Year of Change

It's been a long time since I last visited this place.
Anyway, I came to realise that no matter how busy I am, I would usually blog at the start of a new year.
Sustaining this throughout the year, though, is another thing altogether.

I guess I would aim for one entry per month though, to reflect on certain aspects of my life and certain happenings. Another driver would be to keep my writing standards from dropping.
Undoubtedly in work, I do utilize my writing skills, by sending out plenty of emails and doing up a few presentations here and there, but that's definitely very different from what I have enjoyed doing during English lessons back in the school days.

I guess I am pretty much someone who is motivated by the fruits that comes from my own labour. By that, I don't mean results per se. Sure, I have enjoyed Math because it was really satisfying when I managed to get the correct answer. I preferred free writing as opposed to comprehension (which had definite answers), especially when I thought of a phrase or a sentence that is very apt to express my idea or analogy.

After stepping into the working world for 3+ years, the fact that one wouldn't get as much free play in work compared to when in school had settled in my mind. The rules of the game has certainly increase, and what makes it much worse are the unspoken rules. I am very much fortunate that thus far I have not severely offended people or become victimized, despite my blur and slow nature.

Many said it before, the only constant is change. There are many types of changes, whether it is anticipated or unxpected, foreseen or unforeseen. The Year of Change, as titled, suggested that I foresee upcoming changes due to the unexpected leaving of my boss.
Even though sometimes I do have my reserves about my boss's decisions, things almost always ended with a happy ending, mainly due to her experience, which honed her foresight.
It is definitely a loss, yet signifies a change as well.
Totally unrelated, but my job scope for 2+ years is changing in this year as well.
If this hadn't change, I would be more at ease despite the change of boss, as she had provided me ample guidance in my current role.
Now, it's as if walking into that darkness again, without any light or beacon.

Aspirations

Came across an interesting article today which provided food for thought, it is in Chinese, roughly translated as: if pay is disregarded, what would you choose to work as?

Reading the title instantly led me to recall my childhood aspirations, however with deeper thoughts, I realize it is not really about that, but more of your preferences as a working adult, assuming money is a limitless resource.

Since young, we've been consumed by this idea that the main purpose of working is to make money.

Our parents work to bring the bacon home, as well as to buy us the latest toys.

It is no wonder that many young aspirations are lawyers, doctors, actors, and the like.

Imagine you trying to tell your primary school classmate that you aspire to be a bus driver ( due to some obsession with automobiles) or an artist ( because you love to draw), what reaction will you get?

No offense here, but even at a young age, we know which jobs brings the most money and/or most prestige.

"If pay is disregarded, what would you choose to work as?" naturally should be the question fresh graduates or young working adults should ask themselves.

Having experience or having heard of experiences of various jobs, one would be in a better position to gauge their own likes or dislikes in a job, as well as their inclinations towards certain things or the absence of it.

Many people complained everyday about their jobs, yet most do nothing about it, because of? Money? Prestige? Bound by financial commitments? Inertia to change?

Some report must have been done on this and I am curious what's the top Pareto.

If I were one of the surveyed, I will be torn between the first and the last option. Much as I hate to admit, the real reason would be the inertia to change. However, on first thought, I will probably put money as the answer as my preferred job would definitely pay lower than the current. I wonder if I belong to the majority or minority.

Uninspired

Recently, frustrations towards people and things have cluttered up my mind. The daily affairs have again bogged down my mind, totally uninspiring. It seems as if the only aim for today is just to get to tomorrow. 

2013 was the year when it all started. 2014 it started to worsen.

Micro-managing, that is.

It seems like chasing after people for deadlines and highlighting other people's issues is even more valued than performing the actual work itself.

Ignorance, I found out, is a double edged sword, it works well on most occasions and yet can cut you back the wrong way on rarer occasions. 

Thinking about this has already sapped away my energy. 

It's tiring to face challenging tasks, and yet even more exhausting to face challenging people.

It's no wonder I have been feeling worn out. Every morning, it is a struggle to wake up, despite a good seven hours of uninterrupted sleep. My brain tells me that I am void of energy every time the alarm or snooze comes on.

Out of desperation, I have gotten myself some self-help books.

Hopefully, I can gain some inspiration, as well as some help on time management to tackle the challenging "things" in order to overcome the challenging "people".

Willpower, where have you gone to?

It feels as though I am slipping away from the rest of the humanity.

The invisible wall seems more well-guarded than usual.

There is so much grudges and disgust towards some that I have to will myself to let it go.

