//aimless and tired//

i always admire people who know what they want to do with their lives.
determination is a quality i've always lacked.

of course there is another type of people who do not question about their aim in life.
after all, ignorance is bliss.
if you do not question, you do not even think about it.

thinking too much...that's always more of a bane than boon.
why am i here?
how did i get here?
why do i have to continue what i'm doing?

Successful people always say everything that happens in their life has its own purpose.
that's easy for them to say as presumbly they are already successful and satisfied with their lives.
how about me?
I hate to think that but it's so true.
I'm just living my life for the sake of survival.
Studying, travelling, tutoring.
Satisfying?
Tiring.
I'm living from day to day like a rock.

// an unfortunate event //

I guess most people must have heard of the ntu stabbing incident.
Bad news spreads really fast.
Yesterday, I was at the library when I overheard some people talking about it.
The time was only less than 2 hrs after the incident took place.
Ironically, the news did not came from the students themselves,
but from their friend who was watching Channel NewsAsia.
Ok, haha i managed to overheard quite abit but they were talking so loudly,
I think everyone else present heard everything they were saying.
Soon, it was all over the web, in forums, msn.com etc.

Of course this sort of incident will invite a lot of speculations and theories.
However, since the student in question is already dead, it's nearly impossible to find out the truth.
It could be that the student was especially stressed due to the final year project.
It's also a possibility that he was depressed or agitated due to certain reasons.
Since I heard that the student was on scholarship and the professor has always had
good relationships with students, the cause of this incident is really full of doubts.
Could it be that the prof impose too much pressure on this top student?
Could it be that the student bore grudges toward the prof?
Anyway, I believe his move was pre-mediated, from the very fact that he had
a knife with him.

As of all suicide cases, there are some questions I want to ask.
Why hadn't anyone, friend or classmate notice the student's strange behaviours?
Did anyone know that he was stressed, or feeling emotional unstable?
Had we, in the pursuit of academic excellence, failed to show more concern to our
friends and people around us?
If only someone had realise this, he could have been talked out of doing such
a deed.
Conversely, he could have vent his anger and emotions in other ways than
choosing such a path.
His life could have been saved, and his parents, spared the agony.
The prof would not have been injured.

// midterm crisis //



After one week of break, it's back to school, back to midterm quizzes.

Midterm crisis, how apt.

Somehow, i just lack the motivation to study for the tests.

Some people say the weightage of midterm is very heavy, while others do not really care.

30-50%

I think it depends on how well u can perform for the exams.

haha in my opinion, if you can create a miracle in the exams, then midterm does not really

matter.

which i can never create.



Anyway, the break wasn't really a rest week for me .

Except for going to the travel fair and k-box, i was either having project meetings

or tutoring.

Yes. haha anyone keen on a free and easy trip to japan/hk?

// projects n projects //

i need an idiot's guide to working with strangers.

// some form of respite //

it's finally recess week!

as much as i hate this sem to end so soon (due to the thought of exams),
i can't help but look forward to the recess week.

yesss!

at least there's time for me to decide how i should spend my 3 mths break.

worrying! what should i do?

// killer psych //

i'm not actually talking about the psyche of a killer here
but the midterm paper I just sat for.

i guess it's a case of bad luck.
i didn't bother to read up on the history of industrial psychology.
so how on earth would i know it originated from which person's talk.
and which american university is the first to offer it.
1909.
it's like one century ago!
i hope not many people have studied that too.
or else...
i hate think to of the consequences.

before this, i was wondering what kind of questions can appear.
now i get the idea.
why are we tested on such ancient facts that we'll never be able to regurgitate
after memorising them for the midterm and exam?

there's so much to memorise and my memory is really limited.

// Happy Valentine's Day //

i vaguely remembered when i was in primary school,
i had not known about V-day.
after all, feb 14 is not a designated public/school holiday,
so i think nobody in primary school would know abt it.

subsequently, in sec sch, jc even now, in uni,
V-day is more than just between lovers.
It's a sort of friendship day where friends exchange gifts
and well-wishers.
i think the main reason is that singles can celebrate as well.

regrettably, i'm not the sort who would (or could) buy chocolates,
bake cookies, write notes to my friends during this day.
it's not that i don't appreciate my friends but i have never felt
compelled to do something for them on V-day.
To put it in another way, it's just like how some people don't really care
about chinese traditions so they do not really celebrate cny but they may
be one of those who party till late on 1st Jan.

