// some peace before the storm //

Some years ago, I always wondered why Singaporeans want to migrate to another country.
As I remember it, many of them would say life here is too stressful and fast-paced.
Well, at that time, the naive me didn't realise the reality of the situation.
Now, I can finally empathise with their feelings.

Education, which has occupied a large part of my life, is one area that sparked off this realisation.
Having spent years listening to teachers always struggling to 'catch up' with the syllabus, having been through countless cramming sessions (just to get those useless theories inside my head), it serves some sort of justification to those common complaints.

Why do kids hate exams so much?
Why do parents spend so much on getting the best tutor for their children?
At each stage of the education system, there is the most - feared national examination.
Some have liken it to a war.
Some have questioned the rationality of it.
Is it justified to judge the amount and depth of learning of a student simply by a one-off examination?
I can't help but think that those students who got eliminated in the process could have gotten a chance to proceed on if they had been given more liberty in terms of learning pace.
No doubt Singapore has to progress. Society and standard of living has to improve.
But if it's at the expense of the mental and psychological wellness of young students, I would think it's a high cost.
Anyway, the focus on academic success tend to overshadow other aspects, like moral ethics.
Students nowadays might be well-versed in many subjects, with credit going to the education system, but are their moral compasses pointing in the correct direction?

Maybe it's just me.
Sometimes I just feel everything is proceeding at a very fast pace.
There is no time to delve deeper into the stuff we learn, no time to reflect.
So many things to cope with, so little time.
This has inculcated a habit of 'just learn those that will be tested' such that some people who chose to learn more are at a disadvantage, especially if those who possess an average intelligence.
It just seems that only the more gifted can have the privilege to learn more than is required while those will average intelligence are expected to learn just what is required, especially if they want to get a decent grade.

Anyway, it is now the period before exams.
the peace before the storm.
the time when i cannot feel more relieved.
with fyp out of sight (for now), it's time to take things slow.
i've realised that learning at my own pace is the most enjoyable thing.
however, it's very much slower than the rate we are supposed to go.
hence, the inevitable last minute cramming just before the exams.

// dream interpretation//

Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew or gnaw.
in this regard, teeth symbolizes power.
And the loss of teeth in your dream maybe from a sense of powerless.
Are you lacking power in current situation?
Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across.
You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard.
You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life.
This dream is an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the importance of what you say.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
dreaming about falling teeth is a vivid nightmare.
ugly, yellow shrunken tooth falling out one-by-one.
you try to stop the rest from falling out but can't.
you can't control it.
you feel powerless.

//nothing's definite//

seems like i need to convince myself that each and every small step i take is towards clearing the mountain-high pile of work i've owed.

one step taken is one step forward.
not backward.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
// luck//
sometimes you feel lucky to get into a train just in time.
sometimes you feel unlucky cuz you just missed a train.
sometimes you feel heaven must be playing a joke on you when you did not miss any bus at all but still had to wait a long time for one.

sometimes you feel irritated when you were rushing home and yet someone had decided to block the right hand path (of the escalator)
but you'd definitely feel lucky that you were slowed down when lightning just struck 3 steps in front of you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
//getting over it//
avoidance is moving forward,
not backward.
i will do better next time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
// the truth//
sometimes, knowing the truth about yourself might not be the best thing.
esp if you can't cope with the truth.
knowing one's own strengths might lead one to be overconfident or arrogant.
knowing one's own weaknesses is detrimental to one's self-esteem.
perhaps i'm just not mature enough to handle it.
so much so that i have lost the ability to paint the facade of self-confidence,
that had once fooled many.

everybody has been too kind to me. why do i feel that? have i been too unkind to myself? yet, i'm doubting their kindness because of doubts in myself. 我一直在问自己，我有那个能耐吗？ whatever the case, even though i lack intrinsic motivation, i'm going to draw strength externally, from their encouragement. i might fail myself but i cannot fail them. 无论结果，我不能辜负他们的期望，一定要努力到最后，最后。