No matter how good one's temper appeared to be, it is never proven until one's tolerance limits is tested.

Desperately needing to find the centre of my life back and not be swayed by unworthy events/people.

:(

looking forward

Considering that it is now mid-feb, It seems late to start a post about 2014.
But being a person with little conscious for time, it just felt like the right time to write about it.
After all, the beauty about humans being different individuals is that we all have different background, experiences, ideas, opinions, and even the sense of time.
Some people might feel having been one and a half months into the year, they have already planned out what they wanted to do in this year, and perhaps, have completed one or two things in their bucket list.

I am glad that for most people whom I know, the start of the new year is a rather slow period, mainly on enjoying the festives, setting goals & resolutions for the next 12 months ahead.
For the past few years at least, it wasn't the same for me.
From as far back as I can remember, 2010 till this year, the start of the new year had always present itself with lots of changes, challenges and disparaging facts to grapple with.
For the past few years, December has more or less been a good month, with the nice feeling hangover to the turn of year.
Then, mid/end January has always been the start of all troubles.
Needless to say, for the past few years,  I have not fully experience the festive mood of the CNY.

Anticipating the work trip in January, I thought this year would be different, however it did not seem so. The work trip overall was great, but being just a week before CNY, I did not participate in the usual CNY preparations as I would in the past years. Therefore it seemed a little strange to be back with all the new year goodies arranged neatly and all the boisterous red deco out to welcome visitors.
The jetlag wasn't the worse, it was about being lagging in absorbing the CNY festive mood.

Then came the bulk of my troubles.
Returning to work on CNY saw tons of issues happened during the holidays and happening right then. Those drained my energy totally and I fervently hope that all these will never happen again

I have indeed become more cautious about the early months of the year, as each year, something different and drastic happens and making me lose faith in the meaning of a 'Happy' new year.
On the other hand, the year is still long and unpredictable ahead, perhaps and hopefully the followings months will be more smooth-sailing.

It is now mid-Feb, I finally had time to put things into my bucket list for the new year.

1. Find back my faith! Everything that happens has a meaning.
2. Travel! Each journey has its own meaning. You will not know it until you start the first step.
3. Work! Think clearly, filter out the noise, focus on the right things & strive towards improvement
4. Show more concern and help to people around me. They exist for a purpose. Cherish them.
5. Do more of what makes me happy. Eat, play, jog, blog.
6. Work slowly but steadily towards the ultimate goal. Slow and steady towards fulfilling the vision that is in my mind.

终于体会真心与假意的差别。

诚意回报真心、虚伪应对假意、

再贴切不过了。

刚刚才想对身边的人好，却是那个人要离开的时候。

这种情况一次一次像历史重演，终于体会到什么叫做遗憾。

就算在再怎么珍惜，倒头来还是会失去。

Struggling to keep head above waters

我只想一直继续奔跑，不被任何事或人阻挠，不用费心思考，就单纯的为自己奔跑。

Losing grip of things, losing track of changes, the line of sights to objectives have been blurred by too much negativity, suspicions and unease.

What is my aim?
Where is the focus?
I have subjected myself to be controlled by the environment.
Confused, even frightened, a whole range of mixed feelings had overtaken the common senses, so much so that many silly mistakes and oversights have been made and I have to pay for them.

Perhaps it's an instinct of humans, that too much of something will cause one to react in the opposite way.
I can't shed a tear or feel sad for something I ought to be.
I don't feel anxious by all the workload even though everyone said I am overloaded.
Numbed by too many mixed emotions, emptiness because changes and new info came in too quickly before the old ones are being entirely absorbed.
Sometimes, I wished I cannot feel and cannot think.

Maybe it's due to feeling too much and thinking too much, the opposite had resulted.
Entirely voided of emotions, logic and positivity...
Which nothing else can hurt.

放下。
是忘了，没时间思考，还是无奈？

Sometimes I wonder if I am born with the mind of a rebel.
Sometimes I am just utterly disgusted by how societal norms have shaped people's minds.
Having money and status doesn't give one the right to control people.
Having beauty and brawn doesn't mean one is more attractive than the others.
What's even more frustrating is that people are conforming to these, fueling more cases of injustice.

If you think you can control people just because of your higher position, you are only half right.
Because those people who can be controlled by you are the fair-weathered bootlickers who can just as easily trounce on you when you are down one day.
If you think you can attract more people just because of better appearance, you are also only half right.
Because those who are attracted to you are superficial suitors who can change their hearts as easily because they only know love as deep as the skin is.

