felt dream-like, no, more like a nightmare.
pulling myself away from the thought of burying myself into the ground (and there was no way to),
i struggled on, speaking at bullet-train speed in order to beat the time limit.
Finally i finished on time.
And passed to the next speaker.
And because i was so out of sync, i also screwed up when i helped the next speaker to click her slides.
Argh.
the very first time i truly wanted to bury myself in the ground.
yet after the presentation, i had to continue to pretend nothing had happened and answer questions from fellow classmates during Q&A.
after the session, the speakers stayed back for feedback session from the tutor.
as expected, i had very poor feedback.
at least she didn't lambasted me.
but she did reprimand me for memorising my script word-for-word.
and she said something, which gave me a new perspective.
Public speaking is actually multi-tasking.
It's something i have never thought of.
After which, i had to go for the monthly fyp research group meeting, hence i didn't have time to lament to my classmates, who were going for dinner.
After the meeting, i had a call from them, they wanted to meet me at the mrt stn to take the mrt together.
Which was rather atypical of them.
I knew, they were concerned.
we chatted mindlessly about everything and anything except the blotched presentation.
when i closed my eyes, a few drops of water squeezed out.
i knew it wasn't because of the sadness i felt cuz at that point in time, the only feeling i had was still shock.
it was because my eyes were weary.
i was feeling tired, and my mind totally exhausted.
This week, these four days, i guess... i was overwhelmed with 2 tests and 2 fyp meetings with prof and this presentation.
Anyway, I have learnt to be wiser.
1. To get enough sleep.
Sleep consolidates memory. I had only around 5 hours of slumber the previous days and that probably explain why i wasn't in the right state of mind.
2. Not to over-memorise and over-rehearse.
Simple reason, fatigue takes away all the enthusiasm from a presentation.
3. Put cue words on the powerpoint slides.
It helps when you are stuck. It gives you some form of assurance before presentation.
Thursday, December 02, 2010
//fell flat on the face//
i hate the feeling of zoning out at the most crucial moment.
all preparations have come to naught.
it's hard to be someone you are not.
it's hard to put on a pretence.
to put on a brave front when you are timid.
is the hardest thing to do.
2010 is seriously unbearable for me.
i have been putting up with these nonsense since Jan.
bad things happening one after another.
i have had enough.
exams in 8 days' time.
can't bring myself to study.
afterall, anything i do won't pull my gpa up anymore.
so why bother?
why do i still subject myself to such stress?
just feel like quitting school altogether..
i hate the feeling of zoning out at the most crucial moment.
all preparations have come to naught.
it's hard to be someone you are not.
it's hard to put on a pretence.
to put on a brave front when you are timid.
is the hardest thing to do.
2010 is seriously unbearable for me.
i have been putting up with these nonsense since Jan.
bad things happening one after another.
i have had enough.
exams in 8 days' time.
can't bring myself to study.
afterall, anything i do won't pull my gpa up anymore.
so why bother?
why do i still subject myself to such stress?
just feel like quitting school altogether..
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