//短暂的努力// I can't sustain my efforts to work hard! Sometimes I think nothing can save me alr. At this time, I ought to be thinking about where I want to go next. So my mentor ask, what's next after NTU? Truth be told, I'm not sure. I have alr postponed the decision for 6 years. Friends who went to poly have alr chosen their career path ages ago. Even those who went JC had an inkling of the ultimate goal they were working towards, sure, in the course of these 6 yrs, their goal might have changed. But at least they had one. Friends whom, like me, had no idea what they want, have now found their calling. I seemed to be the last person in the graduating batch who is still lost. Now that I realise it, I only have two options. Option 1: Keep applying for jobs of any nature, as long as they want my degree and I don't mind the job Option 2: Wait till after graduation, take a break to think of what's next. Of course, option 2 seems like ideal. Since a job/career is for life, it is a major decision that warrants serious consideration. But the disadv is that I might be stuck with nothing once the hiring period hits off-peak. Or even worse, I still cannot make up mind. Dear me, what shall I do. Now, I totally understand how one of my friend (who grad last yr) feels. And my escapism streak struck again. I understand the psychological theory behind it but I can't even cure myself. Such a lousy, ill-disciplined lazy bum, I am. Maybe I should see a shrink. Then, I keep thinking of my strengths... to be truthful to myself I have none. The things I like to do... imagining things, dreaming about crazy ideas, observing people, spewing sarcasm and blogging. It doesn't even fit any type of job. Sometimes, I dream too much. So much so that I've kind of lost touch with reality. I've lost common sense. I've lost the ability to listen to people. I've lost the trust in myself. I dunno what's my purpose in life. I'm hanging on because of family and friends. Never for myself. I'm driven by deadlines and routines. Not beacause of passion. And I think, that's pathetic, right? I dunno, the so-called interest that I have, did it come right from the heart, or i convinced myself that it is. It has been almost a year, and when I took out those stuff I wrote, I felt utterly useless. I have not changed a single bit. I had cleanly forgotten those advice. I have not taken a single action/step to change for the better. I'm still the lamb/ the rabbit/ the weakling. Waiting to be devoured by the fitter lot. I think, my life is in disarray. And I'm the one who caused it to become like that.

It's soon gonna be over. Hope I can make it through!!! What with a million things to do. A zillion lectures and tutorials to catch up. I need some intrinsic motivation. It's the final turn. Do it or break it. Arghh I cannot afford to slack anymore, my classmates were appalled when I revealed the amount of lectures and tutorials I have to catch up. All thanks to fyp. Out of 5 modulus I have for examination this semester, there are already 2 which I have absolutely, 100% no idea what had been taught. Those two modules were practically 'non-existent' (at least in my mind) since the beginning of the semester as I had 'borrowed' the time to do my fyp. Now, it's payback time. Utterly bitter, gruelling payback time. 40 days to the ULTIMATE freedom. less than a month to start of exams. now, that's some form motivation or you might say...some reason for panic! =S

i guess the worst is over... i guess...

i deserved it. for slacking too much. i just hope i can make it through. if i don't, it'll be my own fault. no one else to blame.

幸福的定义对每个人不同。而且还会随时间和场合改变。
在九级大地震和海啸发生前， 对日本人而言，幸福的来源或许就是拥有最新颖的科技产品，在科技上有什么突破。
但现在，对流离失所的他们而言，幸福就是能再重返家园，回到自己的安乐窝。
可想而知，那是不可能的。反而，寒冷的气候和电源短缺雪上加霜。
也许，人唯有在艰难时，才领悟，其实幸福就是那么简单。
但是，当人们每天都处于那所为“简单幸福”的状态时却不从觉得幸福，反而可能有许多埋怨。

对我而言，幸福就是。。。拿着一个饭盒，坐在电视机前，什么都不想，毫无烦恼忧虑的尽情享受电视节目。

简单吧？

//solitary mutter//

at the end of the day, you realise that the only person on earth that can really help you is yourself.
yet, it is the most difficult task ever.
yes it sounds ironic.
after all, it is you who know your own limits, your preferences, your temperament.

It is precisely because of the fact it is only you who have a chance at solving the actual problem that it is difficult.
Especially if you are a weakling.

// some form of respite //

It's finally recess week.

Ok, so I've rather slack the week before, cuz my lab meeting presentation was finally over on 4 Mar!

Then my cousin and cousin-in-law came over to stay at my house as they wanted to tour Sg over the weekend.

Anyway, becuz of the concert I was due to go, I didn't really bring them around.

In spite of this, they had no problem finding their way in Sg with the directions I gave them.

Anyway, my cousin-in-law even bought a coach handbag from ion and my parents were passing some remarks about being materialistic.

To the working class, it seems like owning something branded is a must, no?

But to the older generation it just seems like frittering away hard-earned money.

Anyway, I dun tink we are in a position to comment.

After all, one spends his/her money on whatever he/she deems fit, which others might not agree on..but it's none of their business anyway.

Back to the concert, even though I was the one who wanted to go for JJ's concert, I think my sis is more excited than me. She listened to his songs non-stop a few days before the concert haha.

