//a lesson of enlightenment//

learning to let go is probably the hardest thing to master.
whether it is to let go of anger, hatred, grievances or to let go of familiarity and loved ones.
but the only way to move forward is to let go of the past misery, which served no purpose.
how then, to let go?
some people laugh it off, others physically hurt themselves.
but some never did, and bottle it in their hearts for many years.
all it matters is the perception.
to view grievances not as unfairness or misery
but as a way to toughen up and emerge stronger.
because life is wasted on being unhappy and indignant.
a minute of anger means sixty seconds less of happiness.

so why bother?
if you truly believe in yourself, believe you are doing the right thing.
unkind criticism from others means nothing.
seeking validation from within, not from others.
one day, others might realise their mistake
but that is not important to you anymore
cuz you have already surpass the stage of seeking others' approval.
you have a clear conscience and nothing at all to fear.

有许多话哽咽在喉咙，不知从何说起。
但非常感激，我上了宝贵的一课，一些从来没有人教我的道理。
犹如雨过天晴，原本封锁的心，渐渐被释放。
虽然暂时不能把全部放下，但开始真正懂得珍惜生命，体会其中的美妙。
这一课，我铭记在心。

sudden all things come to realisation.
time is ticking.
i have only three days to put them in place.
i can't afford to sleep.
which is crazy.

// friendship //

友谊，有很多种。
有些，一见如故，可以聊到没完没了。
有些，靠时间一点一滴累积，慢慢习惯。
我渐渐发现，每个出现在我生命里的人都有一定有原因。
一起共度患难的朋友，肯定值得珍惜。
对于那些伤心时赐予安慰，沮丧时给予鼓励的朋友，我万分感激。
但就有一些人，或许我和他们，从没有机会深一层的了解彼此，
却因某种情况相识。
我原本以为这些人只是生命中的过客， 日子一久就变成抛在脑后的记忆，迟早被遗忘。
可是，别小看这既毫不起眼又平凡的友情。
事隔几年再见，我却因那熟悉的笑容与言行举止, 心中出现一股莫名其妙的暖意，脑海里浮现一些当年的画面。
不深刻的朋友也不一定在心中毫无地位。

// lackadaiscal //

journals +
report
=
frustration +
panic

// grateful //

i'm grateful for the tolerance shown.
i'm thankful for the confidence in me.
i hope this will strengthen my resolution.
after all, the enemy to overcome is myself.

// one year //

can't believe it's been a year since my free-and-easy trip to Japan.
the good old days are always sweet.
wonder when i can travel again?

5 more weeks to freedom.
4 more weeks to chiong.
argh. not enough time.

//preoccupied//

i will learn from my mistake.
just that i wished i hadn't make one.

things that you prefer are often out-of-reach or ill-fitting.
things that you have do not wish for just comes straight in your way.

time is running out but i will make the best out of it.

//bothered//

all these while i've always thought that life should be free-reined, less uptight
everyone should live the way they want it to.
but that is all too naive and
applies only to children and teenagers.

the responsibilities that adults have to shoulder are perhaps
great beyond my imagination.
yes, we should take responsibilty for our own doing.
but sometimes luck dictates that consequences are far worse than ever.

living in a comfort zone ever since
a sense of caution and beware has never appeared in my mind.

other people's comfort are temporal and
in fact it makes me feel worse off.
and makes me wonder about possibly worse consequences ahead.
after all, in the working world,
the rules and regulations are scary.
there is no room for discussion.

//regrets are useless//

a co$tly blunder.
even if others forgive me, i cannot forgive myself.

i'm nothing but a irksome troublemaker.
an ignorant greenhorn.

living in fear cuz consequences are unknown.
i really wish no one else will be implicated.
whether current staff or future students.

down and out since the beginning of the year.
just when i thought it was getting better,
things just prove me wrong.
tired.
physically and mentally.
i wonder how many more mishappenings i can endure.
before i sink into total abyss.

i need to be extremely cautious of what i do.
need to constantly remind myself to stay vigilance.
cuz other things that can cause immense regrets could very well happen.
for the rest of this year.

a single mistake breaks confidence.
both yours and others.
futile wish that time can rewind itself.

