sem 1 exams has officially ended for me! yay!

come, holiday mood, come!

Off to a mini getaway to .... KL!

I have a long to-do list this coming holidays, hope I can complete them =D


there's an urge to change the blogskin, by the way.
the repulsive force from familiarity

// I dunno why //



I dunno why some people want to run away from familiar stuff.

people like me.

familiar stuff like places, people and food.



I always tend to complain and feel bored when

I been to familiar places, see familiar face, eat familiar food

but when it's gone

feelings of regrets just overwhelm

why I didn't cherish it in the first place.



some people have a admirable life.

yet they still complain.

some people are worse off.

yet they still need to listen to such complains.

and pretend to empathise.



Is there fairness?



some people are born to manipulate people and use them for their own benefits.

some people are born to be used and manipulated.



Is it true?



some questions about life doesn't have an answer.

some facts of life I'll never understand.




------------------------------------------
two posts in a day that don't make any sense.

enough la, you!

//whines//

next week.
econs and ms 2008.
ms 2008 the killer paper.
set by prof wang the genius.
i'll be killed.

why?
electrons.
such a small thing yet matters so much to my grades.

I dun understand why ntu doesn't give any study break.
Time. I'm lacking it.
Boo.
Still have so many chapters to go.
I'm also lacking in memory.
Think I only have 1gb the most.
how.how.

oh, I almost forgot to mention my econs mcq test.
80%
And I SUed the subject.
great huh.
but I can't slack for econs.
becuz the past year exam papers have shown it to be another difficult paper.
papers full of application qns will definitely kill me.
somemore, my memory retention power is really bad.
I forgot 70% of what I studied for the test.
I think I did the right choice to SU it after all.

obama 297 (won!) macain 139
(270 electoral votes to win)

I think obama is going to win! =)
Change, we need.

http://edition.cnn.com/ELECTION/2008/results/president/

Astrology.com sent me a birthday reading. Lol.

Section 1: How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others

You appear gentle and soft, and you act rather reserved with others until you know them well and feel it is safe to be open with them. You have a strong need for emotional security and a sense of belonging, and are deeply attached to the past: your heritage, roots, family, cherished friends, familiar places, etc.Making radical changes or moving away from what is known and safe can be very painful and difficult for you. You tend to cling and hold on to people, memories, possessions of personal or sentimental significance. Having a home, a safe haven, is very important to you.

Section 2: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation

Quiet, deep, emotionally complex and intensely private, youare not a person who is easy to get to know and understand. You are extremely sensitive but disinclined to show it, and you allow only a special few into your inner world. Like a wary animal, you are cautious and mistrustful of those you do not know until you"sniff them out". You are very, very instinctive and intuitive.You usually have a strong, immediate gut reaction to people, even though you may be unable to clearly articulate why you feel as you do. Your feelings and perceptions go deeper than words.

//say bye bye to tech com//

I had wanted to post on this last wed, when our presentation finally ended.
But I had some more things to do.
Anyway, I'm so glad that the project has ended.
I was extremely nervous while presenting, and I think many people did sense my anxiety.
Anyway, what's over has been dealth with and I shan't brood over it.
The results will be released on wed.
We were happy that our proposal achieved an A grade.
But, imagine our horror when it was only worth a measly 15%!
Even our 3-5 minute oral presentation carries 20%!
Anyway, people always say that a good start is half the battle won.
I am not too worried about the grade as per se.

Haha! I decided to prolong "my day" by one day!
So today I had a respite from school...uh but no break from study (I have another quiz worth at least 20% on wed, not to mention the upcoming exams starting next wed)
So here am I, enjoying my extended birthday!
Dun be too jealous of me, k! =D

// It's My Day! //

Before I launch into contemplating about turning twenty, I want to thank all those who have wished me. Those specially-concocted messages really warms the heart. =D

It is surprising how some of my old friends can remember my birthday.
Of course, they may have did it with the help of facebook or friendster, but I'm still grateful that they actually took the trouble to wish me.
Those are people whom I'm not close to, but have worked with before in projects or have taken the bus with, or simply have engaged in mindless chatter with.
Haha. You know it is them when their wishes come together with their surnames and the class you have been together to.