My mum thought I would have insomnia after the concert.

Fat hope, I was extremely exhausted from tutoring and also preparing for my presentation a few days earlier.

Smudge - The fashion line founded by JJ


Waiting in anticipation!

The show!

It was a 3hr show and according to some sources he sang 35 songs.

Well, i think it was quite a mad rush, yet he didn't sing some of the songs I hoped he would.

Most of the songs were upbeat numbers where he had to dance and sing simultaneously like a energy bunny.

Though his vocals were somewhat compromised due to the multi-tasking, it was still very good, without missing a note or beat.

The only thing was that the fast and loud music kind of overpowered his voice.

And he got super duper high when Jam Hsiao appeared and they sang Michael Jackson's Black or White.

Of course neither could be compared to the great MJ but it showed the rocker side of him.

The ballads, on the other hand, were flawless and touching.

In my opinion, his piano performance was rather short but it was a highlight as he sang 'Home' and the screen flickered to Kit Chan, who stood up and applauded him.

Cool and sleek during dance numbers, warm and relaxed on the piano, funny and hyper with Jam Hsiao, emotional and touching during ballads.

Different faces of JJ, bright lights, fireworks, coupled with outrageous costumes typical that of Chinese musicians and heartfelt words of thanks towards his family, mentors, colleagues and fans.

It was definitely worth watching.

P.S It was quite surprising to see, with the exception of a few rows, most of the people sitting near us were actually some older people who looks to be in their mid to late 30s.

Also, Ang Junyang and Candyce were just a row away from us.

//OVERWHELMED//

I hope I can pull through.
There is tons to do.

Next week is a terribly busy week.
Experiments due.
Cell culture.
Engineers & Society meeting
Psych class debate meeting
Psych research project meeting
Visiting Prof meeting
2 days of career fair.

-FAINTS-

Let me see if I still have time to attend lectures and tutorials. =/

What's making it worse is the need to prepare some research material for the meetings.
I don't even have time to do my fyp lit rev,
start writing my fyp report,
or do my presentation slides.
Much less to research on some space shuttle disaster 20-odd years ago
or on some psychology model and findings.

Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying my psychology module.
One of our class assignment was to take the Myer-Briggs Type Indicator test and the Big 5 personality test.
Well, to me it's interesting.
I realise I am still an INPF at heart.
Introverted iNtuitive Perceiving Feeling.
But I have become more of a Thinking type than Perceiving type after entering uni.
It's the influence from all those engineering courses I presume.
At times, I actually get INTP instead.
Anyway, I'm side-tracking already.
The point is I have to read psychology journal articles for the project!
Not again.
I had a horrible experience with writing a psych lit rev previously.
Sure, journal articles across different disciplines definitely would have some similarities.
Trust me, those similarities ends at the abstract and intro section.
That's all.
I could barely comprehend their methods section, and their results and discussion sections looks like greek to me.

-BOO-

Sometimes I think I have no common sense.
Ok, actually most of the time.
I misinterpret my mentor's verbal instructions.
I couldn't catch up with her fast pace.
The consequence?
Countless times of re-doing experiments.

-DOUBLE BOOS-

//The new year question: How to start?//

For the past few days since 1st Jan, I've been searching through my mind.
Searching for new year resolutions I can make.
Sadly, I found none.

What do I hope to achieve this year?
I have no idea.
I think 'hope' is the best word to describe this especially if you know you wouldn't be able to accomplish the resolutions you made.
At the beginning of every year most people are fresh and invigorated, the stipulated public holidays undoubtedly playing a part.
More so, i believe, however, is due to the works of the mind.
A new year presents new hopes, new wishes, new challenges, as the cliche goes.
As I see bright and fresh faces around, I knew many are still holding on to the cliche mindset.
I was one of those last year, last last year, and many many years before.
This year, an entrance to the new year or new decade, however, has greatly diminished in its significance to me.
It's just another day when the clock struck twelve, a time that signals near bedtime.
Maybe, just for a second I feel blessed and grateful for my family and friends to enter the new year.
2011.
I can't help but feel it's just another number, another date.

All the hopes we have, the resolutions we set, january sets off positive thoughts in the mind, giving invisible strength to the minds of people, making them believe they can accomplish whatever they wished.

If that is so, then what is reality?

//bidding farewell to an eventful year//

2010.
In 2009, I remembered I had happily set great expectations for the new year.
And I vaguely still remembered my resolutions.
So unlike me.

Anyway, 2010 had been really eventful compared to previous years.
And I would always remember the disappointment, the period of darkness.
Not only that, but also, the time when I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
The blessing in disguise.