Self-proclaimed gurus who declare working towards a higher societal status and the perfect bod represents success in career and relationships are totally mind-boggling.

What comes first?
Success or happiness?
To paraphrase, is success an indicator of happiness or happiness is an indicator of how successful you are?
It is obviously the latter.
Much have been said about how wealthy people do not feel happy, the most wealthiest nation in the world is (surprising ly?) not the happiest.
Happiness, of course is related to contentment.
Why?
Simply because there are endless material pursuits and countless temptations in the modern world.
It all depends on how much you need to be contented.
And when is the day when you finally decided, I am thankful that I have all that I need, and do not have all that I don't need.
It all boils down to the individual.
Hence, happiness really, comes from within.
You don't need someone or something to feel happy.

Well, you might say that I am wrong.
After all, when I see that someone or when I lay my hands on something, I feel happy, ecstatic, euphoria.. whatever level of happiness that is.
But have you ever thought about how temporal the happiness was?
I used to feel happy seeing him/her.. now not so much.
I used to wear this pair of shoes everyday, until I got bored of it.
Probably sounds familiar.
Clearly, the happiness brought to you wasn't lasting.
It could be even worse, when you fail to get what you want, and it caused you misery instead.

True happiness, as what I have learned from my religion, isn't as fleeting as this.
True, eternal happiness is attainment of enlightenment.
However, attaining enlightenment is indeed very profound and difficult to understand.
Before I get to understand, I suppose, we should always try to find the source of happiness within ourselves, and from what we have, or had.
The sort of happiness that nobody can take it away from us and nothing can affect us.

It's when people are faced with danger then will they crave for the routine and mundane lives.
平安是一种看不见的幸福。
Just because it is intangible, many a times, we took its existence for granted.
An incident or two gives us a reminder.

Reminders come at a price.
Sometimes you lost something, gain something, sometimes you don't, sometimes you wished it didn't happen, sometimes you wished it wasn't you.
But it has happened and all you hoped for is the ultimate thing you want to hold on to, your dear life and health.
Things that you have once guarded securely, like wealth, love, career, recognition wasn't in your mind or prayers.

It feels good to be back to my routine and boring little existence.

你不会懂我
旅行的意义。

Have a little faith:)

I had always thought that I have a relatively good grasp of understanding human behaviour.
How naive I have been. My so-called good understanding might as well be limited to human beings who are 15 year olds and below.
For people after that age, my understanding of them is just an inverse exponential graph vs their age.

Especially after stepping into the working world, the biggest realisation is probably the fact that many things cannot be taken at face value.
Unknowingly, many people had signed up for a role in this stage, having to put on a mask or a show, for many reasons, mainly for personal interests.

Thankfully, all packages comes in good and bad forms.
The bad motivates us to be stronger and better at dealing with setbacks, a more compassionate heart, as well as reminds us not to become like them.
Needless to say, the good provides us comforting thoughts that there are like-minded comrades who works solely for the purpose of improvements and lends a hand to you when in need.
Not to mention that these are the trustworthy people whom you can divulge grievances as well as share new ideas and ask for opinions freely.

Soon it will be two years working as an engineer, it has widen my perspectives and allow me to gain much insights of the work.
Learning is a never ending journey, we are always learning to improve. Humankind is not as weak as I had thought, after all.
Everyone has the ability to bounce back, though resilience varies from person to person. Each individual's way of getting back to where they were before the setback is also different.

I always had this conflicting thought: What makes a good decision?
To raise an everyday example, while deciding what to eat for lunch, should we cave in to our cravings or choose something that is known to be good for the body?
Should we wear something according to our moods or don on something that is known to be acceptable for the particular occasion?
Should we study/find a course/job of our interest or to study/find a course/job that everyone else think would have more market value?
Should we voice out what we think is right or speak in the same voice as everybody else?
Congats to you if you do not have the same dilemma as me.
How lucky is that!
Most of the time, I am inclined towards the first reaction.
Block the external voices, disregard those absurd norms, dispel the societal myths.
Listen to your mind, your body, your inner voice for the answer to the most complex questions.
Stay true to yourself.
Follow the guidance from the religion to make the wise decision.
Have a little faith, 'cuz you live your own life, and nobody else's.

