// Toy Story 3 //

I have forgotten when had the previous Toy Story sequel been screened.
In fact, I can only vaguely remember the storyline.
But of course, no one forgets Sheriff Woody, Buzz Lightyear, or for that matter, Rex and the potato couple.

Maybe it's only me.
Even though reviews exclaimed the film to be touching or some tear-jerker,
the tale did not tug at my heart's strings.
Probably, I have to admit, I'm very much overaged for it.
Hence it didn't struck a chord with me, unlike the previous two movies.
The toys didn't grow, but like Andy, I did.
I was hoping the film to chronicle the feelings people have when they have outgrown toys but still, looking at the toys would bring back many happy memories.
This was kept till the last part, when I was already frozen in the cool air and yearning to thaw myself.
But of course, focusing on this wouldn't be fair as the main point is the toys' adventures in sunnyside daycare and the incineration plant.
Speaking of the incinerator, surprisingly, even to myself, I did not feel even a tad of anxiousness for the toys when they held hands before they were about to perish in the fire.
All the time, I was thinking that somehow they will be saved.
Rewind 5 years back, I might believed that they are about to perish and might even feel sad.
Alas, I'm indeed too overaged to appreciate this.
However, the wise cracks and humour do make it a winner.

What makes Toy Story so different from many other famed animated films, is that there is no ugly green monster, no superhero moves, just something as simple and everyday as toys talking, moving and feeling like humans do.
First launched way back in 1995, Toy Story made every child's dream come true.
In today's world, where traditional figurines are continuously being replaced by hi-tech toys like computer games, the success of Toy Story 3 is even more valuable.

the answer has been here all along.
shouldn't have cracked my brains to no avail.
wisdom comes from following the buddha's practice.

what kind of engineer do i aspire to be?

I will do my best to pull out of this vicious cycle.
I need to be courageous and assertive.

// emo //

I finally understood the meaning of "bitter medicine: hard to swallow, good for health".
At least I think I do.
Nobody is perfect.
Many people seek to become a better person.

However.
what if...
you innately feel something is very wrong with your life.
Like you can't be free..
Everytime you face anyone, you can no longer freely express what's on your mind.
You can't be true to your feelings...and always wears a mask to fence up yourself.

Depression sets in.
You tried your all to reflect on yourself.
Yet just couldn't pinpoint what's wrong.
And you just knew you didn't suffer from autism, social phobia, chronic depression or any mental illness.
At the very least, you could feel monentary happiness around happy people.
You try very very hard to appreciate all the little and good things in life.
You tried to be happy. to remain happy. to make people around you happy.
An epic failure.
You constantly ask yourself, are you simply expecting too much from yourself?
Are you jealous of other people's lives?
Somehow you know the answer for both questions is no.
And the feeling of depressed and dissatisfaction continue to haunt you.

Before you reach one place, you feel absolutely psyched and spontaneous.
But when you finally reached the place, you absolutely hate it and feel like leaving.
Synonyms of the word 'boring' kept flashing in your head.
Yet, ...yet, you still have to put on a happy mask to show you are enjoying.
And daydream about being in another place.
But when you are not there, you kept thinking of the place and all the things you would have missed out on.
And, this happens not once, twice or thrice.
It occurs (almost) every single time.

Maybe I'm just born to be like that.
Or maybe the two-year damage was really beyond my imagination.
I can't remember my innermost thoughts and feelings before those two years.
Perhaps, I had been happy. satisfied. with life. with family. with friends.
Probably I was too engrossed with academic achievements to even notice.
Only one incident still remained in my mind.
I knew I had once told a vice principal, 'I don't need friends, my aim is just to get good academic results', afterwhich she vehemently rebutted me.
Well, the hardest two years of my life proved me wrong..and my vice principal correct.
Without supportive friends I am nothing but an empty shell.
Without them, I cannot achieve anything at all.
Without them, I have nowhere to seek validation.
I can't even trust myself.
Until someone trust me.
Who is correct at guessing my personality.
Willing to lend a ear to hear my inner conflicts.
Willing to share a wealth of personal experiences with me.
Willing to point out my weaknesses and make efforts to help me to eliminate them.
But there's one thing guessed wrongly.
I know in my life, there's still love. concern. in many different ways. from family. from friends.
But no one totally understand me.
On the surface..
I assumed everybody thought that I am happy.
Since no one asked me why I am unhappy.
Except you.

On another note.
Leading an aimless life is one thing, not going all out to achieve your goals is another.
I believe I belong to the latter.
Perhaps, it's just not so good to ponder, brood over, consider, think too much when taking a step forward.
In the process, you might just lost touch with the initial goal or even give up the idea altogether because many invisicible walls suddenly appear to create obstructions.
At the end, nothing will be achieved.

//freed//

you can't learn how to swim until you let go of the walls.

// officially freed! //

I can't say how glad I am to be officially freed from internship!
Haha.

It was stressful, probably mostly orignating from myself.
All the while I was telling myself not to break anything again, to be EXTRA cautious.
More importantly not to do anything to incur the wrath of anyone, esp my sup, who'll be grading me.
Adding on the stress is the report deadline.
If only they can make this an S/U module, then I wouldn't need to feel so uptight.
Anyway, It's just me.
I think all my other friends are enjoying their intern days, like since day one.

I can't say I enjoyed mine, but at least I did gain alot of insights and learned about the working world.
intangibles which textbooks don't teach, yet are so pertinent to working.
Even if my grade is still unknown to me, at least this internship has been worthwhile.