// 3 months //

only when the computer system prompted me to change my log in password did i realise it has been 3 months into this internship.
it's the first time i'm working for so long.
initially when i heard that the intern program was to last for 5 months, i really doubted my endurance.
can i work for so long?

so far, it has been ok.
at least i'm not dragging myself to work yet.
there are many things to learn and discover on my own.
we're pretty free-reined.
but sometimes i'm just mentally tired, unable to make any sense of what i'm reading or of the data collected.
if the brain was to be analogous to computer processors, mine must be only 256MHz, at super slow speed.
anyway, being an intern cuts in both ways, good and bad.
people are more forgiving towards your mistakes.
but being a greenhorn requires extra work and effort.
i can't say that i'm giving my 100%...especially in reading up of materials.
the lazy part of me often takes over, with excuses like needing a break from work or there's too much to be read, i can't possibly read all.
the actual reason is that i really cannot understand some technical journals.
all the equations and graphs are making my head spin.

on the previous entry, actually i was debating with myself whether i should take up a fyp project that is slightly more challenging because of its bio applications (i've long stopped studying bio)
or a project that's totally material-related.
comparing these two, i think i'll fare slightly better for the second project because, after all it's what i'm training in. (but there's still a high % of uncertainty, given my average preformance)
of course, the first project is also materials-related but there'll definitely be new bio stuff to pick up. in fact, reading some bio technical articles already made me cringe as i totally have no inkling of what the article was about.
but it'll still be my preference because i can see the direct application this research is going to lead to.

but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is not enough, it's more important that i will not get lost in the tunnel.

// ambivalence //

once again, certain things made me wonder about my decision in studying engin.
although it's something that's too late to change.
coming to three years, i'm still unable to think like an engineer.

while others intuitively recorded their experience with overwhelming technical details,
never for once did i thought of doing that.

in fact, technical details and facts were simply lacking in mine.
all i did was to launch into a personal journal cum GP style essay, inputing my own opinions and ideas.
now that it was pointed out to me, i realise that it was a blatant mistake, yet one that i had made instinctively.

however, what are technical details and facts?
how should i go about writing that?
all i could think of is to summarise some research papers and textbook details.
but i would be very much reluctant to do that because those aren't my work.
why would profs want to read that when they can read the original paper.

maybe there's some other way which my non-engin brain can't think of.
like i'm supposed to write about how i applied those things learnt from other research papers into the project (practical application) i'm working on.
like how? i don't even understand my previous sentence... cuz it's just modified from one of the stated aims of internship.
someone please enlighten me.

a random note.
what would you do if your interest and ability are at odds?
would you choose to pursue your passion and give up doing something you are good at?

i need some creativity.
some inspiration.
and some quick thinking.

// rules //

I believe since young, many of us have been taught many rules.

At home, there are dos and don'ts imposed by our parents.

In school, there are a whole list of guidelines and school rules to follow.

All these were meant to instill the correct social behaviour and moral values in children, so they would grow up to be socially-accepted, well-rounded individuals.



However, as adults, with freedom of choice overpowering common sense, some people just choose to deviate from the role-model type of behaviour which we were taught to observe since young.

From people who smoke and drink to criminals who commit theft and murder, do these people have an innate rebellious streak, or were their actions directed by circumstances?



Anyway, some redundant rules are meant to be broken, just like how some red tape should be abolished.



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A movie I want to watch...hopefully soon =)
The Lovely Bones.

I have read the book aeons ago and I doubt I remember the story.

// a different perspective //

a book i read today gave me some enlightenment.
actually i only read one chapter, which i thought interesting.
this made me realise how important the naming of the chapter is.
having an apt and short name allows the reader to find the info he/she needs easily without ploughing through the whole book.

it's important to realise that you and your parents lead different lives.
seeking validation from them only goes to show how insecure you are.
their intrusion in your life only make them seem insecure, unwilling to let go.
people fall and make mistakes, you are not alone.
being too sensitive to their words will only make yourself upset.

all the things that happened since the beginning of this year have almost drove me to a breaking point.
there's the day my aunt suddenly passed away.
there were unbearable days at home.
there were days i was disappointed with myself at work.
there's the day i couldn't get the required stamp and signature.
there's the jittery day i spent at the immigration centre and only to be told of being blacklisted.
but times of crisis also present opportunities to make a turning point.

optimism is not the same as having positive illusions;
it is the ability to turn things around.

i was too concerned about seeking validation.
i was too uptight about the 10 aus at stake.
i was too anxious to get things done.

maybe only when you release your attachment to the things and events happening around you, will you feel better and days become brighter


also thanks to my friends who gave me a different perspective and some confidence.
sometimes, people need to be reminded of why they are needed.