Even though there are some things we wished wouldn't have happened.
Certain things that left an imprint on one's life. on the lives of many others.
Things we regretted.
Things that no one could have prevented.

Yet, to be able to enter another new year itself, is already a blessing.
Also, to be able to steer away from negative thoughts and stay optimistic is, indeed a sign of maturity.
So, why hold on to the unhappy past?

I will remember year 2010 as an eventful year, yes.
A year of painful lessons.
With a happy ending.

// super bad feeling //

It is a bad feeling when you are stuck in a question.
A question which had appeared in the tutorial.
A question which looked extremely familiar.
A question which you had attempted twice previously.
Except that it did not evoke the recall of the answer or steps on how to do it at the most crucial time.
None at all.
I always fell at the most crucial time.
I wonder why.

What makes it worse, is when people discuss their answers after the exam.
when you have none to talk about.
once again, I've fallen prey to the incorrigible bell curve.
everyone else please thank me for supporting all of you.
becuz i'm at the bottom.

two more to go,
i wish time pass faster so that i can get out of this.
and get temporal escape before reality sinks in.
very tempted to abandon the remaining two papers.
since hopes of pulling up the grade is already zero.
but i know, if i don't at least attempt to give what i can,
it will prick my conscience.

the most i can is to give a feeble attempt at maintaining the status quo.
which is getting harder by the year/semester.

// beating the exam blues //

Looking forward!=D

5 more days to 4 consecutive days of hell.

不是我喜欢熬夜，只是夜越深越人静，脑袋越清醒。

// a failure is a lesson to remember //

usually communication subjects are supposed to pull our gpa up.
not for me this sem.

no matter how many times people tell me it's only 2 aus.
telling me it's over and done with.
the scar is still there.
in my life.

yesterday was our prof comm presentation in the afternoon,
i have no idea why, but in the morning i was already feeling restless and out of sync.
i just didn't want to be there.
'performing in front of a crowd'
and pretending i was so well-versed in something i didn't.
my mind just couldn't recall the script i so gruellingly crafted.

i spent hours willing my mind to absorb what i need to say.
i tried to motivate myself, even almost to the point of threatening that my grade for this module would suffer if i did not put on a good presentation.
but nothing worked.

when i stood in front of the class, i wasn't really scared as i saw familiar faces.
after my introduction, the very first paragraph of my script, i saw the tutor , who was sitting right under my nose, looking up at me.
that instant my mind went blank.
totally.
i couldn't even recall a single word that came next.
then, i had to crept back to the table where my friend, the next speaker was, to peep at the script.
btw she was helping me to click my slides.
when i did so, i thought i heard some gasps from the audience.
maybe it was a figment of my imagination.
when i resumed, it was totally nerve-wrecking.
to the point that i FORGOT AGAIN.
and crept back for help.

i couldn't believe what i was doing.
i looked down at the floor, and looked at the tutor who was busy scribbling comments.
And I thought. Can i just say CUT and start over again?
i couldn't believe i was throwing my grades away.
And the next moment, i looked up at the audience.
but strange enough, i couldn't see their expressions even though i was looking at them.
except, maybe, for this guy i didn't know well, who was sitting directly in front of me, and just so happened to be at my eye level.
he gave me a very encouraging look, imperceptibly nodding his head.
i was very grateful.

but deep down inside, i was thinking, is this really happening?
it really felt dream-like, no, more like a nightmare.

pulling myself away from the thought of burying myself into the ground (and there was no way to),
i struggled on, speaking at bullet-train speed in order to beat the time limit.
Finally i finished on time.
And passed to the next speaker.
And because i was so out of sync, i also screwed up when i helped the next speaker to click her slides.
Argh.

the very first time i truly wanted to bury myself in the ground.
yet after the presentation, i had to continue to pretend nothing had happened and answer questions from fellow classmates during Q&A.

after the session, the speakers stayed back for feedback session from the tutor.
as expected, i had very poor feedback.
at least she didn't lambasted me.
but she did reprimand me for memorising my script word-for-word.
and she said something, which gave me a new perspective.
Public speaking is actually multi-tasking.
It's something i have never thought of.

After which, i had to go for the monthly fyp research group meeting, hence i didn't have time to lament to my classmates, who were going for dinner.
After the meeting, i had a call from them, they wanted to meet me at the mrt stn to take the mrt together.
Which was rather atypical of them.
I knew, they were concerned.
we chatted mindlessly about everything and anything except the blotched presentation.

when i closed my eyes, a few drops of water squeezed out.
i knew it wasn't because of the sadness i felt cuz at that point in time, the only feeling i had was still shock.
it was because my eyes were weary.
i was feeling tired, and my mind totally exhausted.
This week, these four days, i guess... i was overwhelmed with 2 tests and 2 fyp meetings with prof and this presentation.