I'm one of those who take V-day just as any other as opposed to two
other groups of people:
1. those in relationships- hence they
practically honour V-day and help the now ailing economy for one day.
2. those who hate V-day, thinking it's a some sort of commercial scam,
eg. only fools would pay $10 or higher for one pathetic stalk of rose.
only the retarded would pay $188 for a dinner for two which is
usually priced much lower.
I read Phin Wong's column in 'Today' yesterday and apparently he
belongs to the latter group. He tried to defend himself from being accused
to be un-romantic.
It really tickles. haha.

// to believe in what you do //

sometimes the truth really hurts.
the reality is harsh.
i mean, i think i'm too idealistic for my own good.

if i'm in primary or secondary school,
then yes, having idealistic thinking is considered
a good thing.
it can ignite your imagination.
but as i'm edging towards the working world,
having such impractical thinking is more
of a bane than boon.
i can't think of any examples since i'm not working yet.
but i think my concern is really justified.

even now, in lectures, we learnt that
theory is different from real situations.
in theory, for easy understanding,
we always assume, for eg,
a material to be pure and free of impurities.
a crystal to be free of imperfections.
heat loss/gain by a system to be negligible.
pressure/volume of an ideal gas to be constant.

assumptions after assumptions.
if only life is that easy.

that's why when i was studying for my exams in yr 1,
i kept hypothesizng the different ways the questions could
twist and turn to become more difficult.
actually i ended up scaring myself for nothing.
nowadays i realise questions are getting more generic.
of course some prof will try to throw us off the track by
setting those kind of high level questions
similar to those that i hypothesized.
haha.
don't think that i can answer those questions.
cuz i actually do not know the answer to
those questions that i thought of.

from what i heard, ntu engineering courses are 'reputed'
to be practical in training right?
from what i learn, it is rightly so.
yes i believe it's a good thing.
but practical situations are really scary to deal with.

anyway, sometimes i envy those who can afford
to dream, immerse in unlimited possibities
and you know, indulge in idealistic thinking.
like my P6 tutee.
she: teacher, i know what i want to be next time.
me: what do you want to be?
she: i want to be engineer!
me: (speechless and stunned)
she: (without noticing how stunned i was)
seems like very cool leh!
You know, I watch the nine o'clock show, "未来不是梦"
I want to be like the people in the show.
me: (recovered from shock)
I never watch the show. But those people wear
masks ah, gloves one leh!
she: ya! looks very cool!
me: really meh?
you know, actually i'm studying to
become an engineer next time.
she: (it's now her time to be shocked)
Really ah?!
me: (gloomily) ya. maybe next time you can go university to study engineering.
(not wanting to throw cold water on her
by saying how i'm struggling to study at the moment)


her innocent thinking inspires me.
ignorance is a blessing.

//random musings of a depressed slacker//

i'm slacking.
ok, i'm leaving all my tutorials till tml.
haiz.
hopefully i'll have time.

seems like next week i'll have to start studying for the mid-terms.
totally depressing.

today as i was tutoring, a sudden thought came to my mind.
always pushing yourself to do things that you do not want to do.
is that called life?
you do not have a choice.

therein lies the contradicting thought.
even if i have a choice,
i do not know what to do with my time, my life.
aimlessly following the crowd.

now, i don't even find slacking that appealing.
i need some laughter,
just as depressed people do.

// 石欣卉 & 黃靖倫 campus concert //

these two local singers came to ntu for a campus concert,
and yea, i went.

imagine how long all of us had to wait before we could get seated!

anyway, the atmosphere wasn't exactly the best,
especially our section, erm.. it's like we're having lecture. lol.

both of them sang three songs individually.
石欣卉 - 女皇驾到, 我知道我变漂亮了, 无能为力
黃靖倫 - 月光 ,傻里傻气, 缺席

then they had a 一眼瞬間 duet.

haha i was planning not to join in yelling 'encore' cuz it was rather late already.
but since their fan club members were there, i don't think they had a choice.

so their encore was a shortened version 你最珍貴, acapella style.

of course, they had great voices but still, rather boring.