// time for self-evaluation //



i remembered the last time i counted the number of weaknesses i have.

ten fingers were not enough.

in fact, i recalled counting until 60 plus.

some minor, some major.



unfortunately, the major weaknesses of mine re-surfaced again recently.

many people aim to become a better person, myself included.

but i really wonder whether it is out of my own control.

how do i eliminate my weaknesses or turn them into positive points?

or is it impossible, due to my own personality, beliefs and upbringing.



the horoscope says that Scorpios are natural speakers with a charisma that warrants others to listen to them.

in my case, it's totally off.

frankly, i don't aspire to be such a good speaker.

i just want to communicate with people as per normal people do.

such that others can understand what i mean and not read much into it.

however, this simple thing others can do easily does not comes naturally to me.

i can't convey my thoughts and meanings effectively. especially in the workplace.

maybe i'm just too cowed.



another thing is the lack of my own view.

i can't recall any incident of me disagreeing with my mum until last year.

being in a traditional family means that parents expect, or taught their children absolute obedience.

while my sister is not one who can be pushed around easily, i'm the one who always stick to my mum's decisions.

hence, this might be due my personality trait.

i have always thought that obeying parents is a good thing.

but now i realise it's one of the leading cause of my lack of own opinions.

or rather the lack of courage to speak up.

for every mistake i make, in her eyes, any form of explanation i provide is only an excuse.. a rebuttal lack of respect for elders.
therefore there is no point making myself clear.
there is no point grumbling because according to her, i'm always in the wrong.
there is no solace to be sought at home.

// the realisation //

there's something I've got to learn.
a habit to get rid of.
but isn't going to be easy.

recently people around me are either telling me straight to the face or hinting that i don't have a mind of my own.
yup, it's true.
for the past 21 years, I've always relied on people to make decisions for me.
my mum, for all the things I do at home.
my friends, for deciding on the things I do outside of home.
my colleagues, for deciding what I do at work.

I've been reading the horoscope lately, just for fun.
It says that the worst trait of mine is 'being too adaptable to others'.
Since when is being peace-loving a crime?
Most of the time I hope to reduce conflicts and arguments with the people I interact with, therefore I am agreeable with them.
Which means I don't insist my own stand.
From some perspective, it seems as though I don't have my own principles.
Actually I very much preferred to be called open-minded because I don't believe in one fixed answer or solution.
Everything contains some truth in it. Even the greatest lie or rumour.

But of course I don't insist that my 'agreeable-ness' is completely correct.
There are some occasions when it is neccessary to stand by one's view.
For someone who's so used to agreeing with others, it's no mean feat.

Still, I enjoy the freedom to explore my areas of interest.
But when there's too much of uncertainties, my insecure self manifest as a monster, as though I will get stressed out at any moment.
Building a report solely based on appendices is a challenge, but one which I would gladly take up.

there is no sure-win battle.
even if you are sure you're on a winning streak.
there's no certainty.
slack is a trait you can't get rid of.

// the truth //

sometimes a white lie has to be told
to save one from misery
and to have a happy ending.
however i just hate to lie.

// randomised //

Some things are easy to learn, for example, operating an equipment.
With more practice, you'll gain better understanding of how it works and there'll be improvement.

Some other things, like how to deal with people, are more complex.
In this aspect, well, i'm definitely a noob, haha.
Some people tend to think a lot, like how they should behave in front of others,
such that they display different behaviour to different people.
Some people are too sensitive; they analyse every single word others say.
Some people are very insensitive; they speak right from their mind without any censorship.

Most people, like me are in-between the two extremes.
While I do not exert myself in thinking too hard about how to behave in front of others, there are a few 'invisible' guiding principles that I follow.
Greeting people with a smile, treating superiors with respect, avoid acting like a know-it-all to colleagues, to name a few.
That being said, I'm far from a genius in handling human relationships.
I think people find me simple-minded in this aspect, haha.
The human mind is just too hard to fathom.