花了好长的时间
终于看清
终于想清

人生不应该像喝酒一样
天天陶醉
天天逃避
酒醒后，
必须面对事实时，
无比痛苦。

我越是看清，
你转身离开的背影就越模糊。

你帮我做的选择，
戒了酒
改喝咖啡。

人生的确比较像喝咖啡一样
一开始的第一口，苦的要命
接下来就能品尝到其中的浓郁芳香，
苦后的香甜。

原来，
我还是比较喜欢一个人过
对爱情有期盼但没渴望
自由还是最享受。

原来结束并不可怕
可恶的是当别人已彻底抽离时
你却还活在那个时候
找不回自己
也看不见未来

预言失效
承诺变泡沫
亏欠的伤害
必须连本带利
才能还清

吞噬玻璃般的痛
我完全了解

平衡点

人如果能一直站在平衡点，就好。
快乐与悲伤各一半，
优点与缺点各一半，
删除过后，一切归零。
人生的喜努哀乐，都是因为失去了平衡。
原本快乐的人很难习惯悲伤。
找到快乐的人很难放弃悲伤。

如果找不到平衡只好学习习惯。

不管再怎么逃，天生还是人性，还是会沦陷。
因为不了解自己，才会一直被自己设下的圈套捆住。
经验是良师，时间是解药。

From beginning to end

有始有终。
我仿佛闻到结束的开始。

带着面具伪装自己，快乐无比。
卸下面具的我，彷徨无助。

原来我还是跟以前一样脆弱。

rain rainy gloom gloomy weather

 Rainy weather can be much appreciated, or not.

This whole weekend has been rainy.
Who doesn't welcome rainy weather in the morning?
It typically gives one a good excuse to hit the pillow again and sleep in.

However, when the day goes on and the rain shows no sign of stopping, it could be frustrating.
Furthermore, with Monday looming ahead, it seems like there is nothing but gloom in everything.
This maybe the reason why in countries with four seasons, winter is usually a season where people can fall into depression easily.

That's not to say winter or bad weather is not good though.
People need time to wallow in self-pity, need a reason to cry, to swallow the unjust, to vent the stress, to recover emotionally.

What needs to come, will come.
When it is over, people won't remember a single thing down the road and you can look back and laugh it off.

Cloudy and rainy

2013 looks to be a tough year ahead.
Felt like dying at the thought of all the action items on my list.
Not to mention the almost daily escalations.
Felt like escaping. again.
Even with people helping me out, I wonder how long I can last.

Often, I think of continuing to challenge my limits.
Yet sometimes, I simply feel like escaping.
The feeling of ambivalence is pulling me in opposite sides.
And I end up feeling exhausted and acheiving nothing.

The choice, ultimately, lies in myself.
Nobody is waiting for my decision, nobody is giving me a dateline.
But if I do not make a decision, I will forever be suffering in this state of ambivalence.

Gallup test says one of my strengths is deliberative.
Recently, it has become my weakness.
If I do not make up my mind, I will forever be stuck in the rut, never realising what I can actually do and what the future holds.
Another of my real weakness is a contributing factor too.
Sloth and unwillingnes to step out of my comfort zone.
All I need, to get out this cloudy state, is really plenty of courage, willpower and abit of impulse.

Empty promises made to avoid head-on clashes.
I feel so ashamed. This is so not right.
Today, I made a promise to myself.
I am so afraid it's gonna be an empty one too.
I really don't believe this. I can't even trust myself.

Of reflections and resolutions

I wonder is it age that's catching up.
I wonder if the thing I fear most is happening.

What I fear most, is losing the ability to anticipate the new year with child-like excitement.
Losing the ability to hope for the many happy things that will come in this new year, regardless of whether they would actually come true.

Transitioning into the new year this time round, was with mixed feelings, rather than excitement.
Perhaps, stepping into the real world and seeing people for who they are, how they behave, really has a more profound impact on me than what I expected.
Perhaps, I myself cannot reconcile with facts about human nature, the many faces they wear, the motives that lies behind their action...just to name a few.
The problem just lies deep within, suppressing the supposed feelings of joy and anticipation.

I am aware that there are ways to overcome it.
One of the ways can be summarized by "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil".
Observe less, listen less, talk less, analyse less.
Another way is to accept  the evils and people for who they are.
After all, someone once told me that the world is made of good and bad, it needs to have this balance to function.
Either way is going to make me less of who I am, on the other hand, less of a troubling mind.
I can't convince myself at all.

2012 was quite eventful, especially in the second half.
Events and happenings are always a good way for me to gauge my own progess, whether I had learned or matured or remained stagnant in different aspects.
In life, there is no teacher, you have to manage your own life.
It's like I can almost see my own report card, ticks for things I had done right, or in a better way than previously, and crosses for things which I am still struggling with.

These reflections spurns off the following year's resolutions.