// hrm //

HRM lessons always get me thinking about the stuff
I wanted to do but have never got round to get to it.
Perhaps due to a lack of courage, time, opportunity
or all the above factors combined.

our lecturer is a business women who set up her own
training consultancy company.
she's always giving us encouragement like,
it's a good time for you to explore what you like
so that you can make good choices in your career
and not waste time like me, who spent a good
number of years in SIA before knowing what I
want to do.

I guess what she meant is to grab every chance
possible to try out stuff so that we can all find
our area of niche and interest.
Apparently, according to her, everyone has a unique
value proposition.
(Oops, this sounds like we're some market product or whatsoever.)

anyway, i'm beginning to realise that the content of my
core subjects are rather dry.
things like electrons and calculus are things I can't relate to.
in contrast, hrm and psychology are much easier to understand.
one exception though, i think i can still live with thermodynamics.
lol.
maybe i've found what i want to do.
which is not i'm training in.

// hidden mask //



Sometimes, I feel I'm wearing a hidden mask.

I don't know how people see me.

But I always hope to appear cheerful and easygoing.

Cuz I don't wish to burden anyone else with my troubles and insecurities.



Being a human, of course, there must be an outlet for this release of frustrations.

That's when this blog come in handy.

However, there are still certain things I won't publish.

Everyone has, secrets of their own.

Please don't reveal them.

Cuz that's what makes us unique.







i didn't dare to close my eyes.

cuz i'm afraid that once I close them,

the tears i struggled to prevent it from falling

will be shed

i don't want to cry.

cuz i have no idea what i'm crying for.

// a pricey cny //


CNY - It comes with pleasant things like getting hong baos,
eating new year goodies, and wearing new clothes.

At the same time, CNY, somehow also causes undue stress to people,
due to the need to do spring cleaning, whip up a sumptuous reunion dinner,
decorate the house, entertain guests.

Furthermore, it's a time for people to meet up with their relatives,
whether familiar or rarely met ones.
Perhaps for people with social phobia (like me), it's a form of stress.

In this year of economic downturn, I guess the stress adds on.
From my understanding, Chinese people are a bunch who really cares
about their pride.
That's why CNY is a time for some to flaunt their wealth by wearing
expensive gold and diamond jewellery.

It's also a time to show people the size of your house,
the excellent results of your children,
the amount of your year end bonus,
the luxurious car you possess,
and the lavish food you feast on.

Families affected by the economic crisis will have to worry about what to
say when they meet their relatives and friends.

But I do not deny that CNY is definitely something
to look forward to every year.

A festive season -yes
but it comes with a price.

// what time is it? //

I just came back from my religion's coming-of-age ceremony for 21 year-olds.
One piece of guidance struck me the most.

" If your life is represented by one day, meaning that 12 midnight
represents the time you are born and 12 noon is equal to forty
years of age, then, 21 year old means that the time is 6:15am.
It is the time, early in the morning when people just woke up.
A day just started."

Somehow, this makes me feel happy going on to 21 (even though there's still like 10 mths to my real 21st)

At same time, I am afraid that I will lose the ability to appreciate the little things in life
as I grow older.
Losing the sight of the beauty of life.
It's a terrible thing.

You'll think the whole world is against you and why your life is so hard.
You'll think you have given enough but not receiving the same.
You'll grumble about every single bad thing that happens to you,
no matter how minor.

While others saw a glass of half-filled water, you saw a half-emptied one.
When others saw clear blue skies, you said the sky is so bare.
Where others saw beauty, you saw nothing but ugliness.

You forgot how to give way to people, to tolerate others.
Just because you have more life experiences,
you are always right.
Sometimes, I feel older people like my mum falls prey to this kind of thinking.

I also went to IMH today.

At first, I was rather afraid of the patients there.
Before we stepped into the women's ward, when the nurse was explaining certain things to us,
I could see some of their faces through the transparent door.
A few were poking noses at the door, their hands in a "let me out!" position.
Hence they look quite intimidating.
However, after we entered the ward, I felt much better as many of them
were rather friendly and extended their hands to wish us Happy New Year.
One women was shouting "Party" because they were supposed to have a party tml.
Perhaps she thought the party came earlier.
Anyway, some were watching TV while the others sat around.
I did not really know how to communicate with them
But I was glad that there was totally no sense of dread, unhappiness or despair
in the room.
All of them were engaged in some activity or another hence the room was buzzing with noise.