I especially want to thank my best-est friend of 12 years who have even taken the trouble to mail a card to me.
With today's technology, anyone can easily send an e-card instead of mailing by post but the latter really brings back alot of memories for me.
As I have shifted house twice,(technically thrice, though) I wouldn't have maintained many friendships without post.
When I first left my 1st primary school in P2, my pals and I wrote letters to each other to keep in touch.(suggested by my mum)
Even though, my friends just have to write one letter each, and I had to reply to all four letters (regina, gladys, ting hui, ping ting), I did not mind.
All the while, we did not get to meet up.
Sadly, I guess this was the reason our friendships started to weaken...
I lost touch with them in P6 and sec 1 mainly because we stopped writing.
It was rather sad for me because 2 of them apparently moved but did not inform me.
My letters to them just bounced back to me, with the words "wrong address" imprinted.
I guess I will still meet them someday and I do hope I can still recognise them!

Come to think of it, I really wrote a lot of letters when I was younger.
When I shifted (again!) away from woodlands in sec 2, I wrote to my best-est friend,(christy)whom I got to know in primary sch and my secondary school friends (mt and wq =D).
All three of them are still very in touch with me even till now.

Perhaps it was all the cumulative letter writing over the years that made me like writing so much.
Nowadays, technology allows us to communicate instantly and the appeal of posting a letter is lost.
To save time and money, it is logical for us to make use of the technology to communicate.
Many have debated over the pros and cons of this matter. I'm not sure which is better though. I mean, if you win some, you'll lose some.
However, one thing I'm sure is that it is virtually impossible for us to revert back to the old days, though the communication by post will always remain a soft spot in my heart.

// for one more day //

Just read ' for one more day ' by mitch albom.
I had no idea this book was about life and death beforehand.
The protagonist in the story had wanted to seek death because he felt rather useless and hence guilty towards his ex-wife, daughter.
And most importantly, his mum.
He did not manage to see his mum one last time before her death as he went to play some baseball game.

He was in an accident when he miraculously saw his mother alive
I think that was his hallucination.
Anyway, during his hallucination, he spent a day with his mum.
That day, ironically his most meaningful day of his life, he:

1) discovered his mum secretly worked as a cleaner to support his education
2) found out his dad, whom he has admired so much, had another family
3) took a trip down memory lane about what his mum has done for him and what he did not do for her.

A touching, yet inspiring book.

// one thing after another //

ok, now i'm officially taking a break from tutoring!
yes!
my tutees' exams have all ended and now what's left to do is to wait for their PSLE/E-O-Y results.

anyway, received an alarm bell from my psychology lecturer today.
exams are a month away.
i can't believe this sem is ending so soon.
i thought i had more time.
scary and relieved at the same time.

everything is getting tougher and i'm feeling the heat.
yr 1 sem 1 everything was relaxed and yr 1 sem 2 i was struggling.
yr 2 sem 1, well, time is just not enough.
in addition to tutorials, there's always something else, like reports, that we have to do.
one of my lab mates, a poly-direct entry student, commented that this sem was similar to his yr 3 in chemical engineering.
in other words, extremely busy and stressed.
another lab mate was reminiscing about yr 1 being a honeymoon yr.

and the truth is that things will get even more tough for the coming semesters.
everytime, i will just cringed when the lecturer says that the concepts he has just taught will be further elaborate on in yr 3/4.
it's like, i would be thinking: I can't even understand you now, how do you expect me to understand even more abstract stuff next time?
But as all things goes, I just hope a solution will surface when the time to face such problems arrives.

on a lighter note, i find psychology really fascinating.
i mean, other than memorising the theories and names of psychologists.
i really admire those psychologists who can stand up for their own beliefs.
to create a theory about human behaviour is indeed fascinating!
unlike what most people think, psychology is a science which theories have to be proven before being recognised.
as i understand it, a psychologist forms theories by observing humans/animals behaviour and also using his/her intuition and then prove it by doing experiments.
then the theory will be name after the psychologist.
and there would most likely be some other contradictory theories by some other psychologists.
hence they will need to argue for their stand.
psychology is also evolving.
theories that exist today can be obsolete tomorrow.
sounds like something i would like to do.
which reminds me that recently i heard from someone that her friend's daughter is earning a pathetic sum after graduating with a degree in psychology.
i really don't understand why psychology is so underrated sometimes.
especially when some branches of psychology have useful applications.
like organisational psychologists who can help to improve relationships among colleagues and increase productivity by creating a conducive working environment
like developmental psychologists who can help young children and mentally disabled children learn more effectively.
like criminal psychologists that helps to identify the profile of a criminal in order to solve cases.
anyway, the discrepancy is very wide, i have heard of organisational psychologists earning $10k/mth and psychologist-turned-counsellors earning $1.?k/mth.
the market for psychology graduates is just too small in sg and most tend to work in other fields.
but it is a different story in US.
perhaps the culture is just very different there.
Asian societies like ours value practical things like social standing and 'face' whereas they value things like human rights and freedom of speech.

