// a failure is a lesson to remember //

usually communication subjects are supposed to pull our gpa up.
not for me this sem.

no matter how many times people tell me it's only 2 aus.
telling me it's over and done with.
the scar is still there.
in my life.

yesterday was our prof comm presentation in the afternoon,
i have no idea why, but in the morning i was already feeling restless and out of sync.
i just didn't want to be there.
'performing in front of a crowd'
and pretending i was so well-versed in something i didn't.
my mind just couldn't recall the script i so gruellingly crafted.

i spent hours willing my mind to absorb what i need to say.
i tried to motivate myself, even almost to the point of threatening that my grade for this module would suffer if i did not put on a good presentation.
but nothing worked.

when i stood in front of the class, i wasn't really scared as i saw familiar faces.
after my introduction, the very first paragraph of my script, i saw the tutor , who was sitting right under my nose, looking up at me.
that instant my mind went blank.
totally.
i couldn't even recall a single word that came next.
then, i had to crept back to the table where my friend, the next speaker was, to peep at the script.
btw she was helping me to click my slides.
when i did so, i thought i heard some gasps from the audience.
maybe it was a figment of my imagination.
when i resumed, it was totally nerve-wrecking.
to the point that i FORGOT AGAIN.
and crept back for help.

i couldn't believe what i was doing.
i looked down at the floor, and looked at the tutor who was busy scribbling comments.
And I thought. Can i just say CUT and start over again?
i couldn't believe i was throwing my grades away.
And the next moment, i looked up at the audience.
but strange enough, i couldn't see their expressions even though i was looking at them.
except, maybe, for this guy i didn't know well, who was sitting directly in front of me, and just so happened to be at my eye level.
he gave me a very encouraging look, imperceptibly nodding his head.
i was very grateful.

but deep down inside, i was thinking, is this really happening?
it really felt dream-like, no, more like a nightmare.

pulling myself away from the thought of burying myself into the ground (and there was no way to),
i struggled on, speaking at bullet-train speed in order to beat the time limit.
Finally i finished on time.
And passed to the next speaker.
And because i was so out of sync, i also screwed up when i helped the next speaker to click her slides.
Argh.

the very first time i truly wanted to bury myself in the ground.
yet after the presentation, i had to continue to pretend nothing had happened and answer questions from fellow classmates during Q&A.

after the session, the speakers stayed back for feedback session from the tutor.
as expected, i had very poor feedback.
at least she didn't lambasted me.
but she did reprimand me for memorising my script word-for-word.
and she said something, which gave me a new perspective.
Public speaking is actually multi-tasking.
It's something i have never thought of.

After which, i had to go for the monthly fyp research group meeting, hence i didn't have time to lament to my classmates, who were going for dinner.
After the meeting, i had a call from them, they wanted to meet me at the mrt stn to take the mrt together.
Which was rather atypical of them.
I knew, they were concerned.
we chatted mindlessly about everything and anything except the blotched presentation.

when i closed my eyes, a few drops of water squeezed out.
i knew it wasn't because of the sadness i felt cuz at that point in time, the only feeling i had was still shock.
it was because my eyes were weary.
i was feeling tired, and my mind totally exhausted.
This week, these four days, i guess... i was overwhelmed with 2 tests and 2 fyp meetings with prof and this presentation.

Anyway, I have learnt to be wiser.
1. To get enough sleep.
Sleep consolidates memory. I had only around 5 hours of slumber the previous days and that probably explain why i wasn't in the right state of mind.
2. Not to over-memorise and over-rehearse.
Simple reason, fatigue takes away all the enthusiasm from a presentation.
3. Put cue words on the powerpoint slides.
It helps when you are stuck. It gives you some form of assurance before presentation.