Setting new year resolutions also served to renew the new year spirits and signifies a brand new beginning.

1. Continue to strengthen faith and resolute in my religion.
2. Strive to be a better person (it will take pages to elaborate).
3. Make full use of everyday.
4. Stay healthy and happy and wish the same for everyone I know.
5. Be steadfast and more diligent.

The guiding principles for a fulfilling year ahead. Or so I hope.

Of possessions, pi and pawns

It is not at all uncommon for humans to associate happiness with material wealth, social status and position.
After all, possessing these tangibles are probably the life goals of some people, in their pursuit of happiness.
You might think that you own a job, a car or a house but is it mutual?
The job, the car or the house probably does not regard you as their owner.
No matter how much material wealth accumulated, how high the social status or position, nothing can stay with us forever.
Attachment to these tangibles will only bring anguish and grief one day when they are lost.
Often, how long we can hold on to them is unpredictable and of external control.
If we had never regard them as ours to begin with, there will be no sense of loss when circumstances forces us to give them up.
Hence, shouldn't people channel more energy to things are in their own internal control?


On a less serious note, life of pi is awesome.
With astounding nature scenes and an atypical storyline peppered with easy humour, there's nothing not to like about it.
Movie pace is just right, neither too draggy nor too fast that you can't enjoy the scenic views.
A shipwrecked survival journey told through the eyes of a small boy, there's nothing like it, not even robinson crusoe.


Being a pawn has it pros.
When all you can do is to follow, it leaves much more room for the brain to decrypt the motives of others and be awed by their swift, untraceable moves.

The enemy has long plotted and started the battle.
It's time for the pawns to move forward in unity and fearlessly.
Do it now or never.

life, mundane as it is

Came across an interesting article, about Singapore scoring another 'first'.

S'pore most emotionless society in world: Survey

 

SINGAPORE - Singapore has ranked as the most emotionless society in the world by a Gallup survey, according to a Bloomberg News report.

The survey polled more than 140 countries to compare how people felt about their lives. Respondents were asked questions such as "Evaluate your life on a scale of zero to 10" and whether their life would be better or worse five years from now.

Singapore came in ahead of countries such as Georgia, Lithuania and Russia, for being the most emotionless society. The most emotional society was the Philippines, followed by El Salvador and Bahrain.

"If you measure Singapore by the traditional indicators, they look like one of the best-run countries in the world," Gallup partner Jon Clifton was quoted by Bloomberg as saying. "But if you look at everything that makes life worth living, they're not doing so well."

According to the report, not many Singaporeans answered "yes" to negative questions, and to questions measuring happiness, such as, had they smiled yesterday, had they learnt something interesting or felt respected or well-rested?

Only 36 per cent of Singaporeans responded affirmatively to either the positive or negative questions.

According to Gallup's research, only 2 per cent of the country's workers feel engaged by their jobs. The global average is 11 per cent.

"We are taught to keep going and not make too much of a fuss," research fellow at the Institute of Policy Studies Leong Chan-Hoong told Bloomberg.

     

 

An articles that speak volumes of the actual situation in Singapore.
Too many people too obssessed about the practical aspects of life.
They think about questions like: How to live life comfortably, How to maximise every dollar, How to retire early, How to have a great social life, How to look good etc.
It makes me wonder, is there more to this?
How about, "What are you living for?"
Most people think about how to live, but not what they are living for.
Perhaps, to silly peeople like me, knowing the purpose of life is far more important than fretting over the mundane aspects of life.
Still, pragmatism cannot be ignored.
Afterall, without being pragmatic, Singapore wouldn't have been able to score firsts in other areas.

Ending off with this song that's staying in my head recently.
The beauty of chinese words, that adds on the meaning and depth to a touching melody.

詩人漫步
主唱：蔡依林
作曲/詞：許哲佩
你是詩人　漫步在風花雪月的早晨
你不怕冷　外頭的氣溫正溫和
你微笑著　我的眼眶卻紅了
你是詩人　細數窗外雪飄落多繽紛
你很快樂　享受著孤獨的片刻
你多天真　以為一切是這樣的
幻想的都會成真　難過的都沒發生
夢想再大　你還是看不見我
愛的再深　你還是愛自己多
你不會懂　傷口真的會痛
你心裏的宇宙　我不在任何角落
世界再大　你還是原地不動
說的再多　你從來也沒聽懂
你的幽默　像玻璃劃破雙手
我在你的眼中　只是畫面拼湊
如果我受困在故事中　你是否會來拯救我