//midterms //

This week: 2 down, 1 more to go.

I can wave my 40% worth of ms2008 grade goodbye.
Ok, I couldn't decide which midterm was worse, ms2005 or ms2008.
Or perhaps it was ms2002.

Anyway,
I was simply irritated to the core today during the test.
Call me sensitive or fussy
But I JUST CAN'T STAND IT
when the person sitting beside me keeps on sighing and banging his pen on the table

especially in the silence of exam time.
where every sound is amplified by at least 20 times and each bang on the table causes a vibration magnified by at least 50 times.

I don't know the person but was absolutely irritated by him.
We were supposed to sit in an alternating pattern but apparently there were not enough seats in the LT to accomodate this.
He came in late and I was sitting at the very last row so he conveniently plonked into the empty seat next to me.
Argh!
Never felt so frustrated during a test before.
Goodness knows how many times did he sigh.

I was thinking:
Bro, I know you have problems doing the questions but look, you're not the only one, Ok?
Very soon, that thought turned into frustration.
All I wanted was to throw a brick at him.
Luckily, after the test, he scot off fast.
Or else I don't know what I could have done.
Seriously.

In any case, i doubt any of my other uninterrupted midterms will be any better.
I always had this sinking feeling after every single test.
This "doomed-to-fail" feeling.
Well, I certainly hope my tutee won't have such similar feelings when PSLE starts on Fri.
The battle begins.
He, like me, is always hovering between a pass and a fail.
Talk about Who you'll meet is a mirror reflection of yourself.



Can I handle any more disappointment?

I don't want to face the world.

I wanna be alone.
Alone in the land of strangers.

//twist lick dunk//

haha.
Once i read the clarification notice put up by Oreo in 'Today', my mum and i immediately open a packet of Oreo cookies! =)

// reports, reports and more reports!//

Sort of tired doing the lab reports..

Ok, truth be told, I don't feel like doing anything.

except watching youtube videos, tv or shopping.

Hello man! it's holiday!!

and it's only for one week.

why am i stuck at home doing reports, studying and tutoring.

Mega SIGHS.

Happy times are always short-lived

.

// RECESS WEEK! //

it's already mid-term.
but i'm still wondering what is happening.
lessons are progressing at such a fast pace that
i'm lost

lectures and tutorials.
i'm stuck.

i mean, i knew an ENGINEERING course would be demanding
what i didn't know is that
i couldn't rise up to the challenge.

last sem was bad.
thus i wanted a change this sem.
but to improve things?
easier said than done.

self-motivation is losing steam.
self-comforting is hurting pride.
self-esteem is at all-time low.

i crave for more time
to study and understand
the abstract concepts
and formulae

but some other things are competing for my time.

travelling time.
it's definitely nice to return home to a comfortable place
but is it worth sacrificing 1/6 of a day travelling?

tuition.
it's great to have more allowance
and even leftover money to save every month
but is it worth spending the time?
a trade-off between money and time.

and I don't understand why we need to have tutorials for tech com module
cuz it's never productive.
just give lectures and record it
so that i can skip it and watch online recording in record time.

as for the constant disturbance in the house.
who dares defy the matriarch?
no point defending yourself or you will be accused of shifting reponsibility.
no point explaining or you will be accused of giving unreasonable excuse.
little things that makes no sense.
why argue?
my precious time will be wasted.
just admit to whatever teeny-wheeny accusation.

hence
i can't be bothered.
i'm NUMBED to the noise.

silence is simply the best solution.

//back to s'pore=back to reality//

Although I was in JB for less than a full day, it was nice to be physically away from the normal life.
This time round, it was for my cousin's wedding, which came as a surprise as he is only a few years (3-4 yrs) older than me.
In actual fact, it seems to be like a social norm in Malaysia to get married rather early, by S'pore's standards.
Anyway, due to the physical distance, my sis and I were never really close to any of our cousins, all of whom resides in Malaysia.
When we were young, perhaps, yes.
Especially during CNY when we played firecrackers with them and count our hongbao money together.
It was really enjoyable and bonded us and our cousins.
We had always look forward to CNY whereby my family will make trips to Malaysia as the bulk of our relatives stays there.
However, as time goes by, especially in the teenage years, my cousins would be visiting their friends during CNY and my sis and I would be left alone in the house to set firecrackers by ourselves.
Yes, even though the firecrackers still burnt as brilliantly, the enjoyment has already faded, leaving its remnants in our memories.
Time is what one cannot buy, no matter how much money one has.