But, how different are they from prison immates?
Of course they have nurses and psychiatrist to take care of their health.
Volunteers to shower them with care and concern.
But, they are part of the forgotten.
Forgotten by society.
Forgotten by their family and relatives.
Their perception of the world is only as big as IMH.
Even sadder, some might just commit suicide after hearing voices in their heads.
I wish I can do something for them, no matter how small.

We are really fortunate.

// thermodynamics //

the theory:

total entropy of the system and surrounding always increase.

how my prof explained it:

Let's say your room is initially very neat, everything is in order.
As days passed, it becomes messier, resulting in a disordered state.
This does not require any energy.
However, to make your room neat again, energy is required.
Anyway, as your room becomes messier and messier and messier, day by day.
One day, you cannot even tell the difference of the state of your room as compared
to yesterday.
Equilibrium state is reached.

All this while, I was imagining the state of my room.
lol.
imagine! you can't even tell how messy is your room
and that is called equilibrium state!

// singlish talking to english //

recently I noticed quite a number of angmohs in school.
I guessed they are exchange students from other countries.
So today, as I was in the queue for the veg stall,
the girl in front of me turned around and that was when I realised
she is one of those caucasians.
"Do you know what is the weekly special, 'Kway Chap'?" she said,
pointing to the menu signboard.
erm the way she prounced chap...well.. as in "What a nice chap!".
lol.
apparently she was taller than me, so I had to strain my neck to see
what it was.
"Oh! 'Kway Zaap'! That is pig's organs, like intestines.."
I thought I saw her turn a tad paler.
"But it's fake right?"
"Ya!"
"Is it made of tofu..and stuff?"
"Ya...I think it's made of tofu and...er what is that.. flour!"
"Thanks."
Haha. In the end, she didn't try that.
I think she opted for something more common.

// I don't want to be inFLUenced //

a random day, what can i say?

the flu-struck me initially decided to skip school.
but to do make up for lab would be too troublesome.
besides, my psych tutorial will be dividing into project groups.
hence it's a bad day to miss school.

anyway.
met a would-be intellectual tai-tai with her epiphanies.
quote: Not believing is a belief, It's a belief not believing.
lol.
interesting.

well, my psych group mates of course, expectantly, knew each other.
felt a bit out-casted cuz the everyone present is a psych major (either yr 2 or 3)
after careful evaluation, I had appealed for this mod cuz it:
1. Fits well in my timetable.
2. Seems interesting compared to the rest.
(its about job analysis and personnel assesment..HR stuff)
would it be stupid to drop this mod?
I dunno.
other than the fact that my goup members and I seem not be able to get along,
I am rather worried about how the exam format is like.
almost certainly, psych majors taking this mod have an advantage over the minority like me, who plans to take a minor.

in fact, I was too engrossed in making a decision that I actually
forgot to visit the clinic at ntu after class.


decision to be made by : 18th jan

// a reason to cheer! //

my sis got an A1 for chinese o level.
which means she can continue to take higher chinese.

my appeal for a psych module is successful!

//muttering to myself//

seems hard to get psych subjects.
that doesn't clash with my core.
haiz. dropped HP329.
hopes of getting HP314B is really really low.
anyway i wouldn't want to get caught in doing a boring psych module about asian psych..
all those mini projects and reports will definitely get me down.
no way.
wait for next sem?

// reverberating promises //

Perhaps it's the start of the year, that's why the words of my resolutions kept spinning in my mind.
I'm reminded of them every now and then.

Anyway, had a good badminton session today.
At least I still remembered how to serve and return the shuttlecock nicely.
Reminiscing about secondary school days makes me feel old.
Although I only shared half their memories.
It still feels I'm part of it.
Even though I may not play an important role in their lives.
I can still feel their longing for those good old days.

Sometimes, I wonder.
Of my friends.
Of my acquaintances.
Of the people whom I met once or twice.
Has my presence ever impact on their lives?
Or should I put it this way.
Have I ever made a positive impact on the lives of other people?

Afterall, most of the times, I have only appear in their lives once or twice.
At the most, a few years.
Even with those I have known for a number of years,
it doesn't matter if I am present.
Easily replaced.

Sad to say.
Causing zero impact makes me feels like not living for the past twenty years.
What have I been doing?
Except for worrying and taking care of myself.
And polishing off the world's resources.
The times to be self-centred has passed.
It's time to shower concern on other people.

Make an impact.
Initiate a change.

Meanwhile, I'm will also try to make positive changes to my GPA.