Anyway, I have learnt to be wiser.
1. To get enough sleep.
Sleep consolidates memory. I had only around 5 hours of slumber the previous days and that probably explain why i wasn't in the right state of mind.
2. Not to over-memorise and over-rehearse.
Simple reason, fatigue takes away all the enthusiasm from a presentation.
3. Put cue words on the powerpoint slides.
It helps when you are stuck. It gives you some form of assurance before presentation.

//fell flat on the face//

i hate the feeling of zoning out at the most crucial moment.
all preparations have come to naught.

it's hard to be someone you are not.
it's hard to put on a pretence.
to put on a brave front when you are timid.
is the hardest thing to do.

2010 is seriously unbearable for me.
i have been putting up with these nonsense since Jan.
bad things happening one after another.
i have had enough.

exams in 8 days' time.
can't bring myself to study.
afterall, anything i do won't pull my gpa up anymore.
so why bother?
why do i still subject myself to such stress?
just feel like quitting school altogether..

//should i?! //

// life is about removing obstacles//

In life, the amount of obstacles can perhaps, be illustrated by an exponential curve.
For now, I think I'm somewhere near the part of the curve where the gradient is maximum.
Great, it means there's even more to come.
At least, I predict that initial steps into the working world would coincide with the point of steepest gradient.

Somehow, I feel students are still more fortunate than working adults, as we are still given the chance to make errors and most importantly be forgiven.
As we still have the right to request for things we need, which the school would provide us with.
As least, for my school, it works this way.
In future, I can't imagine how difficult life would be, with more exposure to the ugly side of human nature.

Recently, I met some obstacles, some of which I managed to resolve with immense patience. Imagine 50 tries (or it might be even more, I can't remember) for an online test, unitl the time I managed to get 85% correct for all the questions.
Even if I didn't manage to do it before the deadline, I know that I can always request for a longer deadline or seek help from peers.
I guess, the satisfaction of passing the test on my own is enticing.

For some other greater obstacles, well all I had to do was to ask around and fortunately I asked the 'correct' people who were kind enough to point me to the correct source, without any sign of impatience. I kept reminding myself not to take their kindness, even in the smallest way, for granted.

Another thing I felt I did right is dealing with some psych group mates.
It all began when we had to do a group presentation on a paper and my group consisted of 2 psych majors and 1 exchange student.
Well, thanks to the exchange student who apparently overslept, we were not able to proceed with the presentation on the day itself.
The prof kindly asked if we want to continue without her part or present the week after, without any penalisation.
Without even consulting my opinion, the 2 of them told him next week, in addition, becuz the exchange student will be going off for her trip around SouthEast Asia, we would need to re-divide our parts in order to cover her part.
Days passed and I did not hear from the 2 of them about how to redistribute our parts.
4 days before the presentati0n, I e-mailed both, suggesting a way to redistribute the parts, but did not get a reply.
Finally, on the night 2 days before the presentation, I smsed one of them.
And she said she had decided how to go about it and had told the other in the morning of that day.
I was the third speaker and the exchange student was supposed to be the last speaker, they had decided to push back the sequence such that one of the parts originally covered by me would be given to the second speaker while I would retain the other part plus, take on the part which was originally the exchange students'.
The reason why I had to cover her part: Both of them are busy with quizzes.
Imagine my horror!

Well, I know that being psych majors who have to present for almost every module, last minute, impromptu presentations are a small feat for them.
I was aghasted by the fact that they generalise their ability to engin students, or students like me.
Also they simply assumed that I'm more free than them.
Or that I'm a total pushover.

Anyway, I definitely couldn't take that lying down, and tried my best to explain objectively (it was really difficult, with mounting anger) to them.
The main point being that I wouldn't have minded to take on an extra part if they had told me earlier, as I wasn't a good speaker and needed time to prepare.
But since they 'assigned' it to me one and a half days before the presentation, I have no choice but to take it, regardless if I had a quiz on the very next day.
Luckily, my words appealed to their sympathy or perhaps fear that I wouldn't do a good job and drag the group down.
In the end, the one who selected this topic decided to cover the extra part instead.

Anyway, I'm still amazed by how some people can just push work to other people.
Since they did not insist on pushing it to me, I guess, they weren't really that bad.
I'm sure I have not seen the worse.