//getting a glimpse of light//

finally!
I've thought things through and decided not to run away from my project and tutorials (for now, that is.)
my brain is functioning!
I just thought of something to do abt the project
and as for tutorials...
i'm logging off now to do them =D

//escape from reality//

I'm more and more certain that I'm a reality escapist. (if there is such a term)
Running away from real-life problems seems like second nature to me.
And I don't know why.

For example, when our project run into problems, I can easily put them at the back of my mind.
I don't know if I have little willpower or what... but whenever I see a complex problem to solve, I'll just put it aside and never try to solve it, be it homework or project work.

Maybe it's because I don't even trust myself.
And there are signs of this.
Whenever I found some web articles to analyse, usually my mind draws a blank...and even if I have form a certain views or impression about the article, I doubt myself whether my views would even be convincing to the others.
Whenever I found a way to solve a problem, I have doubts whether my concept of the topic is even correct.

Why why why?

perhaps it's sheer cowardice.
i see myself as such a weird person.
i don't seem to think like a normal person would.
i seem to have different understanding of a certain thing...sometimes very different from others.
most importantly, i don't dare to voice out.
i'm such a coward.

currently, my mind is in a turmoil and it's telling my to forget about doing my homework and just copy answers during tutorials.

tomorrow will be better.
tomorrow all lectures and tutorials would make me forget about the turmoil i'm going through now.
i'm just escaping from today.

it's hard to battle with my mind.



// Zoo! //

it has been a good five years since i visited that "only for children and tourists" place.
what can i say?
it's such a good break from the busy school life.

I don't really adore animals
but
it felt good
just walking among trees,
on the grasses,
admiring the flora and fauna,
inhaling the fresh air.

walking in nature has always been so relaxing.

not to forget, I simply love the GREEN-NESS of that place =D

//a pessimistic optimist//

Today's lessons ended rather early (so will tml, due to union's day)
and I had some time to think outside of physics and found the inspiration to blog a short entry.

Well, today's tech com class was rather embarrassing as I e-mailed a crap piece of in-text citations to the tutor (on behalf of the grp).
As we had not decide on the topic for the project, we actually wasted alot of time deciding the topic when we were supposed to do the citations.
Anyway, as I was typing for my life in order to hand up the piece of work, I read my friend's handwriting wrongly. (if only I had some common sense)
It was a rush as we were supposed to e-mail him and he would project his laptop screen and check his account in real time. (as such everyone can see your mistakes =S)
we were the last grp to hand in and made the most mistakes.
argh. I think the tutor will forever remember my name as I sent to him through my e-mail account.

it was also the first time lugging my laptop to sch.
as i wanted my bag to be lighter, i purposely did not bring my umbrella to school.
as you would have guessed, i was crossing my fingers and hoping it would not rain.
on the way back home, after alighting from the mrt, guess what- it was pouring so heavily at khatib-i was cursing my bad luck and decided to take shelter at the bus stop (with my 2.4 kg laptop) if it was still raining after my bus ride.
when the bus was near those factories at yck, it rained even harder and i thought i was destined to wait for the rain to stop.
BUT the weather is so unpredictable!
somehow, at the few bus stops before i alight, the rain suddenly trickled to a light drizzle.
Haha. imagine how glad I was!

Thought of the Day:

Life is like a bus journey.
there is no telling whether your destination is shining or raining.

//brain freeze//

year 2 subjects are oh-so-hard.
it's hard to figure out what the ms2002 lecturer is talking about.
it's difficult to draw free body diagrams for ms2005.
it's a daunting task to complete the ms2008 tutorial.
and I haven't got a single idea of how to do my ms2010 tutorial.

my mind seems to detach itself from all the engineering stuff.

it's currently full of Olympics events, senses and perception (psychology) and consumer/producer surplus. (yes it's back to econs after a 3-yr hiatus)

now I wonder why am I here in MSE.
gotta 're-discover' my motivation in coming here.